Lilly's Memoir
by Butterfly Effect
Summary: The story of Titanic from Lilly DeWitt Bukator's, Rose's younger sister, point of view, and how life changes, and goes differently to how it was planned. It is intertwined with dialogue from the film. Hope you enjoy it.
1. Chapter 1

Lilly's Memoir

Chapter 1—Lilly's Introduction

Finally, the final show of our great tour was over. As a lead singer for the Philadelphian Chorus, I had to give my best performance yet. As I sat before my assigned vanity after the show, the nervous tension drained from my body, and the colour returned to my face. I could feel a serge of excitement coming over me; tomorrow, I, Lilly Dewitt-Bukator, would be travelling home to the United States on the grandest ship in the world…The Titanic! My concert tour to England conveniently ended on Tuesday 9th April, and Cal, my elder sister's fiancé, took the opportunity to reserve First Class tickets, for Rose, Mother, me, and himself. Though I honestly did not have the slightest fondness of Cal, I must commend him for this gesture.

Cal…what could I possibly say about him? He was a proud bastard, always thinking of himself and money. His reputation was always more important to him than my sister, and my mother knew that, but she still pinned him on Rose, all due to her own fear for loss of her reputation, for my father died, leaving us to deal with his debts, and to face the reality that we could lose all we had. Marrying Cal would insure our survival, as Mother kept saying, but was it worth it? And Rose, being more proper than I ever was, gave in, but as it drew closer to the wedding, I could see her declining happiness. I was the only one who understood Rose, who understood that she was feeling stifled, yet I didn't know how to console her, how to get her out of the situation, or how to even convince her that she needed to get out of it. After all, how could you blame her? He gave her everything she wanted.

My mother and I were never close, the way I was with Father. I took after him- his thick skin, brown eyes, his love for gambling, and his very forward character. I took my hair from my mother- soft, natural curls, that had a darker, reddish-brown tint, rather than a flaming red, like Rose had. My mother didn't like my attitude, believing I had taken it from my most trusted friend, Kyle Carpenter, whom I had grown up with since age 6, and was presently courting. He, to my advantage, played in the band which led my choir, and would also be returning home on Titanic, though, in Second Class. Father had always liked Kyle and his family, despite their middle class status, but my mother loathed him with everything she had in her, merely because he was of a lower class.

Startled by a pat on my back, my train of thought was broken. It was Rose, wearing a toothy smile in genuine congratulations, followed by Cal. Mother remained in the background.

"Lilly, you were fantastic," Rose said, kissing me lightly on my cheek.

"I'd have to agree. Your voice is marvellous. I think you really should consider singing as a career, it'll help you make a name for yourself."

'_Oh good heavens, there he goes again'_ was all I could think as I saw Cal gaze at me. For some strange reason, the two of us shared an odd connection, like we had an understanding of one another, which I never could explain, not until later on. But I only thought that that was his method of trying to get on my better side. "Thank you, Cal for your sincere compliments, but I do suggest that you cease the 'sucking up', because I will never like you," I said, giving him a false smile of appreciation.

"You know, Lilly, you are going to have to get used to my presence, because I'm not going away anytime soon—"

"Unfortunately," I said under my breath, while Mother gave me a dirty look.

I proceeded to pack up my belongings as quickly as I could, to return to our hotel, because we had an overnight journey by train to Southampton from here- London. At the exit of the theatre, I met my love, Kyle. Every time I looked him in his eyes, I could see the past 10 years of pure bliss. I couldn't feel any happier with anyone else.

"Lilly!" he exclaimed, as he lifted me from the waist and spun me around. "I can't wait to see you tomorrow, in fact, all night, considering we'll be on the same train." He kissed me on my lips, and I could feel my mother's eyes burning a hole right through him. Cal, having so much in common with my mother, couldn't bear the sight either, and quickly broke us up before we could take it any further.

"We have to go, Lilly." Cal said, grabbing my shoulder and steering me through the door, as I mouthed 'I love you' back to Kyle, who waved with a smile. As we reached the car, Cal glared at me when I pulled my shoulder free, as though it was his right to lay a hand on me, or tell me who to love.

Ever since Rose's engagement, we travelled in style, as Cal had us driven anywhere and everywhere, in the most modern and fashionable vehicles. Cars, at that point, were still relatively new on the market, and still had me fascinated whenever I saw one. While cal was a self-centred jerk, he really did have quite a sense of style. As we got in, we were greeted by a hypnotizing scent of roses, which complimented the colour scheme of the seats. But the soothing atmosphere of the car was soon murdered by the glares of both my mother and Cal. Rose sat next to me, not saying anything, for she had absolutely nothing against public affection.

"Lilly, I might be permitting this courtship, but I refuse to have you behaving like that, especially in public," my mother scolded, obviously quite embarrassed.

"Why not Mother? What, are you still getting embarrassed by me in front of Cal? Because, honestly Mother, Cal has been following us around for quite some time now. He's quite used to my character already."

"This has nothing to do with Cal, Lilly. It has to do with your behaviour. That sort of display is not appropriate, and I will not have you degrading yourself."

"I am not degrading myself, Mother! And I feel no shame in being open about my feelings for Kyle. I'm not going to be like you! You and Father never showed love for one another. It was obvious that you hate him, I'm not stupid!" I yelled, as tears began to stream down my face. The blood in my veins felt like they had overheated, causing me to burst. Why was she taking out her frustration with father on me? It wasn't my fault he left her with nothing. Rose grabbed my hand to calm me down, and is could see my mother's face growing pale, and she looked away from me, out the window. Obviously she had been hurt by what I said, which made me feel like the superior being, for once again I had won the battle.

"That was uncalled for, Lilly."

"Put a sock in it, Cal."

There was silence all the way back to our hotel, and I immediately shut myself away in my room. I quickly took a bath and changed into a navy blue travelling suit, and tied my hair up in a bun. As I arranged my things, all the while having and heated argument with my conscience about what had occurred just earlier, I heard a tap on the door. "Who is it?" I asked, for I refused to sour my mood more by talking to my mother.

"It's Rose." I unlocked the door and moved aside to let her in, and quickly locked the door behind her, and continued arranging my affairs. "You know, Mother was really hurt by what you said, Lilly."

"I know she was, and I feel no regrets."

"You should, Lilly. That was really uncalled for, especially with Cal in the car. The chauffeurs too, they must have heard everything."

"Why should I care, Rose? Mother's only made things miserable for us ever since father died, you know that. And now she's trying to ruin the little bit of happiness either of us have left. And why are you protecting her? I know how upset you are with her for arranging this marriage. I know you don't like Cal either. You're seventeen, Rose, you should be living life right now, not allowing it to have a dragged end." I could see Rose thinking, knowing that I was right, but she continued to have a hard time facing the truth.

"Lilly, Mother is only trying to look out for our best interests—"

"And her own!"

"so I think you should apologize to Mother, before we leave." She walked to the door and opened it to leave, but she turned around to add on one last statement, "Lilly, I love you, you're my best friend, but, honestly, for a sixteen year old, you sometimes do act a little immature," and she left. I knew she was talking about how proper I was. I may have dressed like a princess, but my mouth was like an uncovered cesspit. I was only polite when I needed to be. But I knew that she really was just looking out for me, so I gave in, and apologized to my mother before we left…and unfortunately to Cal, for being so rude.

The train was rather full, making it impossible to find Kyle, so I slept most of the way to Southampton. The ride was long and bumpy, and I kept having nightmares of the train crashing and me, drowning in a large basin of water, but I let it pass knowing it was merely a dream. The morning sky was clear, and I took as a sign that this trip we were to take over the next week would be a good one. I figured God sent signs to us, letting us know what to expect, and this was definitely a good one, or so I thought.


	2. Chapter 2

Lilly's Memoir

Chapter 2— The day reached at last

We arrived at the Southampton train station at approximately 8:30 A.M. The air was warm, clean and refreshing. We drove to a hotel near to the port, and relaxed for the next couple of hours before we began to prepare ourselves for Titanic.

Rose and I picked out outfits together. She picked out a white blouse to be worn tucked in, a silky royal blue skirt, with gold buttons down the front fastening it to fit close to my body, with a matching white jacket with an embroidered flower pattern, and royal blue collar and cuffs, fastened just under the bust by a fake flower. The matching royal blue hat she picked out was enormous and quite as idiotic as the bowtie she was making me wear. In return for the injustice of an outfit she picked out, I picked out a high-waist, purple and white suit, with a tie, and an over-sized purple hat with a gigantic bow on it, but in the end both of us agreed that the pair of us looked pretty good.

Although we seemed to be having quite a good time, I could see that Rose was hiding something. She seemed somewhat, depressed, a vibe which I was getting from her for quite a while, and I knew it had to do with Cal. Although she was being polite and proper as she usually was, she was getting more and more distant. It was worrisome, but what could I do?

"Rose, what's wrong? Please tell me."

"No, I'm fine, really."

"Rose, I've been your sister for 16 years, I know when you're lying, and I know what this is about. I just need you to talk to me."

She sighed in hesitation, but finally she gave in, "It's everything. The wedding, Mother, always trying to control the plans, and with Cal it's like I'm his property and have no conscience of my own. It's as though no one can hear me…no one, with the exception of you, of course." She looked away from me and held back her tears.

"It's okay to cry, Rose," I reassured her, giving her a tight hug.

"Oh, no it isn't. I don't want my makeup to smudge," we both giggled as we tried to brighten the moment, and gathered our things in preparation to leave.

The ride to Titanic was silent most of the way, but everyone's excitement and energy was evident, except for Rose. She kept a straight face for most of the ride, and, like she said, it was as though no one noticed. I tried to comfort her through reassuring glances, indicating that I was always there if she needed me, but I tried not to make it obvious for Cal or Mother to see.

Southampton was crowded. It seemed that the world had come to watch as Titanic set off on her maiden voyage. I was proud to say I had the chance to travel on it, to sleep in crisp, brand new sheets, to use brand new china and cutlery, and drink the most expensive champagne in the most spectacular crystal glasses, and best of all, Kyle was going to be there to share the experience. Well, sort of, considering he was in Second Class, but still, the accommodations were First Class standards. As our chauffeur honked our way through the crowd, all four of us in the car tried our best to get a glimpse of the marvel we would soon step foot into, and finally we came to a halt.

Rose got out first, gazing at the ship, seemingly unimpressed, followed by myself then Cal, who, like me, was astonished.

"I don't see what all the fuss is about; it doesn't look any bigger than the Mauritania." Rose declared, as both Cal and I looked at her like she was mad. Of course, she was just being stubborn, considering her present mood, but I knew that she must have been in some way excited. Cal quickly jumped to defend this glorious ship, stating that it was over 100 feet longer than the Mauritania, and far more luxurious.

"I'd have to agree with Cal, Rose, I'm actually very impressed. This ship is incredible!" I exclaimed, inhaling the fresh air; the sky was completely clear, bright and energizing, as it approached noon. Just behind, Cal assisted Mother as she got out of the car, informing her that Rose wasn't very easy to impress, followed by my mother's fake, clearly uninterested laugh.

"So, this is the ship they call unsinkable."

"It is unsinkable! God himself couldn't sink this ship—" Cal was distracted by one of Titanic's staff.

"Really, I doubt the ship is unsinkable, Cal. And I'm quite sure God could sink the ship if he so pleased," I said, once he had paid off the officer to carry our luggage to our rooms, rolling my eyes at his rather ridiculous comment.

"Believe as you wish, my dear," he replied, clearly not taking me on, as he opened his watch. "Ladies, we've got to hurry."

As we climbed the ramp to the entrance, felt the blood rushing through my veins as my excitement grew, and I began to rush ahead, but of course, my mother was quick to scold me, "Lilly, stop running. You're not going to get inside any fast without the tickets."

"Well then, perhaps, you should quicken your pace, Mother," but, of course, my quick witted comments never go well with my misunderstood mother. Instead she replied with a glare like no other, like a demon was present inside her, and I was quick to obey.

Finally, we were on the ship, and the inside was 4 times as beautiful as the outside. The carpeting was glamorous, as though it was specially made for the Royals, the designs, paintings, carvings, statues, were all magnificently done, in styles both classic and modern. Our rooms were all connected, each as incredible as the next. We had a suite, which meant we were complete with a sitting room and a private promenade deck. This was like a home outside of home. I was to sleep in the bedroom next to Rose, which made it quite obvious that I would spend much time in her room, rather than my own, considering we often shared the same clothing and accessories.

While our cases were being packed away in the wardrobe, along with Cal's horrendous, green safe, I help Rose and Trudy (our servant, though I treated her more as a trusted friend) to take out paintings Cal had bought for Rose. Rose and I had a similar taste in art, and we liked more than simple realistic art, but abstract even more. Cal, on the other hand, was quite boring and had no taste what-so-ever.

"Oh, I'm looking for a specific painting, my favourite one."

"Oh, you mean one of the strange ones. Didn't you store that one near the front of the case?" I asked, knowing she was Rose was referring to one Pablo Picasso paintings she admired so much, and who could blame her, they were quite unique pieces of art.

"This one?" Trudy asked, trying to follow my very vague description.

"No, it had a lot of faces on it," Rose added to help in the search, but found it for herself a couple second after.

"Would you like all of them out, Miss?" Trudy pleasantly asked. She was always such a kind and helpful person, and though it was her duty to refer to Rose and me as 'Miss', I told her that she was permitted to call m by my name, once my mother wasn't present in the room.

"Yes, we need a little colour in this room."

"I find the room looks nice," I said as I continued to place the paintings randomly around the room. "But, I guess, the paintings would make it feel a little more homely." As I said that, Cal re-entered the sitting room, with a glass of champagne in his hand, of course, ready to criticize the fine, masterpieces we were placing around the room.

"God! Not those finger paintings again. They certainly were a waste of money."

"The difference between Cal's taste in art and mine, is that I have some. They're fascinating…like being in a dream or something. There's truth but no logic." I giggled, as I could tell Rose was quite displeased in Cal's lack of taste.

"What's the artist's name?" Trudy asked, fascinated just as much as Rose and I were.

"Something Picasso," Rose said, confused.

"Something Picasso…he won't amount to a thing. He won't, trust me. At least they were cheap." Cal added, as I looked at him with a stupid grin.

"Ah, Cal, actually, I think this might be the beginning of a new era in the world of art, but of course you wouldn't understand that would you? They are interesting paintings, and the artist is quite young, around your age actually. His name is not Something Picasso either, it's Pablo Picasso." I said, walking up to Cal, giving him a mischievous smile, and quickly taking his glass of champagne from his hand. "Oh my goodness, Cal, thank you! You're ever so generous!" I exclaimed dramatically, draining the glass, and handing back to Cal, and winking. "Tell Mother I've gone out for some fresh air, and to look for Kyle, Cheerio." And I left, leaving Cal and Mr. Lovejoy (Cal beloved man servant) dumbfounded.


	3. Chapter 3

Lilly's Memoir

Chapter 3— Meeting Jack

The halls and staircases were crowded with men and women dressed in their best, and I had to push my way through down to E Deck, to the second class cabins, where I was sure I would find Kyle. The second class members watched me awkwardly as I passed, knowing I did not belong there, but I made my way through unconcerned, until I reached Kyle and his family's cabin. Upon my knock, the door was opened by Mrs Carpenter, Kyle's mother, who wore a gracious smile.

"Oh! What a pleasure, dear."

"Mrs. Carpenter, how do you do? I was just wondering if Kyle was in here."

"I'm fine dear. But no, he actually left to look for you. But he couldn't have reached too far; he only left about 2 minutes ago. He said he would remain at the bottom of the staircase and wait for you."

"Oh, okay, well, if he is there I must have passed him straight. There're such a lot of people out there. Anyway, thank you, I will look for him." Mrs Carpenter bid me goodbye, and I walked back where I had come, baffled as to how I could have completely bypassed Kyle, and surely, at the bottom of the staircase stood Kyle, looking handsome, as usual.

His light brown hair was slightly messy, as usual, and his bright hazel eyes glistened from across the room. He hadn't yet noticed me and was glancing around the room with a very unique and amusing look of bewilderment, with both hands in his pockets, carelessly leaning back against the staircase banister. Of course, if either Mother or Cal had seen him standing like that, they would immediately criticize him, but I didn't care, he radiated an energy stronger than gravity, and had a personality which had the effect of a large magnet.

"Are you alright, dear? You look lost." I said in my best English accent, taking hold his hand and gazing at him with false concern. "Have you lost your mother, darling?" He laughed when he realized who was talking to him.

"No, ma'am, I believe I have found who I've been looking for." He held my hand and kissed it, like any gentleman would, then pulled me into his arms, and pressing his soft lips against mine. "The last time I saw you feels like so much more than a day, but at least I am going to see you every day for the next week or so. Come with me, I'm going to the front of the boat. It's the best place to feel the speed we are actually travelling at."

"You know, great minds think alike, that's exactly where I wanted to go too, and we're on a ship, not a boat," I said giggling, as he pulled me along, out onto the B Deck, and to the front of the ship.

Unfortunately we were beaten to the bow by two, rather handsome, young third class men, one with dirty blonde hair and a flawless smile, and the other very much Italian. I must admit, the blonde one would have been worth it, had it not been for Kyle, although both of them were cute. They seemed like the exciting type, and I immediately thought of Rose. She would have been attracted to him, but it was unlikely that they would ever meet, not to mention, court, especially with Ruth DeWitt Bukator being our mother.

Kyle and I remained near the front, rather than right behind the young men, so as not to crowd them. I enjoyed the breeze as it flowed through my hair, which I had let loose once I was settled in my room. I could tell we were travelling a quite a speed, which made it even more exciting, like we were on a roller coaster, not that I'd even been permitted to ride one, but it was the closest I had ever been.

I didn't want to eavesdrop on the gentlemen's conversation, but the blonde one was aroused by something in the water, something he was pointing at that obviously thrilled him and his friend. Out of curiosity, I ran up behind them and asked them what it was they were looking at, followed by Kyle.

"Look, another one," he said, as I looked down to see numerous dolphins swimming next to the ship.

"Oh my goodness, Kyle, look! I've never seen a real dolphin before! Wow!" I exclaimed, truly amazed by this sight. I hung as far over the railings to watch these beautiful creatures, just as one of them jumped right out of the water. Both the strange man and I exclaimed at the sight, as more of them began to jump out of the water, and I could feel the ship increasing its speed. Just then, the man jumped up, frightening me, and shouted, proclaiming himself, and I quote, "The King of the World!" followed by over enthusiastic cheering, leaning back with his arms stretched out and his head back, allowing the wind to blow passed him. I watched him, wide-eyed, for about a minute, before laughing hysterically.

"What on earth are you doing?" I asked, grabbing his arm, and pulling him out of that ridiculous pose. Kyle was also laughing at his ridiculous proclamation. "Who on earth proclaimed you King of the World?" I said giggling.

"Well, ma'am, I suppose I just got caught in the moment."

"Perhaps a little TOO caught up," I said, continuing my giggling, but all in good humour, which he evidently picked up. "I'm Lilly, this is Kyle." I introduced, sticking both of my hands out to shake his and his friend's hands.

"I'm Jack, nice to meet both of you."

"Fabrizio," said the Italian, in a raw Italian accent.

"So, what brings you two onto the grandest ship in the world?" Jack asked, obviously trying to make conversation.

"We are part of the Philadelphian Chorus, I'm in the band playing the violin, among others, and she is the lady with a voice sent straight from heaven." I looked at Kyle, embarrassed that he would make me out to have an angelic voice. "Yes, Lilly, you have a wonderful voice so don't deny it. Anyway, our tour of England ended last night in London, so we were lucky enough to both get tickets with our families to return home on the Titanic."

"I've heard about your choir. You guys are pretty popular, you attract expensive people." Jack said, in a complimenting tone. "Well, if your voice is as magnificent as Kyle says, why don't you sing a little something? Give us a taste of what we missed."

"Oh no, no, no, no, no!" I said, nervous as could be having been placed on the spot, and walking away as fast as I could.

"No you don't," said Kyle, pulling me back, as I struggled to break free. "Come on, sing _Come Josephine_, it's your favourite song. It can't hurt."

"No!" I said, trying my best to tackle Kyle, and hide my cherry red face.

"Come on, please?" Jack begged, giving me puppy dog eyes, followed by Fabrizio. I sighed, knowing I had lost a 3 to 1 battle, and finally gave in.

"Fine, I'll do it, but only because a young lady can't win a battle against 3 men at one time. I should be paid for this, but I'll be nice, only because all three of you are cute." All three of the boys laughed at my comment, and then stood, waiting for me to begin. I breathed heavily a couple times, to reduce my nervous heart beat, before I began to sing.

_Come Josephine in my flying machine_

_Going up she goes, up she goes_

_Balance yourself like a bird on a beam_

_In the air she goes, there she goes_

_Up, up, a little bit higher,_

_Oh my! The moon is on fire_

_Come Josephine in my flying machine_

_Going up, all on, goodbye_

_Oh say, let us fly girl_

_Where dear? To the sky girl_

_Oh, you flying machine_

_Jump in, Miss Josephine_

_Come Josephine in my flying machine_

_Going up, all on, goodbye_

"You do have a nice voice." Fabrizio complimented, while Jack nodded in agreement, clearly astonished. I blushed, giving a shy smile. As much as I was a forward person, I also had many insecurities and fears, loneliness being the worst. Kyle and I spent the rest of the afternoon in jack and Fabrizio's company until it came time for dinner.

As Rose and I dressed for dinner, I told her about Jack, forgetting to mention his name. I described him to Rose, knowing she too would find him quite attractive.

"He had dirty blonde hair, and blue eyes. Really cute, and he's American too. And good humoured, he's like a little boy, but still quite mature. You can see that even though he's poor, he still looks at life as a blessing."

"I think you like this boy, Lilly." Rose said in a teasing tone.

"You see, Rose, darling, as much as I am attracted to him, I'd rather remain with whom I am presently courting. But I can safely say that you'd like him." I said, winking at Rose.

"Lilly, what are you suggesting. I'm engaged. Not only that, but I've never met him. Now, I'm sure he's very nice, and attractive as you say, but—"

"But what? Can't you see it Rose? This is your chance to break away. He's perfect for you."

"I'm engaged, Lilly, and can't just ignore that. And, honestly, do you really think mother would allow me to be with someone whose income is almost non existent?"

"Why does it matter what Mother thinks, this has to do with your happiness. I want to see you happy. It hurts me to see you miserable like this. I know you want to make it work for Mother's sake, I understand, but you can't always think of everyone else." Rose watched me straight in the eye, then walked over and hugged me. I knew that she was thinking seriously about everything I'd told her, both previously and today, and I knew she wanted to find a way out, but didn't want to hurt anyone in the process. She was likely to find a way out of it, but neither of us knew when or how. It was up to her to decided, no one else.

**Authors note: Thanks all for your reviews, I really appreciate it. I thought people would criticize the idea of Rose having a sister, but your reviews make me a lil more confident in myself. Thanx again—Butterfly Effect**


	4. Chapter 4

Lilly's Memoir

Chapter 4— Terror at the Stern

At Cherbourg, a number of people came aboard, who turned out to be members of my mother and Cal's group, including a rather large but jovial American woman by the name of Molly Brown. I took a liking to her very quickly, since she reminded me of myself, quick witted with a strong personality. She joined our group at lunch the following day in the Veranda Café; our group, consisting of Mr Bruce Ismay, Mr Andrews, Cal, Mother, Rose and myself. Of course, once Mr Ismay was at the table, the topic of Titanic being the 'grandest ship ever' came up.

"She's the largest moving object ever made by the hand of man in all history." He boasted, as I rolled my eyes. He sat to my left, Cal to my right. "And our master ship builder, Mr Andrews, designed her from the keel plates, up."

"I may have knocked her together, but the idea was Mr Ismay's. He envisioned a steamer so grand in scale, and so luxurious in its appointments, that its supremacy would never be challenged. And here she is, willed into solid reality." Our waiter began to take our lunch orders, beginning with Mr Ismay while, on the other side of Cal, Rose lit a cigarette. No one else at the table seemed to mind that she was smoking, but it was clear that Mother didn't like it.

"You know I don't like that, Rose," and to my surprise and great pleasure, Rose blew the smoke in her face, with an expression which said, 'and, what exactly are you going to do about it?' I grinned in disbelief; Rose was quickly learning from me how to be rebellious, but Cal was quick to spoil the moment, as usual, removing the cigarette and putting it out, announcing to everyone at the table that Rose knew Mother didn't like it.

The waiter came to me next, followed by Cal. "We'll both have the lamb, rare, with very little mint sauce." I could see in Molly's eyes that she, too, realized that Cal treated Rose as though she had no conscience of her own. "You like lamb, right, sweet-pea?" And again, to my great pleasure, Rose flashed Cal a magnificent and sarcastic smile, causing me to stifle a laugh.

"So are you going to cut her meat for her too, there Cal?" Molly commented in giggles. I couldn't believe I hadn't thought of the comment myself, because Cal obviously didn't like it, but Molly was quick to return to our previous topic of conversation. "Hey, who came up with the name 'Titanic'? Was it you Bruce?"

"Well, yes actually. I wanted to convey shear size, and size means stability, luxury, and above all, strength," answered Mr Ismay, once again in a boastful manner, and I proceeded to take a sip of water to hide my annoyance.

"Do you know of Dr Freud, Mr Ismay?" asked Rose. "His ideas about the male preoccupation with size might be of particular interest to you." Just then, I could contain myself no longer, and the water that was in my mouth came spluttering out, and I coughed in laughter at her comment, and my face must have turned purple.

"What has gotten into you?" my mother said in utter embarrassment, as both Molly and Mr Andrews stifled their laughs.

"Oh boy, Mother, I wonder." I said in sarcasm, wiping the water from my mouth and chin. Rose then excused herself from the table, and I was about to go after her, but Cal held my hand, indicating not to.

"I do apologize." Mother said.

"She's a pistol, Cal. I hope you can handle her."

"Well, I may have to start minding what she reads from now on, won't I, Mrs Brown."

"She didn't need to read the article to have made that comment, Cal. As you get older, that sort of thing becomes common sense. And, just so you know, I'm not sure you can handle her," I said to Cal with a grin, but was quickly shut up.

"Freud, who is he? Is he a passenger?"

"No, Mr. Ismay, he isn't. He's a psychoanalyst, who wrote his studies down on paper. The article is very good, in fact. You really should try to read it sometime." I responded, but Cal pinching my hand under the table. "Ow!" I said, glaring at Cal. "Perhaps, I should go talk to Rose, and bring her back."

"No, I'll go." Cal said, getting up and walking outside.

Eventually lunch came to an end, and for the rest of the day, Rose kept her distance from everyone, including me. She was acting more distant than usual. She had locked the door to her bedroom, and would tell me to leave her alone any time I tried to talk to her. The next time I saw her that day was at dinner, looking gorgeous, but wearing a lost and upset expression the whole time. She spoke to no one, and left the table when the men did, returning to our suite. I remained at the table, unsure if Rose would want me to accompany her, but after approximately 20 minutes, I knew I had to go and check on her, as something was definitely more wrong than normal.

When I returned to my cabin, I knocked on her door, receiving no answer. "Rose, it's Lilly. May I please come in? I'm really worried about you…Rose!" I said, knocking again. With no response again, I proceeded to open the door, only to discover that Rose wasn't even in her room. By chance, I glanced at her vanity, only to find her fountain pen holding down a letter, addressed to me. My heart began to pound inside my rib cage, as I picked it up to read it:

_My Darling Lilly,_

_I'm sorry for ignoring your concerns previously and most of all today. But the pain has become far too unbearable to handle. I feel more than stifled. You are the only person who respects me, and can hear me. I feel as though I've screamed so much, and so long, that my breath has finally died, and the air is refusing to return to my lungs. I feel as though not even God hears my prayers, and that he wants to see me suffering, as a punishment for all my sins. As much as I love you, and Father, and wish to fulfil his will of everlasting happiness for both of us, I feel that this is the right thing to do. It's the only way out of this mess that I can see, and the only one that I feel capable of doing. I'm not afraid to drown; after all, I'm already drowning in an ocean of emptiness. I hope that you will understand the reasons for my actions, and will find a way to eventually forgive me, though I know it will be hard._

_Yours truly,_

_Your loving sister, Rose_

_P.S. STERN_

I began to hyperventilate after reading it. Rose was going to kill herself, and, no matter what she said, it was my fault. I was the one who had convinced her that she had to find a way out in the first place. Tears began to stream down my face, as I crumpled the letter in my hand, and ran out of the room, and headed for the back of the ship, as she had indicated in the letter. I wasn't going to let her go, I wasn't going to let her kill herself and have me feeling guilty for the rest of my life. If she was to kill herself, I would have to do the same.

I ran as fast as my legs could carry me, without a care as to who was looking at me or talking about me. I couldn't allow this to happen. My tears were beginning to burn my eyes and cheeks. I reached the back railing of the upper deck, just in time to see Jack, easing his hand out to help Rose back over the railing. I had no idea what he had done to convince her not to do jump, but he had, for which I was unexplainably grateful. But just as soon as I released a sigh of relief, Rose began to scream in terror, and I looked down to see Jack hanging over the railing holding onto a falling Rose for dear life. I screamed out to Rose in absolute horror, and ran for the stairs to go to her aid. I could hear Jack telling her than he was holding onto her and wouldn't let go, as Rose continued to scream for his help, and as I ran, I prayed to God that I would get there in time.

Just as I got there, pale in the face and panting uncontrollably, Jack managed to pull her back over the railing, and they tumbled to the floor. Before I could further react, the sound of hurried footsteps drew my attention, and I spun around to see some of Titanic's crew running onto the scene.

"What's all this?" one of them said, and I realized he had picked up the wrong impression. "You stand back and don't move an inch! Fetch the master at arms." Another crew member ran to get the master at arms, while I ran to Rose's side. "Ma'am, has this man hurt you as well, in any way at all?"

"No." I said, fumbling on my words, trying my best to defend Jack. "Sir, what happened, is not how it looks."

"Miss, don't worry, everything will be fine." I tried my best for the next 5 minutes to tell the man that Jack had done nothing wrong, but he simply took it that Jack had threatened both Rose and me, and that I was just traumatized. The other crew member returned with the master at arms, Colonel Archibald Gracie and Cal, who had a look of rage on his face.

A blanket was wrapped around Rose and she was taken to sit on a nearby bench, and I joined her. The master at arms hand cuffed Jack, who made no attempt to defend himself or even comment on the situation. Even if he had, they wouldn't have believed him; he was just a low class scum, as far as they were concerned.

"This is completely unacceptable! What made you think you could put your hand on my fiancée?" Cal said, roughly pushing Jack. I couldn't take seeing an innocent Jack being treated with such injustice so I told Rose that she had to stop Cal. "Look at me, you filth!" Cal said, as Jack glanced in our direction, and I returned a helpless glance.

"Cal!"

"What do you think you were doing?" Cal continued, as Rose got up from the bench to defend Jack.

"Cal, stop! It was an accident."

"An accident?" Cal questioned in confusion as to how Rose could defend a man who had attempted to rape her.

"It was! Stupid really; I was leaning over and I slipped. I was leaning far over to see the uh, the uh, uh, the uh…" Rose was trying to formulate a lie in her head, and I could tell it wasn't coming to her fast enough. Her fingers were twirling in circles, and that gave me the idea that perhaps she could have been looking at the propellers.

"The propellers," Cal and I said in unison, and I stood up from the bench to help Rose in her lie, if, of course, she needed it.

"The propellers! And I slipped. And I would have gone overboard, but Mr Dawson, here, save me, and almost went over himself."

"Sh…She wanted to see the propellers," Cal said in a sarcastic laugh, clearly not buying in to her story; Rose's tone didn't make it convincing at all.

"Like I said, women and machinery do not mix," said Colonel Gracie. At this point, I definitely had to step in to support Rose.

"It's true! Both Rose and I were supposed to come together, but I was just finishing something in my cabin and therefore told Rose to go on without me. I was supposed to meet her here, and I arrived just in time to see Mr Dawson pulling her back over the railing." I claimed, stepping forward to give my story, but somehow I could tell that Cal was seeing right through me. How I hated it when he would read me by just looking me in the eyes.

"Was that the way of it?" asked the master at arms. Jack glanced in Rose and my direction, and I could see Rose mouthing 'Please say yes'.

"Yeah. Yeah, that was pretty much it."

"Well, the boy's a hero then. Good for you sir, well done. So, if all is well, back to our brandy, ay!" I let out I silent sigh of relief that at least Colonel Gracie had bought it, and Jack would be freed. Cal surprisingly said nothing, but I knew he would demand the truth from me later. Instead, he proceeded to leave the scene to take Rose inside, but Colonel Gracie stopped him suggesting he should give Jack a token of his appreciation.

"Of course. Mr Lovejoy, I think a 20 should do it." Said Cal, but Rose thought differently, as did I.

"Is that the going rate for saving the woman you love?"

"Rose is displeased. What to do? I know." Cal said, with an idea on his mind, and he walked back to Jack. "Perhaps you could join us for dinner tomorrow evening, to regale our group with your heroic tale." Jack was obviously sceptical about this offer but finally agreed. With Jack, Cal and Mother at the table, it was bound to be a disastrous night, and Jack had no clue what he was getting himself into. "Good, settled then..." Cal walked off whispering something to the Colonel, causing him to snicker. I didn't make out what was said, but clearly it wasn't anything kind. Just then, Jack whistled to catch Lovejoy's attention.

"Can I, uh, bum a smoke?" Lovejoy allowed him to take two cigarettes.

"You'd want to tie those." Lovejoy pointed out that Jack's boots were untied. "It's interesting, the young lady slipped so suddenly, and you still had time to remove your jacket and your shoes."

"Oh shit,' I thought, realizing that now the story made no sense, though it was true that I hadn't even realized that he had removed any of his clothing. Jack was obviously thinking the same thing as I was. I signalled to Lovejoy that I needed to speak to Jack alone, and with hesitation he left us.

"How did you do it?" I asked, once Lovejoy was out of earshot.

"Do what?"

"Convince her not to jump."

"I see that you know the truth then. I just talked her out of it by telling her how cold the water was, and relating it to something that happened to me in my past, and I guess it scared her out of doing it. You know, you didn't tell me you had a sister."

"Was I supposed to?"

"She's beautiful. Both of you are, don't get me wrong. But I noticed her today. She looked pretty upset, and then her fiancé came out after her."

"Ah, yes. I actually was going to get her, but Cal decided to go instead. She had an outburst at lunch today. Things aren't going too well between them and she's not handling it very well. I've been trying to help her by giving my advice, but I feel like what happened tonight was my fault, because I told her she needed to find a way out."

"Don't blame yourself. I'm sure it's not because of you. She probably hasn't thought through her possibilities yet. You two seem close; I doubt she'd try to hurt you. You should head back; you don't want your future brother-in-law to get mad. He doesn't seem like a nice guy."

"He's not. He's a complete jerk." I confirmed, and we both laughed. We finally bid each other goodbye, glad that we would see each other the next day. I really felt something was going to happen between Jack and Rose. I felt that he would be the one to help her out of the situation. God had finally answered Rose's prayers.


	5. Chapter 5

Lilly's Memoir

Chapter 5— A bizarre experience, a dinner and a party

Later on that night as I prepared for bed, probably nearing 11 P.M., I decided to pay Rose a visit, picking up the letter she had written for me off my vanity. I tapped gently and opened the door, inviting myself in. Rose was seated in front of her own vanity brushing through her thick waves of flaming hair. Her hair and eyes looked even brighter than normal, since her face was still flushed and puffy from the incident which had occurred earlier that night, but she didn't seem nearly as upset.

"Hi," I said gently, so as not to give off a scolding tone. "I just want you to know that I'm not upset with you for doing what you did. I understand." I said as I placed the letter down in front of her.

"Lilly, I'm so sorry. I—" I hushed her so that she wouldn't draw Cal's attention in the next room.

"I know. I'm just happy Jack was there in time to stop you; I think I would have been too late. I would have lost my mind if you had either jumped or fallen."

"I saw him earlier today actually. It was as though he was in a trance when he spotted me, he could tear his eyes away from me. It sort of made me uncomfortable, but he seems kind."

"Well, he's the same one I met at the bow yesterday. He is sweet. He told me what he did to convince you not to do it."

"Yes, he was very discreet…and you're right, he is quite handsome," she said with a small smile, but it faded just as fast. "Lilly, I want to thank you for defending me today. I'm not sure they would have believed me had you not stepped in."

"It was my pleasure. I'm always here for you, Rose, remember that. Though I'm not sure either Cal or Lovejoy fell for it. But somehow I feel as though everything that happened was my fault. I'm the one who told you that you needed to find a way out, and I feel horrible."

"No, no, Lilly, don't think that. It wasn't your fault in the least. I told you that I had ignored your concerns, and I regret it, I do. My decisions had nothing to do with you." She said, which perhaps made me feel a bit reassured, and I leaned over to hug her in her chair. We spoke for another five or so minutes, putting everything that had occurred behind us, until we were disturbed but a knocking from the opposite side of the room, followed by a door being opened to reveal Cal, dressed in a shirt and pants ready for bed, and hair that dangled before his face. He held a black box in his hand, which could only be a gift.

"I know you've been melancholy. I don't pretend to know why." Rose and I both stared at him, as I thought, 'Is it not obvious?', but he continued, raising the black box so that we could see it. "I intended to save this until the engagement gala next week, but I thought tonight." As he sat on the corner of Rose's vanity, he opened the box to reveal an enormous, blue, heart shaped jewel, hanging from a diamond incrusted chain.

"Good gracious!" Rose and I exclaimed in unison. It was astonishing, not to mention, incredibly beautiful.

"Perhaps it's a reminder of my feelings for you," said Cal. I didn't believe in giving gifts in turn for forgiveness, but for Cal to buy that necklace, he must have been deeply in love with Rose.

"Is it a—"

"Diamond, yes. Fifty-six karats to be exact," he informed us as he place it around her neck. "It was worn by Louis XVI, and they called it 'La Coeur De La Mer.'"

"The heart of the Ocean," they translated together.

"Yes"

There was a long pause, as we gaped at it in the mirror. I suppose I should have left the room, but Cal treated the situation as though I wasn't even there, which I suppose I should have taken as a good thing, but it secretly upset me.

"It's overwhelming." Rose stated, and I commented in agreement, continuing to gape.

"Well, it's for royalty. We are royalty, Rose." At this comment I was somewhat distracted from my gaze, to look at him oddly. I knew he was vain, but he couldn't honestly think that highly of himself. Just then, he knelt down next to Rose, and gazed at her. "You know, there's nothing I couldn't give you. There's nothing I'd deny you, if you would not deny me. Now open your heart to me, Rose." By now, I really wished I had left the room. Cal was pouring himself out to Rose, which was sort of strange coming from him, but I knew he was trying to strengthen an already weak relationship. I just didn't want to be there to see them kissing or anything. I didn't mind if they did it, though not in my presence. I actually had never seen Cal kiss Rose, with the exception of her hand and her cheek, and for some reason I felt a twinge of jealousy that he wouldn't be this sweet to me.

"I suppose I should leave the two of you alone." I announced in an uncomfortable tone, breaking the uncomfortable silence, but Cal stopped me, taking me by the hand as I passed.

"No, Lilly, I must talk to you, alone." I gave him an awkward look, but it didn't take long for me to realize he was going to ask me what had really happened. I waited for him as he kissed Rose's cheek goodnight, then followed him into his bedchamber. He shut the door behind us, then didn't hesitate to shove me against the next wall, and pin me so that I couldn't move. Fear from shock rushed through my body, as though someone dropped a bucket of ice cold water over my head, and I could feel his warm breath against my cheek.

"Lilly, I'm not stupid. I know you lied to cover for Rose."

"No I didn't."

"Stop lying!" He said fiercely through clenched teeth, again shoving me hard against the wall. "What really happened?"

"Damn it Cal, I already told you!" I said furiously, trying to keep my voice down. "Rose and I were supposed to go together to try and see the propellers. Obviously it was a bad idea to let her go alone, as well as it being a bad idea to lean that far over the rail."

"Don't lie to me, Lilly. I can read you like a book, and, trust me; I know you are covering for her and I will not have it, Lilly. I demand an answer, and I expect to get it now." He hissed, piercing me with his eyes, and digging his thumbs into my shoulder. The pain began to sear through my arms, and I threw him off in defence, slapping him across his face, once I was free. He drew back for a second, obviously taken aback. He didn't wait to retaliate, and grabbed my hand, twisting it into a painful position, before I could hit him again. "Don't you dare hit me again, Lilly."

"You deserved it! And I suggest you do the same. I wouldn't have slapped you had you not dug your filthy fingers into my shoulder. I can't believe my mother has Rose marrying a bastard like you." At my comment he twisted my hand further behind my back, drawing me closer to him, as I yelped in pain.

"Well, it's better than being with you, isn't it. It's a wonder why Kyle likes you so much; he must be pretending. He's probably afraid that you'll try to kill him if he doesn't bow to your feet. But, not everyone is afraid of you, Lilly. I am most certainly not afraid of you."

"Nor am I afraid of you, Cal. My claim is not going to change, because I'm telling the truth. You and your man servant don't have to believe me. So, Cal, I would highly appreciate it if you would unhand me, and I'm not going to fight you." He hesitated, but he eventually let me go, and immediately the pain worsened. I turned to look him in the face and added, "Just so you know, Cal, Kyle is not afraid of me. I don't act the same way around him as I do around you, or around Mother, because unlike either of you, he makes me happy, and he wouldn't hurt me just to find out the truth." I paused and watched him as he watched me in return, his face becoming less hard, realizing that he had hurt me. Tears began to well up in my eyes, as words were buzzing in my head that I couldn't believe I could actually say, but before I knew it I was pouring my true feeling out to him. "Cal, I know that you love Rose, and you know that I want to be able to respect you, because, deep down, I do like you, but I can't respect you if you continue acting the way you do. You have the potential of being like a best friend to me, Cal. You are one of the only people I can talk to without saying something and offending them. My own mother hates me because I'm not like her, she doesn't understand me, and I wish she could. But you can see right through me, just as I can see through you; you do understand me, Cal. But if you weren't such a jerk all the time, perhaps you would have earned my respect by now." I couldn't believe that my emotions had just exploded on Cal, of all people. No one had ever seen me react this way before, not even I had, and though he hesitated to react, he eventually put his arms around me in a comforting hug, as I cried into his chest, kissing me a few times on the top of my head.

I remained snuggled in his chest until I had stopped crying and calmed down. We did talk, but the way he hugged me and his kiss gave me a strange feeling inside, and his heart beat was soothing. He and I were sharing a moment; a moment which actually felt right, as though I belonged in his arms. But the moment I became aware of the feeling, I drew back from his grasp. I couldn't look at him straight, so I quickly excused myself, and went back to my room, to experience the most unsettled sleep I had had for a long time; my mind couldn't shift from what had happened between us.

The following morning was difficult to get through. I still couldn't look Cal in the eye without feeling embarrassed, but he seemed fine, as though the feeling was completely normal to him, and he kept shooting me with quick glances and a few hidden smiles. It was awkward for me, considering I had Kyle; after all, he gave me butterflies most of the time, his kiss came straight from heaven, no doubt, he was my main source of comfort, and he loved me, so how on earth could I get those feelings from Cal? I needed to spend as much time away from him as I could, which thankfully came once morning was over.

Rose went to look for Jack to thank him, and I remained with Mother for the rest of the day. Cal was nowhere close by, giving me sufficient time to allow last night's incident to blow over; knowing that I would be seeing Kyle after dinner help a lot.

By 4 P.M., Mother and I went to afternoon tea with the Countess of Rothes and another woman who I didn't know. Of course, their conversations were boring and uninteresting. It amazed me how women's conversations were often so lacking of thought or depth, and everything had to be boasted.

"But the purpose of university is to find a suitable husband; Rose has already done that."

"Actually, Mother, university is to further one's education. A man can be found in the process." I responded, but of course, no one took any notice of what I had to say. It was as though I wasn't even there. I hated that about my mother, and all her friends were the same way…ignorant.

"Look! Here comes that vulgar Brown woman," complained the Countess, which I took offence to, considering I found Molly to be quite a nice woman.

"Quickly, get up before she sits with us." Mother said leading everyone to get up before Molly could come by us.

"Hello girls. I was hoping I'd catch you at tea."

"We're awfully sorry, you missed it. The Countess and I were just off to take the air on the boat deck," Mother said, looking back at the Countess, and again acting as though I wasn't even there.

"What a lovely idea. I need to catch up on my gossip." Molly responded, following us out onto the boat deck.

As we walked, the fresh air helped to clear my thought-filled mind. With Molly there, the conversations about the wedding and that sort of thing weren't so boring, but I was still in my own world most of the time, not even listening to any of them talking. The sky was looking beautiful, like a painting; it glowed pink as the sun readied itself to set. After walking for approximately half an hour, I got a glimpse of Rose and Jack, standing next to the railing. They appeared to be simply talking at first, but as we all drew closer, we could see them having a spitting competition, which I found rather funny, but my mother thought otherwise, as did the others.

"Ok, that was better. You've got to work on it. Really try to hawk it up and get some body into it. You know, you've got to…" Jack began to demonstrate further the best technique for spitting by hawking up as much mucus as he could, as Rose turned around, noticing us and pulling at Jack's arm to get him to stop, and he turned around.

"Mother!" Rose exclaimed, embarrassed that everyone was aware of what was they were doing, and Jack quickly swallowed his spit, accidentally leaving some to ooze down his chin, which was incredibly disgusting, but I couldn't help but stifle a laugh. "May I introduce Jack Dawson."

"Charmed, I'm sure." Mother said, watching Jack's chin in disgust. Just then, both Molly and I gestured to his chin, and he quickly realized why Mother had sounded so unpleasant. Rose proceeded to give the story of the night before, well, at least the propeller version, with my input. Mother continued to look at Jack as though he was worthless, while the others took him for who he was, or at least Molly did.

"Well, Jack, looks like you're a good man to have around in a sticky spot." Just then a horn blew to announce dinner, and of course, Molly was sure to comment on its stupidity. "Why do they always insist on announcing dinner like a damn cattle recharge?" Rose and I began to laugh at her comment, then Rose took hold of Mother's arm to lead her back to the suite.

"Shall we go dress, Mother?" She said, taking hold of my hand as well and pulling me along, as I waved back to Jack and winked. "See you at dinner, Jack." Mother didn't hesitate to comment on Rose's behaviour once we were out of earshot.

"Rose, what were you thinking? What on earth made you think it was okay to have a spitting rally with that lower class boy."

"My goodness, Mother, he's a boy, she's young, give them a little space to be themselves."

"Lilly, Rose is a young woman, she ought to know better. How do you think people are going to think of you, Rose, when you do that? They're going to think that that is how I raised you, and I didn't raise you to do such a thing. And what makes it worse is that you were doing it with that boy, who obviously has no upbringing."

"I'm sorry, Mother," said Rose, not wanting to begin any confrontation, especially in public. I didn't mind what she did, obviously, I saw it as a good thing; Jack was beginning to break Rose out of her shell.

Rose and I again helped pick out each other's outfits for dinner, and I made sure that she looked magnificent for Jack, and she found herself wanting to impress him. I picked out a pink and black dress, with short sleeves and silver beading, and long white gloves, and for me, she picked out a violet dress, with black and silver flowers embroidered around the bottom. The sleeves were the same violent material with the same black and silver flower lace to top it. They reached to my elbow, but were thin enough not to keep me too warm. I chose not to wear gloves so that I didn't look as though I was going to a funeral, but topped off the look, with a long, thin silver necklace Cal had given me for my 16th birthday. By now, I had finally gotten my incident with him out of my system, and it seemed he had done the same, for the vibe I picked up from him as we left our suite was the one I was accustomed to.

As we walked down the main staircase, I could see Jack at the bottom of the stairs, not too sure what he was doing, but he seemed to be picking up quickly. I was walking down next to Rose, Cal and Mother were ahead of us, but it was as though Cal didn't recognize Jack, because he simply walked passed not even acknowledging Jack's presence, going straight to the Countess of Rothes, leaving jack hanging. But it didn't matter because Jack quickly double-took at the sight of Rose.

"Hello, Jack." I said winking, hurrying ahead of Rose. "I'll leave you two to catch up." I walked over to Cal's side, catching Jack blush slightly. He was indeed looking quite different in the tuxedo, with his hair slicked back. He was looking extremely handsome; no wonder Cal didn't recognize him.

Just then Rose reached out to get Cal's attention, calling him 'Darling'. "Surely you remember Mr Dawson."

"Dawson!" Cal said in awe. "Well, it's amazing! You can almost pass for a gentleman."

"Almost," said Jack, offended, but holding his composure. Cal kept smiling in surprise, but once he saw the vexed look I wore, due to his comment, he turned to continue walking down the stairs, gently taking hold of my right arm.

"Cal, Jack may not be rich, but that doesn't say he's not a gentleman."

"Of course you'd think that, Lilly, darling, your man isn't much to talk about either." At his comment I yanked my arm out of his clutch, glaring at him. "Oh and Lilly, you look lovely tonight." He added, again taking hold of my arm.

"Don't expect me to forgive you, by complimenting me. I'm not that easy."

"I'm not asking for your forgiveness, I'm just being honest." He said, walking straight to Sir Cosmo and Lucy Lady Duff Gordon to chat. As they spoke, I pretended to be in a good mood, though Cal had me quite upset, but nothing ever turned out the way I wanted it to; once Rose and the Duff Gordons waved hello to each other, I knew someone would give me a reason to get mad.

"Congratulations Hockley, she's splendid," said Sir Cosmo Duff Gordon.

"Why, thank you." Cal said, chuckling after.

"Now, it's only to find a husband for young Lilly, here, Ruth. That shouldn't be a problem, should it? She can attract any man she likes." Cosmo said, chuckling, as I looked at him coolly.

"Oh, I'm not so sure it'll be as simple as it looks. Lilly is a very ungovernable and primitive character. Men might be physically attracted to her, but I'm not sure how many would be willing to marry her." Mother said, in an embarrassed giggle. I, of course, was ready to give her my piece of mind, but Cal quickly cut me off, knowing I was likely to explode on her.

"Now, Ruth, don't be so harsh on her. She's still young and has plenty of time to mature into a fine young woman. Not only that, but she's a kind and loving girl when she needs to be; I should know." Cal said putting his arm around my shoulder, and smiling at me, purposely reminding me of the previous night.

"But, I'm quite sure I saw Lilly with a boy, about her own age, just a couple days ago," said Lady Duff Gordon, in an inquiring tone.

"Yes actually, we're courting."

"Now, Lilly, I would hardly say that you're courting. It's just a teenage romance is all," my mother said once again embarrassed and uncomfortable with the conversation.

"How can you possibly say that, Mother? He's a very wonderful young man and my best friend. We really are quite compatible."

"Now don't be ridiculous, Lilly." Mother scolded in a hidden manner. Cal, sensing a rising tension, led us all to the dining room for dinner, where Molly and I took our seats on either side of Jack. It was amazing how calm he seemed to be, and how nobody seemed to recognize that he didn't belong, but all was going well until Mother opened her mouth.

"Tell us of the accommodations in steerage, Mr Dawson. I hear they're quite good on this ship." Everyone seemed puzzled at her question, of course, and I sighed saying, "Oh boy, here she goes."

"The best I've seen ma'am; hardly any rats." I was surprised that Jack took her question so lightly, which was good, at least he wasn't ashamed of who he was. Everyone laughed at his comment, still somewhat bewildered as to how the topic of steerage had come up.

"Mr Dawson is joining us from the Third Class. He was of some assistance to my fiancée last night," said Cal, clearing up everyone's bewilderment. So far, it didn't seem like Mother or Cal would say anything to make Jack seem like less than they were, for which I was thankful.

"It turns out that Mr Dawson is quite a fine artist. He was kind enough to show me some of his work today."

"Rose and I differ somewhat in our definition of fine art. Not to impugn your work, sir." Cal said, and Jack gesturing that he took no offence.

"Well Cal, of course you two differ, because, unlike Rose, you don't have taste in art. You never were a fine arts sort of person." I said in good humour. The waiters then came around so serve caviar and some finger foods as our appetizer. Jack wore a look confusion when he saw all the cutlery we had been given and turned to Molly to ask if they were all for him, and she simply gave him advice to start from the outside and work his way in. I giggled slightly and just told him to follow everyone else's lead if he got confused.

"How do you take your caviar, sir?" asked the waiter when he had reached Jack.

"No caviar for me thanks; never did like it much."

"And where exactly do you live, Mr Dawson?" Mother asked. I thought that we were finished with the questioning of Jack, but Mother obviously had other plans.

"Well, right now, my address is the RMS Titanic. After that, I'm on God's good humour."

"And how is it you have means to travel?"

"I work my way from place to place, you know, on tramp steamers and such. But I won my ticket on Titanic in a lucky hand at poker. A very lucky hand."

"All life is a game of luck," said Colonel Gracie.

"A real man makes his own luck. Right, Dawson?" said Cal, looking over at Jack. I could see the slyness in his eyes, as he posed the question, obviously bringing Jack down for everyone to see. Jack hadn't been listening to Cal, and so blindly agreed, but I didn't hesitate to defend him.

"And I suppose you are a real man, Cal?" I said, scowling at him to let him know he was out of place, and he returned a glare hidden behind fake smile. Just then I saw the disapproval on my mother's face, and knew she was hatching up something to throw at Jack.

"And you find that sort of ruthless existence appealing, do you?" she said coolly, and both Molly and I looked at her with a glare. I could tell that Jack hadn't taken her comment lightly, but somehow he managed to keep his composure and be as respectful as he could be; something I couldn't have done.

"Well, yes ma'am, I do. I mean, I've got everything I need right here with me. I've got the air in my lungs, and a few blank sheets of paper. I mean, I love waking up in the morning not knowing what's going to happen, or who I'm going to meet, or where I'm going to wind up. Just the other night I was sleeping under a bridge, and now, here I am, on the grandest ship in the world, drinking champagne with you fine people." Jack said, taking more champagne, as everyone laughed. "I figure life's a gift and I don't intend on wasting it. You never know which hand you're going to get dealt next. You learn to take life as it comes at you." Just then, Jack threw a box of matches for Cal who wanted to light a cigarette. It was funny how Mother didn't complain about Cal smoking in her presence, but she would complain if rose did."To make each day count."

"Well said Jack," said Molly, as Colonel Gracie agreed.

"To making it count." Said Rose, raising her glass, and everyone else at the table did the same. To my pleasure, Mother and Cal were confused as to why everyone thought so highly of him. The evening continued, getting closer and closer to when I was supposed to meet Kyle, and not only was I excited, but I was slightly tipsy; too much champagne. I believe that most people at the table were a little bit happy after so much to drink; Molly was giving a highly animated joke that had the entire table in an uproar, but finally it came time for the men to disappear into the smoking room, and Rose explained to Jack from across the table everything that was about to take place, and surely it did.

"Ladies, thank you for the pleasure of your company," said Mr Ismay. Cal asked Rose if she wanted him to escort her back to the cabin, and ask me the same question with eye contact but both of us said no. Jack got up with the other men, giving back the pen Molly had lent him. He had written a short note for Rose, inviting her to a party in third class to make it even. He invited me too and said I could invite Kyle as well, since I was supposed to be with him that night, and I willingly agreed.

"Joining us Dawson? You don't want to stay out here with the women, do you?" asked Colonel Gracie jovially.

"No thanks, I've got to be heading back."

"Probably best," said Cal as he prepared to walk out, "all of that business and politics and that sort of thing wouldn't interest you." He said winking, and walking past Jack, and turned around quickly to throw Jacks matches back to him saying that is was good of him to come. Jack clearly didn't like Cal, and I could understand why; he behaved like a complete, self-centred idiot whenever he was around other people. I couldn't understand why he even had as many friends as he did; he was sly with everyone, all for his own benefit. Jack walked back around to Rose to tell her goodnight.

"Jack must you go?" Rose asked, and I could see that she was indeed falling for him, just as I had hoped.

"Time for me to go row with the other slaves. Goodnight Rose." He said, kissing her hand, and leaving the folded yellow note in her hand as he walked off, winking at me. I smiled back, then looked back at Rose as she read the note, and glanced at me in shock. I simply shrugged, got up to tell her that I was going to look for Kyle and meet them down at the party.

As I exited to look for Kyle on deck, I could feel the cool breeze hit me sharply, giving me quick chills. It didn't take long before I found him, waiting for me on the railing, watching the silky black water as we glided along it. When he spotted me, he double-took, just the way Jack had with Rose, and I began to blush. He too was looking handsome. We were alone on deck which was good, because I wanted to let him know why I hadn't come to see him the previous night, before I join Jack and Rose at the party.

"Lilly, wow! You look incredible tonight."

"Well, obviously, darling. It's really not something I can help. You look quite handsome yourself. Better than me, in fact."

"Since when are you so vain?"

"Ever since I met the vainest person in the world…Cal."

"Oh well. What kept you last night? I couldn't find you."

"Well, remember, Cal and Rose aren't exactly the most romantic of couples, and that Rose needs to find a way out of marrying him. Well, she couldn't take it any longer and decided she was going to jump off the back of the ship. I went up to our cabin to check on her when I found a suicide letter on her vanity addressed to me, and so of course I went to stop her. Thankfully Jack was there to dissuade her, but when he was pulling her back she slipped and almost did go overboard but he pulled her back over just as I got there. Then another round of drama occurred after, because the seamen thought Jack had tried to rape her, and so called the master at arms and Cal, who was of course furious. Then Rose and I came up with a lie that she and I went to see the propellers and Rose leaned too far over and slipped and Jack was there just in time to pull her back; all of that to free Jack. But of course Cal and Mr Lovejoy didn't believe us as everyone else had, and Cal decided to take a turn in my tail for covering for Rose. But I stuck to my lie."

"Wow, I'm assuming that's the summary. You almost sound as though it hasn't affected you. I did hear of some commotion at the stern last night but I didn't realize that that was what happened. Well, at least it is a valid excuse. Rose is alright though, right?"

"Oh yes, of course. I think what happened allowed her to release some of the excess negative energy. But I think Jack is her ticket out of this mess; she's falling for him, and he is mad about her."

"How on earth can you say that? They've only known each other for a day. They met last night."

"I know that, obviously, but it's written all over their faces. Jack is allowing Rose to escape from her airtight shell, she can finally breathe, Kyle. She's a much livelier person when she's with Jack. I'm happy for her. Oh, before I forget and I break my promise to Jack, he has invited us to a third class party…right now. Let's go!" I said, grabbing his hand and leading him in the direction that Jack had told me.

The Irish music blared when we arrived, and the air was hot, thick and sticky, but the energy was exhilarating. I spotted Rose in the dancing crowd, sitting at a table speaking to a stranger, and Jack dancing with a little girl just before her. I didn't stop to talk to either of them, but made my presence known, by staying close by. After a while, Jack decided he wanted to dance with Rose, though Rose hesitated, unsure of herself.

"I'm going to dance with her now, alright." Jack told the little girl, and sticking out his hand for Rose to take. "Come on."

"What?"

"Come on…Come with me."

"What? Jack wait! I can't do this." Rose said looking at Jack a bit frightened. As I danced with Kyle, passing Rose I reassured her.

"Of course you can Rose! If I can do it so can you."

"We're going to have to get a little bit closer; like this." Jack said, pulling Rose closer, and she looking even more unsure. As Rose began to dance, led by Jack, I could see that she was beginning to enjoy herself more and more, loosening up and going with the beat. I was enjoying myself just as much. Never in my life had I danced like this, and surely it wouldn't be acceptable in the eyes of the high class people.

I perhaps shouldn't have drunk anymore, after all, I was tipsy from drinking champagne not long before, but I couldn't care, I was enjoying myself. I was only used to the most expensive alcohol, but the cheap bear was just a good; even Rose was drinking it, maybe a little too quickly. By the end of the night, I was falling over myself and laughing at absolutely nothing, including a lamp in the hall as Rose carried me back up to our cabins. She attempted to keep me quiet as we entered, so as not to wake Cal or Mother, but that was practically impossible with me slurring my words. Trudy came in obviously aware that I was drunk and helped Rose to tuck me into bed, but I vomited all over the floor before they could get me in. I remember seeing the walls spinning and several clones of Rose and Trudy before I passed out into a deep unbroken sleep. I began to have a reoccurring dream, where I was drowning, but this time, there were many more people drowning alongside me.


	6. Chapter 6

Lilly's Memoir

Chapter 6— And so the drama begins

"Help me…help me!" I screamed in my sleep, tossing and turning, flinging my hands and feet in every direction, trying to attract the attention of someone who could pull me out of the dark, freezing water, but no one came to my aid. I kept screaming, frightened, as I felt the air leaving my body, and I fell into a struggle, like arms were pulling me down, and voices beneath the water were calling my name. The further I sank below the surface of the black abyss, the more I struggled, and just before passing out, I woke up, sitting straight up, almost head-butting Trudy. I inhaled deeply, wheezing, and coughing, almost vomiting again, all over my bed sheets. When I looked around me I saw all of our chambermaids around me, and Cal standing in the background with his arms crossed. I panted, placing my hands on my sweaty forehead, realizing it was only a dream, and fell back on my pillows.

"Miss, are you alright? Would you like me to bring anything for you?"

"No, it's alright, Trudy, I'm fine. It was just a nightmare. Trudy, may I remind you that you don't need to call me 'Miss'. Oh my gracious," I said, feeling exhausted and dizzy.

"Everyone leave the room, I need to speak to Lilly…alone." said Cal, indicating for all the servants to exit. Once the door clicked shut, Cal came and sat on the edge of my bed next to me, and lay back on his elbow.

"What do you want Cal? I just woke up from a serious nightmare; I don't need to have another one."

He brushed a lock of my hair away from my face, "Do you not trust me? I'm just here to make sure you are alright. You were screaming for the world to hear. What on earth were you dreaming?"

"That I was drowning in freezing water and being pulled under by people. I couldn't breathe."

"Well, I wonder what could have brought on a dream like that. Perhaps, you dreamt that because you were drunk beyond imagination last night, when you and Rose finally decided to return from that gutter rat party." I looked at him in shock, unaware that he knew where we were.

"How did you know where we were?"

"Mr. Lovejoy, of course, took the initiative to find both of you. And it was quite obvious when you came in, because you were singing mighty loudly. Now I hope that at the church service today you will repent."

"It's so like you to send your little man servant to follow us, isn't it."

"Perhaps it is, Lilly, and it's obviously a good thing I did."

"I did nothing wrong. I just got drunk and a bit happy is all."

"Hmm, well, let's see what your mother has to tell you; beware, she's not too happy. Get up now."

"Fantastic, now I have to face the spawn of the devil." I said, rolling out of my bed. After I had freshened up, and changed out of my night gown, I trudged into Mother's bedchamber where she waited for me. Upon seeing me, her face became twice as screwed, and she immediately stood up, walked over to me and slapped me across my face.

"Holy shit, what was that for?" I yelled, holding my face in pain.

"First of all, you better watch your language. I never taught you to speak like that. And second of all, do you realize how much embarrassment you've caused us, do you?"

"I'm assuming you're talking about the party Rose and I went to last night, and I'm sure Cal told you this morning what happened. And just so you know, no one saw either of us on the way back up."

"That's what you think, Lilly! Already for the morning, I've had a number of people telling me that you were filthy drunk last night and had Rose carrying you. I didn't bring you up this way!"

"You didn't bring me up period!"

"Of course not. Your father and that boy you spend all your time with have. You will not behave like that again, Lilly, and I mean never."

"Don't tell me what to do."

"I will not have you disgracing this family again, Lilly! I don't know what I have done to conceive such an irresponsible child. Everyone is talking about it, Lilly. EVERYONE! I don't understand how you could disgrace yourself like that."

"I haven't disgraced myself, Mother. I'm quite proud to be who I am. The only one here who is embarrassed is you. Everything is always about you and your damn image. Do you really believe that I care if _your _friends look at me in a bad light? I don't care, Mother!"

"Look at yourself. You are just as reckless as your father."

"Well, if he was so reckless, why did you marry him?"

"He wasn't a gambling alcoholic when we married. He became what he was after you and Rose were born!"

"Well, no wonder he drank himself to death, Mother! He married a bitch!" She looked at me in shock, that I had been so low as to say that. She covered her mouth, beginning to cry. I felt no remorse, she always hurt my feelings, and it felt good to see her hurt. "Yeah, Mother, that hurt, didn't it. Well, here's something else I've been hesitating to say: I hate you. No actually, let me rephrase: I seriously hate you. If there's anyone I loath more that Cal, it's you." I had hit the bone with what I said, and she collapsed into one of the arm chairs, her hand still covering her mouth. "Yeah, Mother, now you know how I feel every time you say something to bring me down. Now you know how much it hurts me to know that my own mother doesn't understand me, or take pride in me. All you ever do is make me feel bad about myself, and make everyone else think the same way as you do. So for the first time, have a dose of your own medicine." I said, retreating through the door and slamming it behind me. I could hear her on the other side of the door, beginning to wail. I proceeded to the private promenade deck, where Rose and Cal were having breakfast. I needed to talk to Rose, in order to release some of my frustration, but as I was about to walk through the door, I held back; Cal was about to scold Rose for going to the party.

"I was hoping you would come to me last night." I heard Cal say from behind the door.

"I was tired." Rose replied.

"Well, your excursions below deck were no doubt exhausting." There was an uncomfortable pause.

"I see you had that undertaker of a man servant follow me around. How typical."

"You will not behave like that again, Rose." Again there was a pause; there was likely to be an outburst at any moment.

"I am not a foreman in one of your mills that you can command. I am your fiancée." Rose retorted, and I completely agreed with her.

"My fian... my fiancée! Yes you are and my wife. My wife in practice, if not yet by law, so you will honour me. You will honour me the way a wife is required to honour a husband. Because I will not be made out a fool, Rose. Is this in any way unclear?" Cal yelled furiously, flinging the table, before pinning Rose to her chair. I jumped as the table went flying, sending all the dishes and cutlery to a loud crash.

"No." Rose replied fearfully. I became even more furious than I already was, since Cal was now using his anger to frighten Rose into honouring him, as though she was his property. As I stood up, back against the wall with my eyes closed, I heard Trudy pass onto the promenade deck, as Cal said a satisfied 'Good'. A second later he stalked through the door, not even noticing me.

"Oh gee, Cal, I wonder why Rose is melancholy. Probably it's because her beloved fiancé treats her like dust on the floor!" I said; I wasn't going to let him get away with ill-treating my sister without a fight. He stopped in his tracks and turned to face me, and I walked up to him.

"I suggest you keep your nose out of our business, Lilly. Do not get involved."

"Rose is my sister. Anything involving her is my business."

"I disciplined Rose because she needed to be disciplined."

"Oh, so now I suppose, Rose is a child. What on earth makes you think you have that right, hmmm? I don't ever recall Rose being your property Cal."

"Yes it is my right, damn it, and yes she is my property."

"Oh is that so? Well, if she is your property, then you are hers, therefore you can't order her not to make a fool out of you. As her property, she can do as she wishes to you, Cal."

"Lilly, you are trying my patience."

"I couldn't care less if I'm trying your patience, Cal. You try mine everyday."

"I'm telling you to step down, Lilly. I will not hesitate to hit you right now if you don't." He said, trying to hold his composure, so as not to attract the attention of our servants.

"Hit me then, damn it! If you do I'll only hit you back much harder. You had better watch your step Cal, because I might be a female who's younger than you, but I will not stand for a man who can hurt my sister."

"I will not have my wife dishonour me the way you've dishonoured your mother, Lilly. I will not have Rose stooping to your level." I glared at him shaking my head, and began to walk out to the promenade deck where Rose remained, but Cal grabbed my arm yanking me back to face him. "Don't you walk away from me, you little brat."

As I broke free, furious that he had the nerve to call me a brat, I swung my hand at him, slapping him harder than I had done before, knocking him back. "How dare you manhandle me, or call me a brat. I'm not your little fiancée, Cal, I don't need to listen to you." I said. Cal was stunned for a couple seconds andwas clearly infuriated, but just before he could attempt to say anything or slap me back, I slapped him again, harder, this time leaving a red hand print on his left cheek. He obviously remained stunned this time, because he stared at me wide-eyed, holding his cheek and began to splutter in fury. I shot him one last glare, turned on the spot and walked out to the promenade deck grinning at the thought that I had won this episode.

Trudy was comforting Rose on the floor when I walked out. I bent down and began to clear the broken china, but Trudy stopped me. "No Trudy. You shouldn't have to clean after Cal's mess. In fact, he should be cleaning it himself."

"No, Lilly, this is my job. Don't you worry yourself about the mess. You take Rose inside and get her cleaned up." I sighed, and did as she said. Rose had almost had a heart attack thanks to Cal. Once we were locked in Rose's room, I reassured her that everything would be fine, and picked out her clothes for the day. By the time I helped Rose get cleaned up, Trudy had finished cleaning the mess on the promenade deck, and took over from me, so that I could get dressed for the service.

I tried my best not to speak to either Mother or Cal for the rest of the day, though it was quite impossible. In public, we needed to act like a happy family, which was also proven impossible; I was quieter than normal and kept getting irritated any time Mother would tell me anything or when a person would give me an awkward look. It was true, everyone was talking about it, but they really didn't have to stare. As we gathered for the service, the stares became more piercing and people were gossiping with one another all around me.

During the service, as we were singing a hymn, I saw Jack at the door, but the door man wouldn't let him in. He had obviously caught the attention of Cal, Mother and Mr Lovejoy, who was standing at the side. Mr Lovejoy then took it upon himself to get rid of Jack. I pretended I wasn't watching the commotion unfolding outside, but once Lovejoy had managed to get rid of Jack, I pretended I needed to go to the bathroom really badly.

"Excuse me, Cal." I said, trying to pass. I needed to get to Jack before I lost him. Mother and Cal had both spoken sternly to Rose that day about Jack, and had her rethinking her friendship with him, and I couldn't allow that to happen.

"Where are you going?" Cal asked, looking at me suspiciously.

"I have to go to the bathroom."

"Sure you do."

"I do." I said, trying my best to convince him to move.

"Can't you hold it or something, we're in the middle of a service here."

"I know that obviously, but when I have to go, I have to go. So, let me go." With one last glance at my eyes searching me for a lie, Cal finally and surprisingly let me go. Just as I reached the door though, Mr Lovejoy was there to question me as well.

"And where do you think you are going, Miss DeWitt Bukator?"

"The bathroom, if you must know."

"Why couldn't you use the one right there in the dinning room?"

"Because I'd much rather use my own, thank you." I knew he too was suspicious and was searching me for a lie, just in case I had in fact seen Jack, but I refused to give myself away. I proceeded to go up the stairs to my room just as an illusion, but Mr Lovejoy followed me. "What on earth are you doing?" I said turning back to him.

"I think it best if I escort you back to the suite, just to make sure you don't take any detours to look for that Dawson boy."

"What are you talking about? What does going to the bathroom have to do with Jack?"

"Oh, I think you know, Miss DeWitt Bukator."

"Lovejoy, if you are going to talk to me, I suggest you talk some sense. Now if you don't mind, I would like to go to the bathroom already, before I soil myself. And I do believe I am quite capable of walking without a bodyguard." With that I continued up the steps, and once I was out of Lovejoy's sight, I took the next staircase, down to the third class deck. I ran around, holding up my dress so I wouldn't trip, asking everyone if they had seen him, until I literally ran into him.

"Oh my goodness, I'm so sorry." I apologized, only to look up and see Jack.

"Lilly, weren't you just—"

"Yes, but I snuck out to talk to you. I know you wanted to talk to Rose, and I know a way you can get to her. Mr Andrews is leading us on a tour of the ship after the service. What you can do is hide somewhere near the gymnasium area. The gym is always unlocked, so when we pass—"

"I can pull Rose in there, while you distract the others."

"Exactly. Anyway, I should head back, they think I've gone to the bathroom. Go up there soon and wait for us. I'm not sure where the tour will be begin, but more that likely it will begin at the bridge." I said as I began to head back to the service. The service was coming to an end when I got back, so I waited until Cal, Mother and Rose came out.

"Wow, Lilly, you took rather long in the bathroom," said Cal, looking at me suspiciously.

"On the way back I got distracted by Kyle and his parents, if you must know," I replied, giving him a quick smile before turning away so that he wouldn't read my lie all over my face.

We soon met up with Mr Andrews and as I had predicted, we began our tour at the bridge. He explained to us the purpose of all the gadget and switches associated with running the ship and how they worked.

"Why do you have two steering wheels?" asked Mother; a question we were all thinking to ask.

"We really only use this one near shore," answered Mr Andrews. Just then, one of the radio communications officers came to deliver an ice warning to Captain Smith, which apparently hadn't been the first one. My mother gave him a worried glance, but Captain Smith reassured her, though, to me, his logic made no sense.

"Oh not to worry; it's quite normal for this time of year. In fact, we're speeding up. I've just ordered the last boilers lit." he said. I couldn't understand why it is he would want to speed up when we were approaching an ice field. As we continued our tour around the boat deck, I began to search for Jack, though I did pay full attention to Mr Andrew's explanations. Though I had been thinking about it, Rose decided to actually bring up the topic of capacity aboard relative to the number of life boats.

"Mr Andrews, forgive me. I did this sum in my head, and with the number of life boats times the capacity you mentioned, forgive me, but it seems that there are not enough for everyone aboard."

"But half actually. Rose, you miss nothing, do you?" Rose gave Mr Andrews a faint smile, and my mind drifted just as I spotted Jack in another man's jacket and hat, leaning between the boats, completely disguised. As I walked passed him slowly, I gave him I light pinch on his arm to let him know that I would cover for him and Rose, and my mind came back into focus. "…which can carry an extra row of boats inside this one, but it was thought, by some, that the deck would look too cluttered, so I was overruled."

"It's a waste of deck space as it is on an unsinkable ship," said Cal, knocking a boat with his cane. I couldn't believe that both he and Mother actually believed that the ship was unsinkable. In fact, I couldn't understand why anybody could believe such a stupid and impossible idea.

"Sleep soundly, young Rose. I have built you a good ship; strong and true. She's all the life boats you need. Just keep heading aft; the next stop will be the engine room," said Mr Andrews, and he hurried forward to catch up with Cal and Mother who had walked ahead. Just then Jack grabbed Rose's hand and pulled her to the gym. Rose wasn't sure if she should go, but I indicated that I would cover for her and not to worry. I quickly caught up with Mr Andrews, for I needed to ask him about the ice warnings.

"Mr Andrews, sir, I was just wondering if you thought it wise that the captain should order more speed, when we're in an ice field, especially after receiving numerous warnings? I mean, wouldn't the wiser idea be to slow down or stop sailing?"

"You're quite right, Lilly. You are just like your sister. You could really do well at this particular job with the way you think."

"Well, I doubt any of the ships officers, far less the captain would hear the word of a 16 year old girl." I said. "But sir, in the event of an accident, if there are too few life boats, how could you or any ship owner allow themselves to be responsible for the deaths of half the passengers? I mean, after all, the ship can't possibly be unsinkable. I know its not, and if I were everyone else, I wouldn't put my unbroken faith in it, especially knowing that we are increasing speed in an ice field."

"Don't be ridiculous, Lilly, of course the ship is unsinkable." Cal said looking at my as though I was stupid, as Mr Andrews shot me an amazed grin.

"Lilly, you are one of the few people who hasn't been influenced by the unsinkable image the media has given the ship. And again, you are right, the ship is not unsinkable."

"So why on earth is everyone calling it unsinkable?"

"Well, in actuality, the ship was said to be _practically unsinkable_, because the ship was designed so that in the case of an emergency, the ship would remain afloat with four compartments filled with water. But of course, just as any message gets distorted as it is spreads, it eventually changed from _practically unsinkable_ to _unsinkable_. And of course, people are gullible and therefore believe everything they read or hear."

"I see." I said. Somehow, with all that I had discovered in one day, I felt uncomfortable, as though someone in my head was telling me that something bad would soon happen, and I began to feel immediate anxiety. Just then, Cal turned around realizing that his darling fiancée wasn't with us.

"Where is Rose?" He said, walking back to me. "We should go back and look for her."

"That isn't necessary Cal, I'm sure Rose will catch up with us soon. She'll be around in a few minutes."

"How do you know, Lilly, none of us have any idea what is keeping her. You don't know if something bad has happened to her. I'm going back to look for her." He said, beginning to make his way back to where he had last seen her, as I attempted to stop him, just in case he caught her and Jack together again.

"Cal, you don't need to go after her, she just stopped to speak to an old school friend. She'll be around in a minute." I said, lying in order to stop him, but he didn't pay any attention, and as we rounded the corner, surely there Rose was about to turn the corner herself. Cal and I sighed in relief, although for different reasons.

"Rose, where were you?" Cal asked sternly, as Rose glanced at me to help her.

"I already told you, Cal, she stopped to talk to an old school friend. Good heavens, when on earth are you going to trust me when I tell you something." I scolded, as Mother and Mr Andrews arrived on the scene as well.

"An old school friend, which one?" Mother asked curiously.

"Umm, uh, Brian Shepherd." Rose said, thinking of the first name that came to her head. Mother gasped with excitement at the thought.

"Oh wonderful! You, know, I always liked that boy; he was always such a gentleman, just like his father. Where is he, I'd like to tell him hello."

"Oh, he had to go. I don't know where he disappeared to so quickly."

"I should look out for him at dinner tonight. Aw, how wonderful!"

Later, at afternoon tea, Rose seemed to have been in a daze. She could have only been thinking about the words she and Jack shared earlier, but she didn't tell me what it was. If I thought correctly, she had rejected him, thanks to Mother and Cal, but she was rethinking it, no doubt. The conversation at tea was of course excruciatingly boring, and typical of my mother and her small minded friends. Of course, Mother was complaining to the Countess and to Lady Duff Gordon about the invitation drama, and of course the issue of the bridesmaids' gowns, and of course Lady Duff Gordon proceeded to boast about how she fixed them. But I could no longer take on their narrow chatter, and placed my hand on Rose's own, and watched her carefully, examining what she could possibly be thinking about.

"You know, Rose, it isn't too late to go back to him, if that is what you are thinking." She looked at me, in awe at how I had figured her out, and I gave her a small smile in reassurance. I got up from my seat and let everyone know that Rose and I were going out to take so air on deck, so as to get away and find Jack, before night fell. As we left, and reached to the cabin hall, we began to ask around if anyone knew Jack or where he was. Eventually, an Irish man with reddish brown hair answered our question; Jack was more than likely at the bow of the ship.

Just as the man said, Jack, surely, was at the bow, but instead of being his normal jolly self, he slouched, and from behind, I could tell that he was upset. Rose was somewhat nervous, for she couldn't be sure that Jack would forgive her for rejecting him earlier, but I coaxed her to go ahead. When she called Jack's name and he turned around, I knew that he had forgiven her instantly; he immediately was bursting with energy. I smiled and walked away, because they needed their privacy, and I didn't want to see what they might do.

I went back up to my room, where Trudy helped me to dress. It was strange not having Rose pick out a dress for me, and just as strange that I wasn't picking out hers, but it was for a good reason. Well, good and bad, after all, Rose was cheating on her fiancé behind his back. I picked out a dress which I knew Kyle would love, one that fit snugly to my body. It was white on top, with a green skirt, the collar matched the colour of the skirt with two white lines along the edge, and two pink bows with emerald centres were perfectly placed, one where the ends where my collar met and the other at my lower back. The outfit was topped off with matching white and green, elbow length gloves, and I pulled my hair up into a loose ponytail, held by a translucent bubble. Surprisingly, Rose had velvety green shoes that matched my dress, which I was sure to borrow.

Of course, everyone was baffled as to why Rose hadn't been present at dinner, and hadn't been seen since she and I had gone for our 'walk'. No doubt, Cal had asked me again and again where she was, and I answered truthfully that I had no idea; they couldn't possibly still be in the same spot after about 2 and a half hours together. I refused to tell him why she wasn't there, and acted like I didn't know, and finally dinner ended, and I escaped Cal's prying questions to my rendezvous with Kyle.

The air was unusually cold, which made me more excited as I would have an excuse to cuddle in Kyle's arms, not that he would ever object. He was, of course, taken by how I looked, though more than usual as I had dressed specifically to please him.

"I have a gift for you." He said, pulling a lily from behind his back, and presenting it to me.

"Kyle, where did you get that?"

"I stole it from the dinner table, just before I came up here to see you, and I thought, since your name is Lilly, I should present you with a lily, and of course I know that you love lilies." I smiled at him, blushing slightly, taking the lily from his hand and sniffing it.

"How thoughtful." I said, placing a warm and gentle kiss on his soft lips. I took hold of his hand and we walked. The energy both of us were radiating was intense and romantic, and the clear sky only made it more so. We walked for about five minutes in absolute silence, and I noticed that he kept looking at me, examining me as though I had something stuck to my face.

"Kyle, do I have something on my face that has you fixed on it?"

"No, of course not, I wouldn't do that to you." He said giggling.

"Well then, why are you staring at me?" I said smiling at him smiling at me.

"Well, I just noticed that you have a cluster of freckles right next to your left eye. I never noticed them before. So, technically you do have something on your face. You have a beauty mark, not that you weren't already the most beautiful girl in the entire world."

"No I'm not." I said, looking away from him blushing.

"Yes you are, and I love you; every last inch of you."

"Well I should hope that you love me after so long. I love you too."

"No, well, I mean that I'm in love with you," he said, stopping me from walking. I looked at him somewhat amazed that he actually developed the confidence to tell me those words. I smiled at him unable to reply, and drew him into my arms, and eventually uttered that same words in his ear.

"I'm in love with you too. You're the only person in the world that I want to be with."

"Will you marry me? Well not yet, but we can wait until we are twenty, when I join my father in his business and have money to support both of us."

"Yes." I said, my voice beginning to break as tears began to spill from my eyes. He dried my tears with his thumbs, silently laughing at me, and I began to laugh at myself. Just then he grabbed me around my waist and lifted me, kissing me most passionately. It was the deepest kiss I had ever experienced, and my first time experiencing a French kiss. His tongue was soft against mine and I found him to be a natural at this, and I automatically wondered whether or not I was doing it right, and if he was thinking the same as I was. This thought led to other thoughts of what it would be like on my wedding night and honeymoon; he was the one who would take my virginity no doubt, and I wanted him to, my body now belonged to him, but the thought sort of scared me. We spent the rest of the night huddled in each other's arms, and dancing to the music being played inside.

Eventually, it was time for me to return to my cabin. I met Cal on my way in, and he looked quite agitated.

"Cal?" I said, looking at him questioningly.

"Your sister remains missing, but at least now we know that she is out with that her little boyfriend of hers." He said murderously. I remained silent, not sure whether I should tell him that I knew she was with him the whole time. "Not only is she with him, she was in this room with him, and I don't trust him."

"How do you know he was in here?"

"Because, I caught them running away from me, and I chased them until they locked themselves into the engine room, locking me out. You know, Lilly, your sister is becoming more and more like you...reckless." sneered Mr Lovejoy. Subconsciously, Cal found himself entering his safe, only to find something abnormal inside.

"Anything missing?" Lovejoy asked, as Cal pulled out a letter in Rose's hand writing, read it, and pulled out what looked like an art folder. It opened to a drawing but I couldn't see what it was, and I knew it must have been Jack's art. Cal immediately squeezed the drawing and letter between his fingers and looked at them again in anger and disbelief.

"I've got a better idea." Said Cal, thinking up an evil plan to get back at Jack, but I couldn't understand why.

"Let me see," I said, taking them from his hand. I looked at the drawing first, in utter amazement; my sister posed nude for Jack to draw her, and it was really good too. She was right; Jack was a fine artist. I became even more amazed when I read the letter: _'Now you can keep us both locked in your safe.' _

"Wow," I said with small laugh. "This is a new low, even for you, Cal. Not even I could have come up with such a brilliant idea to get back at you; I would have simply attacked you physically." I said again, laughing at how stupid this made Cal look.

"Do you mean to tell me that you are actually in favour of what Rose has done?" Cal asked scowling at me.

"Of course, Cal. All you have done is make her miserable. She doesn't want to marry you Cal, not to mention the fact that she doesn't love you either. I knew the entire time that she was with Jack. I'm the one who convinced her to go back to him. I didn't know that she would go as far as to bring him to our room and have him draw a nude picture of her, which is why I'm so amazed. It seems that Rose has in fact dishonoured you, the way I have dishonoured my mother, if not worse." I said, looking back at the drawing. "This drawing is really good Cal, don't you think? It must be the first time you are getting to see her naked, ha-ha, too bad you weren't the first." I said, laughing to his face, purposely ridiculing him, to make him feel even more stupid than he already felt. He glared at me murderously, grabbing the drawing and letter from my hands, and continuing with his 'brilliant' scheme.

"Like I said, I have a better idea." He pulled out the box which held the precious heart-shaped diamond, and handed it to Mr Lovejoy, as I watched bewildered. "When Rose decides to come back up here, she will most likely be hand in hand with that scum. I want you, Mr Lovejoy to wait for them in the hall, and place it in his pocket. Yes, Lilly, we are going to pretend that Jack stole it when Rose was not looking."

"You can't do that Cal! If there's anyone you should be taking revenge on, it should be Rose. Jack has done nothing wrong. Rose fell for him, damn it."

"And he went right along with it, Lilly, knowing that she is engaged. And don't you think that I won't be punishing Rose for this. You should be happy that I haven't attacked you, yet." I glared at Cal in disbelief he was going to have Jack locked up. Just then I felt a great shudder, like we were experiencing an earthquake.

"What was that?" I asked, my mind shifting to the unusual shaking.

"Does it matter right now, Lilly?"

"The engines have stopped."

"Stop trying to change the subject Lilly."

"I'm not you fool! The engines have stopped, something is not right."

"Argh! I'm going to find someone to fetch the master at arms." He said, pushing me aside and walking through the door, immediately falling into character. Mr Lovejoy and I followed him outside, where many other people were inquiring about the strange shudder as well. A steward happened to have been walking down the hall, looking frustrated by all the worried questions everyone was asking.

"You there!" Cal said, pointing at him.

"Sir, there is no emergency."

"Yes there is, I have been robbed!"

"Get the master at arms," said Mr Lovejoy, going along with Cal's claim. I just stood there, unable to do anything to stop them. The steward hesitated but Cal quickly fixed him.

"Now, you moron!"

"Yes, sir."

Cal turn back to face me, smirking at the idea that his plan was working so far. I simply rolled my eyes, and walked back into the room. Soon, my mother had arrived only to be fed Cal's version of what had truly happened. My mother, of course, was appalled by what Rose ha done, and no word of mine could defeat that of Cal's, because she hated Jack just as much. All I could do was stand back and watch as this disaster unfolded before my eyes, and hope that Rose returned without Jack. Mother and Cal, of course, scolded me for allowing this to even start, and the only reason Cal didn't hit me was because Mother was standing right there.

Eventually the master at arms arrived to our cabin, but realized he could do nothing about the 'situation' until Jack and Rose returned to the room, but Cal seemed to keep his character pretty well, acting as though the sitting room was the scene of a murder, rather than the scene of a man acting as though his 'oh, so precious' jewel was stolen.

"I think they're very good, sir," said the master at arms as he looked at Jack's drawings, obviously not concerned about the dilemma which had cause the so called theft in the first place. Cal didn't like his statement, and grabbed the draws from his hand, just as he had done to me, and scolded the steward saying not to touch anything. Cal even went as far as saying he wanted the room photographed; he really knew how to waste his money, which disgusted me.

Just then, Rose and Jack entered the room, and just as Cal had predicted, they were hand in hand. Rose looked worried about something, but I couldn't seem to figure out what just by looking at her.

"Something serious has happened." She announced, only getting Cal more riled up than he already was.

"Yes it has," he said harshly, glancing over at Mr Lovejoy, who raised his eyebrows to indicate that he had put the necklace in Jack's pocket, and I rubbed my face with my right hand, covered my mouth and shook my head in frustration. "…indeed. Two things dear to me have disappeared tonight. Now that one is back, I have a pretty good idea where to find the other. Search him!" Cal said, glaring at Jack.

"Take of your coat, sir," said another steward to Jack.

"Now what?"

"Cal, what are you doing? We're in the middle of an emergency. What's going on?" said Rose, bewilderedly. She mentioned that we were in the middle of an emergency, which could only have something to do with the earlier shake.

"Is this it?" asked the steward, pulling the diamond out of Jack's pocket.

"That's it." Cal confirmed, taking it back. Jack was stunned, and didn't hold his composure this time.

"This is horse shit! Don't you believe it Rose, don't!"

"He couldn't have."

"Of course he could. He's easy enough for a professional."

"But I was with him the whole time, this is absurd."

"Perhaps he did it when you were putting your clothes back on, dear." Cal muttered into Rose's ear, though loud enough for everyone else to hear. Rose's face immediately went white, as though she hadn't expected him to find out.

"Real slick, Cal." Jack said. "Rose, they put it in my pocket."

"Shut up!" said Cal, not wanting him to steer Rose in the right direction, but I could take no more.

"Rose, don't believe Cal. None of this it true! Cal is only trying to get back—" but before I could finish what I was saying, Mother shut me up by placing her hand over my mouth and scolding me.

"It isn't even your pocket, is it son. Property of A. L. Ryerson," said Lovejoy, handing the jacket over to the master at arms.

"That was reported earlier today," said the master at arms. This only made the situation all the more worse, as now, Rose was doubting Jack's honesty.

"No, I just borrowed it. I was going to return it." Everyone began to laugh sarcastically at Jack's attempt to defend himself through being honest, and as always, this didn't work in Jack's favour. By now, no one would believe me if I were to stick up for Jack, so I just stood there with obvious disgust plastered on my face. The master at arms and the stewards then proceeded to struggle to carry Jack down to E Deck to lock him up "You know I didn't do this Rose, you know it. Don't you believe them Rose! You know it! You know I didn't do it, Rose. Rose! You know I didn't do it! You know me!"

And with that, the door closed and no more could be heard from Jack. I sighed in exasperation, and again rubbed my hand over my face, and trailed it though the hair that scaled my face. "Oh my gosh. Cal, how could you do this? How could you? You know Jack was innocent, you bastard!" I shouted, walking over to him and shoving him roughly, but Mother pulled me back, and told me to stay out of it, so I backed off, but I surely wasn't going to keep out of it. Cal walked to the open door to the private promenade deck, and stood there for a few moments, as Rose stood there hand on hip, upset and angry at what had happened. Just then, Cal walked over to Rose, ready to say something, but couldn't let it out. Instead, he slapped her with more force than I'd ever seen him use, even on me, which meant he was definitely extremely furious. I stepped forward, fists clenched in furry at the fact that he had the nerve to slap her, especially in my presence, but Mother held me back.

"Well, it is a little slut, isn't it. You look at me when I'm talking to you!" he yelled, grabbing her by the arms, but before he could scold her any further, there was a knock at the door and the steward invited himself in.

"Mr Hockley." He called.

"Not now; we're busy."

"Sir, I've been told to ask you to please put on your life belts and come up to the—"

"I said, not now!"

"I'm sorry to inconvenience you, Mr Hockley, but it's Captain's orders. Now, please, dress warmly; it's quite cold out tonight. Now, may I suggest top coats and hats." Cal glanced back at Rose letting out an impatient laugh.

"This is ridiculous," he mutter under his breath, and looked at me as I looked at the steward horrified. It could only be an emergency if we had to put on our life belts.

"Not to worry, Miss. I'm sure it's just a precaution," the steward said to Rose, thinking that she was worrying rather than holding her face due to the pain of the slap Cal had just given her. He left the room just after leaving us to dress properly for the cold night. I took Rose into her room, and locked the door behind us, then turned to look at her.

"Rose, you don't seriously believe that Jack stole that diamond, do you?"

"Well, I don't know what else I'm supposed to think. He stole that man's jacket, didn't he?"

"He might have taken the jacket, but that was only to disguise himself so that he could talk to you today, but since when do you ever trust anything Cal says? Of course Cal was lying, Rose."

"How do you know?"

"Do you honestly believe I would be supporting Jack if I had no evidence to prove him innocent?" Rose turned her glance from me to look at the floor, and I knew she felt that I had been right somehow, but still couldn't be too sure. I went over to her and hugged her tightly, and reassured her that we would find a way to free Jack. Then before it could slip my mind, I had to ask Rose what had happened earlier that now had us dressing up in life belts.

"Rose, what happened tonight? Do you know? I felt an immense shudder."

"We hit an iceberg. I witnessed it."

"What?"

"I overheard Mr Andrews and some of the Officers saying that we are already under water. It sounded quite bad, from what I was hearing." I stared at Rose, in shock, because everything I had felt earlier, including the dream seemed to be coming true before my eyes.

"How many compartments have filled will water?"

"I don't know."

I looked again at Rose, unable to repeat everything Mr Andrews had told me earlier on, but instead decided to rush to get out coats and get out to the boat deck as quickly as possible. Now, all I could think about was Kyle and his safety.


	7. Chapter 7

Lilly's Memoir

Chapter 7— The Sinking

Once we had reached out to the staircase, it seemed to me that no one knew what was going on. No one wore an expression of the slightest concern, even though they were all wearing their life jackets. I couldn't understand how they could possibly be so relaxed; shouldn't the need to wear a life jacket make them uneasy? I could feel that my face was flushed, because my eyes were wide with fear, and I was feeling sick to my stomach, knowing that I had had a vision, and that my dreams were in fact real. I knew that the ship was to sink and people were to die tonight, but I needed confirmation.

Within moments of reaching the staircase, Rose and I spotted Mr Andrews walking past everyone, dazed, gazing around him at his beloved ship and the people inside it. Rose took this opportunity to confirm both of our fears.

"Mr Andrews, I saw the ice berg, and I see it in your eyes. Please tell me the truth." Cal and I both walked up to hear the response, though Cal, like everyone else, was not expecting the truth.

"The ship will sink," replied Mr Andrews, still in a state of shock.

"Oh my gosh." I said, tears welling up in my eyes, and my heart beginning to race.

"Are you certain?" asked Rose, to make sure she had heard correctly.

"Yes, in an hour or so, all of this will be at the bottom of the Atlantic.

"What?" said Cal in confusion and disbelief.

"Please, tell only who you must; I don't want to be responsible for a panic. Now get to a boat quickly. Don't wait. You remember what I taught you about the boats?"

"Yes…I understand." Rose turned her back once our question was answered and watched me wide eyed, her face losing colour just as mine had. Cal too was taken aback by what Mr Andrews said and was taking the moment to allow it to sink in, as I went to tell Mother what was really happening, but of course, she was too narrow minded to understand the graveness of the situation, she was more concerned about the belongings.

We headed outside into the cold, where tension was just beginning to rise, to reserve our place on a lifeboat, before the crowd got out of hand. Molly had already begun to take control of the situation and assist the officers in loading the boats.

"Any room for a gentleman, uh, gentlemen?" asked Cal, noticing that only women and children were getting into the boats.

"Only women at this time, sir," said one of them preparing the boat. I watched as wives hesitated to leave their husbands behind and it made me think of Kyle and I then felt to run back and look for him, to at least make sure he was alright, to atleast let him know what had happened, but my train of thought was broke by my mother's voice.

"Will the lifeboats be seated according to class? I hope they're not too crowded," she said, and both Rose and I glared at her ignorance, but Rose was the one to comment.

"Oh Mother, shut up! Don't you understand? The water is freezing and there aren't enough boat, not enough by half. Half the people on this ship are going to die." Mother looked at Rose in shock at the reality of the situation, then looked away as she prepared herself to get onto the boat.

"Not the better half," said Cal, who smirked at Rose. Molly then guided Mother onto the boat, followed by myself, and Cal handed me my life jacket. I continued to glare at him for making such a preposterous comment; he really had minimal regard for human life. "You know, it's a pity I didn't keep that drawing; it'll be worth a lot more by morning," he added still smirking at Rose. My mouth dropped, and Rose glared back at Cal. I believe that at this moment, Rose realized that Jack hadn't stolen the necklace, and that the whole thing was a set up, just by the comment Cal had made.

"You unimaginable bastard," she replied, but Cal didn't take her on, and just placed her life belt into the boat, as now it was her turn to get in.

"Cal, you are one sly son-of-a-bitch," I said shaking my head, as Molly encouraged Rose to get into the boat, but as the realization of Jack's innocence was sinking in, she hesitated, stepping away from the boat slowly. Mother began to scold her for not getting in, trying her best not to cause a scene, but Rose refused to come.

"Goodbye Mother," she said, gave me a quick glance and looked at Cal with disgust, then began to make her way back inside.

"Rose, what are you doing? Rose!" I yelled after her. I wasn't going to allow Rose to leave me, safe in a boat, while she remained, searching for Jack on a quickly sinking ship, and as she drew further away from me, and as Mother screamed for her to come back, I prepared myself to jump out of the boat. Cal had caught up with her and I could see Rose fighting to get away from him, as the life boat began to descend. Mother screamed for the officers to stop lowering the boat, but they wouldn't listen and I couldn't remain on the boat. I looked at Mother giving her an apologetic look, and jumped out of the boat, with a struggle. The officer guiding the men lowering the boat grabbed me as I tried to run to Rose.

"Ma'am, what are you doing?"

"No! Let me go!" I fought to get away from him.

"Lilly, no! No!" My mother and Molly yelled up to me, but it was too late for me to even try to get back into the boat, they had been lowered too far, and eventually the officer let me go, and I ran, following the slight glimpse of Rose I was getting through the crowd. She had fought off Cal, and he stood there shocked and gaping after her. I pumped into him, apologizing as I ran by, giving him no time to grab hold of my hand to stop me.

The crowd began to get thicker, and I lost sight of Rose, but I refused to give up. As I got inside I began to ask people if they had seen her pass, giving her description to those who didn't know her, and eventually I managed to catch up with her.

"Rose!" She turned to see me shocked that I had come after her.

"Lilly, why did you get out of the boat?"

"I wasn't going to leave you alone on a sinking ship. How on earth are you planning to find Jack?"

"Come, I'm looking for Mr Andrews. I don't know how else to find Jack quickly."

"And how do you plan to find Mr Andrews in this mess?"

"I'm asking around. Someone said he's trying to evacuate all of the first class cabins, so that's where I'm headed." I followed her lead, and we both called for Mr Andrews, searching every possible corridor, asking everyone in our path if they had seen him, until finally we found him. "Mr Andrews! Mr Andrews! Thank God! Where would the master at arms take someone under arrest?"

"What? You have to get to a boat right away."

"No! I'm doing this with or without your help, sir, but without would take longer." Mr Andrews looked at us for a couple seconds bewildered, but gave in to our pleading expressions.

"Take the elevator to the very bottom and go to the left. Down the crewman's passage, then go right and left again at the stairs. You'll come to a long corridor. It will be somewhere along there."

"Thank you, sir."

"Good luck to both of you. And, please, hurry."

"We will, and good luck to you too Mr Andrews." I called back as Rose and I rushed to the elevator. The halls were crowded, worse than they had been when we had just come onto the ship, making it hard for us to get through. We kept bumping into people, but when we finally made it to the elevator, there were a number of men and women arguing with the elevator steward to let them use it, but he wouldn't. Rose and I ran up to him to try to pass but he blocked us.

"I'm sorry, Miss, but the lifts are closed."

"Let us on, damn you!" I yelled at him.

"I'm through with being polite, God damn it!" said a frustrated Rose, shoving him into the back of the elevator, and I ran in after her, just as annoyed. "Now take me down! E Deck." She said, as he did as she wished, obviously taken aback by her reaction. I wanted the elevator to go faster, because we had hardly any time before the ship would be complete engulf in water, but I wished otherwise as we reached E Deck. Water was already at least to the knee, and spilled over into the elevator as we landed. It was so powerful that it knocked up back with a roar, freezing our legs instantly, and Rose and I let out loud screams.

"I'm going back up!" the man yelled in terror.

"No! No!" both Rose and I said as we fought him to get out.

"Miss, come back! I'm going back up! I'm going back up!" he yelled back at us, leaving us there to watch as he abandoned us. My heart was raced, with every thump feeling like it would come through my throat.

"Rose, what do we do now?"

"Crew passage…crew passage." She said as she found the crewman's corridor as Mr Andrews had told us, and led me through it. We followed the directions that Mr Andrews had given us, both of us trying desperately not to get ourselves confused. I couldn't think straight, for the fear was deep in my bones, and the water was cold, making me even more terrified of drowning. What if we got trapped and we couldn't get out? All of this would have been useless. Finally we got to the staircase where we found the long corridor.

"Did, Mr Andrews say left or right? Forget it, just call out to Jack; he's bound to hear us. Jack!"

"Jack!...Jack!...Jack!"

"Rose!"

"He's on your side!" I yelled.

"Jack!"

"Rose, I'm in here!" he yelled back, banging his cuffs against a pipe. Finally we found the door the noise was coming from and opened it, and surely there was Jack handcuffed to a pipe, and simply left there. Had we not come, he would have drowned in the worst sort of way.

"Jack, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," said Rose running through the water to Jack, and kissing him.

"That guy, Lovejoy, put it in my pocket."

"I know, I know, I know." I could feel how much they had fallen for each other, and how much they cared for one another, making me even more concerned about Kyle and his family, and somewhat jealous that Rose was with her love and I wasn't. I had no idea where they could possibly be, how they were doing or if Kyle and his father could even get off the ship, considering that only women and children were allowed on the boats so far.

"Listen Rose, you're gonna have to find a spare key, alright. Look in that cabinet right there. It's a little silver one Rose."

Rose searched through the keys as fast as she could, as I watched out the door only to notice that the water level was rising quite quickly. "These are all brass ones!" Rose yelled.

"Check right here Rose." Rose and I both ran up to the desk he had indicated and pulled out a drawer each to search through. "Rose, how did you find out I didn't do it?"

I didn't, I just realized I already knew." They stared at each other for a moment before Jack finally reminded Rose to continue looking. I searched my drawer twice before throwing it aside and pulling out another one, only to find a bunch of soaked papers.

"There's no key in either of these!"

"No key," said Rose, realizing that she didn't have a key in her drawing either, and began to panic. "There's no key!"

"OK, listen Rose, you're gonna have to go get help. It'll be alright."

Rose ran up and kissed Jack again before leaving the room, "I'll be right back. Come with me Lilly." I looked back at Jack to give him a reassuring nod and left with Rose. I heard Jack call back that he would that he would be waiting, which was obvious, but at the same time it also gave us enough confidence to believe that we would be back in time to save him. We ran up the stairs, and separated along the corridors calling for anyone who would help us, until we met back. After that we stuck together, not wanting to lose each other.

"We need help, Hello! Damn it!"

"Oh God! We're never going to find anyone, they've all gone!"

"Can anybody hear me, please, hello!" Just then a man appeared around the corner, frightened for his life. "Oh thank God! Wait, please, I need your help. There's a man back here and…wait!...Hello!" but the man ran off, leaving us back once again at square one. I leaned back against the wall, frustrated, not knowing what to do, and slid to the floor, burying my head in my hands. Rose walked back down the hall a bit, also losing all hope. Just then the lights began to die, leaving the hall in pitch darkness. I could hear Rose begin to panic and pant in fear, as I did the same.

"Rose, what's happening?" I called to her, with my arms stretched out in front of me, and walked forward to try to find her, but the lights came back before she could answer. I released a sigh of relief and walked back over to her and she continued calling for help. Just then, another man, a steward came around the corner with a number of life belts under his arm.

"Oh, Miss, you shouldn't be here." He said, taking hold of Rose's wrist.

"Wait, I need your help.

"Yes alright."

"Sir, wait! Please, we need your help, stop!" I said, walking in front him, backward, to try and stop him.

"There is a man down here and he's trapped."

"Yes alright. There's no need to panic." Clearly he was the one panicking for he wasn't hearing a word coming out of either of our mouths, so I stepped to the side to try to get Rose's hand loose from his grip.

"No, I'm not panicking! You're going the wrong way!"

"Let go of me/her!" Rose and I cried in unison.

"LISTEN!" yelled Rose fed up, and released her anger by throwing one of the best punches I had ever seen, knocking him against the opposite wall of the next corridor. He looked up, his nose broken and bleeding, "To hell with you," he said stunned, and ran off, out of sight.

"Oh God! Now what are we going to do?" Rose looked at me hopelessly and leaned back against the wall, closing her eyes to think. By chance, I happened to looked ahead of me, to find a fire hose and an axe, placed in a glass case. "Rose, will that work?" I asked, pointing at the axe, and before I, myself, could react, Rose grabbed the hose and threw the head into the glass case, breaking it, and pulled out the axe. We bolted as fast as we could back to the staircase and found the water level had risen almost to the ceiling of E Deck.

"Oh my god," said Rose, as I just watched apprehensively. We inched down the steps, Rose before me, and she hooked the axe in the bars of the doorway as she looked through to see how flooded it was, then proceeded to remove her coat.

She went first, down into the water, yelping at how cold the water was, and immediately I thought that she had been out of her mind to remove her coat, so I kept mine on, but just as quickly realized that it was holding me back as I tried to make my way through the icy water, and had to also remove it. As we got into the room we noticed that Jack had propped himself up on a desk, to avoid the freezing water.

"Jack, will this work?"

"I guess we'll find out, come on. Wait…Try a couple practice swings over there." This would have been a fantastic idea, since we didn't want Rose to chop off Jack's hand, but we had no time, and I had to encourage them to hurry as I watched the water level rising even fast now. Rose chopped into part of the cabinet door, but didn't manage to hit the same spot a second time (she was actually very far off), but we had no time for her to become skilled.

"Ok, that's enough practice. Come on, Rose, you can do it. Listen, just hit it really hard and really fast. Wait, open your hand up a little more."

"Like that?"

"Right. Go!" All three of us closed our eyes, expecting the worst, but all we heard was a loud bang against the metal pipe, and when we opened our eyes, we all shouted in amazement and joy, because Rose had managed, out of pure luck, to cut the cuffs directly in the centre, freeing Jack. "You did it! Ha-ha! Let's go!"

But as we got out of the door, we realized that the way we had come was now flooded; water was pouring down the staircase. Goosebumps formed all over my body; I didn't want to drown, nor did I want the Jack or Rose to have the same fate, not like this.

"This is the way out!" yelled Rose over the sound of rushing water.

"We're gonna have to find another way. Come on!" Jack grabbed onto Rose's hand and she grabbed hold of mine, and we followed him through the flooding halls and up a staircase we had found, but we couldn't find an unlocked gate. Becoming rather irked, Jack began to tap the walls to see how hollow they were, until he finally found one hollow enough, at the end of a shady hall. It seemed to be a wall between cabins, and we could hear a steward yelling for people to put on their life belts. Jack was the first to ram himself into the wall, but it didn't break down, so Rose and I jumped in to help, and all three of us ran into the wall as hard and fast as we could, finally tumbling through.

"What do you think you're doing?" asked the cocky steward, though we ignored him and tried to find the quickest and best way out, our frustration evident on our faces. "You'll have to pay for that, you know. That's White Star Line property!"

"Shut up!" All three of us shouted in unison and continued marching as fast as we could. Eventually, we came to see a number of people, the crowd getting increasingly thicker as we made our way through, until we realized that people were crowded before one of the gates. It appeared to be locked, which was why it looked as though there was a riot up at the front. I couldn't believe that they had the third class people locked down here, on a sinking ship. I couldn't understand; poor or not, these were people too! Just then, the same Irish man with the red hair, who had guided me to find Jack earlier that day, came down through the crowd.

Jack!" he called out.

"Tommy! Can we get out?"

"It's hopeless that way."

"Well whatever we do, we've got to do it fast." Within a couple seconds, I heard Fabrizio call out to Jack as well. "Fabrizio!"

"De boats are all gone!"

"The whole boat is flooded; we've got to get out of here."

"Dere's niente dis way!"

"Alright…Let's go this, alright, come on." We ran from hall to hall, searching for an alternative escape passage and finally Jack found a possibility.

"Come on!" shouted Tommy, not realizing that Jack had come across a better passageway.

"No, come on, let's go this way." We continued to follow where other people were going, passing an Arabic family trying their best to translate the signs on the wall, and up to another staircase, blocked by another locked gate. The steward at the top was ordering people to go back down the main stairwell if they wanted to get out, but that was even more hopeless, so Jack squeezing his way though the small host of people, to get the man to open the gate.

"Open the gate."

"Go back down the main stairwell."

"Open the gate right now!"

"Go back down the main stairwell like I told you!"

Just then, Jack lost his temper on the man, in a way I could have never expected him to react, slamming the gate back and forth in anger, "God damn it! Son-of-a-bitch!" he yelled, his face turning red, and he stalked back through the people, noticing a benched built into the floor, and began to rip it out, calling to Fabrizio and Tommy for help, and another man assisted them too. Rose and I quickly made everyone move out of their way as Jack, Fabrizio, Tommy, and the other man, whom I recognized was in the third class Irish band, readied themselves to ram the bench into the gate and knock it down. The steward was yelling at them to put the bench down, while the other steward who was assisting him, ran off, knowing he couldn't stop them. They rammed the bench into the gate twice before ripping it right off its hinges, allowing everyone climbed though.

We made our way out on deck, where there was endless chaos in all directions as the ship continued to go under. Again, my heart began to pound a lot faster, and harder in my chest, and I could feel the tears making my vision a bit blurry.

"The boats are gone!" shouted Rose, as I looked at her, wide eyed, in terror.

"Bu—but there must be some boats left!" I called back, holding a blanket around me that I had gotten when we were running out on deck.

"Colonel, are there any boats on that side?" Rose asked Colonel Gracie as he passed, not looking very bothered, though his wife and daughter did.

"No Miss, but there are some all the way forward. I'll lead you." But we didn't wait for him to lead us, and instead ran as fast as we could through the horde, past the first class band playing out on deck, to the first boat we could find. The crowd was swarming chaotically, increasing my anxiety. People were pushing and men were trying to jump into the boats; people were losing their minds. Jack clung to both Rose and me to make sure we didn't get pushed away from him. "Women and children only!" yelled one of the officers, shooting his gun off in the air to frighten the crowd, and I covered my ears and screamed.

"This is crazy!" I yelled to Jack, "Someone is going to get shot!"

Jack stroked my head, and hugged me into his chest to let me know that he would keep us protected. He then turned to Tommy and Fabrizio and told them to check the other side for boats. Rose and I watched as a man watched his wife and crying daughters ripped from his grasp and put into the boat, and how he attempted to reassure them that he would see them after, that there was another boat for the fathers, but I could tell he knew differently. It was heart wrenching, and I could feel tears stream down my face.

"I'm not going without you, Jack." Said Rose, clearly not willing to experience what they were feeling.

"You have to go, now!"

"No Jack."

"Rose, we may not get another boat, we have to go, now!"

"Get in the boat Rose."

"No Jack."

"Yes, get in the boat."

"Yes, get in the boat, Rose!" came Cal's indignant voice through the hysterical crowd. I turned to see him, shocked at how he had found us, as he glared at Jack and pushed him aside, away from both Rose and me. "My god, look at you, you look a fright! Here, put this on," he said, removing the blanket from around Rose's shoulders and pushing it in Jack's face and giving her his coat. He tried to smoothen out her messy hair, but Jack pushed him off of her. I looked at Cal and could see the jealousy and the feeling of abandonment and betrayal in his eyes, and put my hand on his arm; I was actually feeling sorry for Cal, all he wanted was to win her back.

"Go on, I'll get the next one." Said Jack to Rose.

"No, not without you."

"I'll be fine. I'm a survivor alright, now go on, get on." Seeing that Rose refused to get on, Cal made up a lie to get her to go; well at least it was definitely a partial lie.

"I have an arrangement with an officer on the other side of the ship. Jack and I can get off safely…both of us." I scanned Cal's eyes for the truth, but couldn't find it; it was likely that Cal had, in fact, bribed an officer.

"See, I've got my own boat to catch," said Jack knowing that Cal had lied, but also had to get Rose onto the boat.

"Hurry, it's almost full," said Cal, gesturing toward the boat. In his voice I picked up a broken tone as though he didn't want to leave her, but knew he had to. As Rose was being helped onto the boat, I hugged Jack one last time, and wished him luck and tears streamed down my face, then I turn to Cal.

"Go on, quickly," he said to me, as he gave me a small hug. I gave him a nod, and he sent me onto the boat after Rose. Once I was settled next to Rose, I held onto her hand, and tried to stop myself from crying as I looked up as Jack and Cal. As we were being lowered, I realized how hard it was to leave Cal behind. No matter how much we battled, we were still like family, or close friends, and it hurt to see him growing more and more distant. I didn't know what would happen to him or Jack after this, or if I would ever see either of them ever again.

I could feel the tension in Rose's hand rising, and she was looking around, as though she was trying to find a way out, and finally, once we reached the floor just below deck, Rose made up her mind, let go of my hand and ran to the edge of the boat, and jumped right out.

"Rose, no! What are you doing? Oh God!" I screamed after her, and I could hear Jack and Cal calling after her. I wasn't going to be left alone in this boat. Rose couldn't desert me; isolation was one of biggest weakness, and I wasn't going to be alone in this situation, so I jumped out a couple seconds after Rose did, and once I was pulled back onto the ship, I pursued her.

"Rose, stop!" I yelled after her, eventually catching up with her, and following her to the grand staircase where Jack had also ran to meet her. I didn't disturb them in their moment, so instead I walked up a few stairs to catch my breath from the run, and noticed Cal and Lovejoy at the top of the staircase, looking down on the scene. Lovejoy tried to pull Cal away to leave Jack and Rose, but I could see the anger due to betrayal rising within him as Lovejoy finally got him to walk away. I lost sight of them for a few seconds, but before I knew it, there Cal was again, but this time with a pistol in his hand, running back to the staircase, and pointed the gun straight at us.

"—Come on!" I heard Jack yell to both Rose and me. He had also seen Cal, and just as we ducked out of the way I heard a loud _bang!_ I screamed as my heart skipped a beat and flung myself to the ground to my right, as Jack and Rose ducked to the left just in time, and started running down the stairs. Cal was running down the stairs in pursuit, trying to shoot at Jack for stealing his fiancée, and as he passed he slipped on the head of the cherub statue he had shot off just seconds before.

"Cal, what are you thinking? You've lost it! Stop!" I ran to his side as he was getting up and pulled him back, fuming with both fear and anger, trying to get him to stop, but he fought me, turning to me and putting the gun against my cheek and his elbow of my shoulder, and pushed me off of him to the floor, before continuing down the stairs after Jack and Rose. I remained on the floor for a couple second, my body quaking from head to toe. My heart was in my throat, and I was traumatized; Cal had put the gun in my face…what if he had shot me. Before I knew it, Lovejoy pulled me off the floor, and I quickly continued pursuit of Cal, though Lovejoy tried to stop me. I screamed after Cal, tripping over steps in the process, shrieking after every shot as they missed Jack and Rose by mere inches. Finally Jack and Rose ran though the flooded dining room and Cal ran out of bullets.

"Argh!" he shouted in anger, "I hope you enjoy your time together!" he called after Jack and Rose. I stood half way down the stairs, watching Cal in fury. Cal was at the bottom, when he realized he was surround by shin-high water, and made his was back up a few steps. I watched him in anger unable to find a word strong enough to curse him with, as he began to chuckle.

"What could possibly be funny?" Lovejoy asked as he walked down the steps to my side. I remained fixed on Cal with my teeth clenched, my fists curled, and breathing hard.

"I put the diamond in the coat…And I put the coat on her!" Cal yelled in disbelief at his own stupidity. He still clutched the gun in his right hand, as he covered his mouth with the back of the same hand. I couldn't believe he had the nerve to act the way he was, especially in my presence.

"So, what are you trying to say Cal? That Rose isn't good enough for your precious jewel!" I yelled continuing down the stairs to face him, my face red, and proceeded to push him. "Is that all you damn well care about? Do you realize you could have killed Rose! You bastard!" I yelled, pushing him again with even more force, as he tried to defend himself. "Do you realize you stuck that gun in my face, huh? Let go of the blasted gun, you bastard!" I shouted again, ripping the gun from his hand, and throwing into the rising water, and slapped him across the shoulder. "I can't believe you had the nerve! You have no regard for anyone but your damn self! Everything is about Caledon Hockley! I hate you!" I yelled, tears now spilling from my eyes, as I kept slapping and shoving him, and repeating how much I loathed him at that moment.

"Stop slapping me!" Cal yelled back in such a furious tone, grabbing my arms and shaking me vigorously, his eyes piercing me like a knife. This knocked my out of my outburst and back to my senses. I watched him with a stunned expression, then again burst into tears, because I was loosing my mind. The fear of the situation was driving me mad, all sorts of thoughts were running through my head; Kyle, Rose, Mother, my dream…I thought I was going to die. Cal's glare became a soft stare, and he cupped my face in his hands and wiped the tears from my face with his thumbs. "I'm sorry, Lilly," he said pulling me into a hug, but I pushed him off.

"Do you really think _'I'm sorry'_ helps? I don't know what's doing to happen to anyone I care about. By the end of the night, I may not even have a family anymore. I don't know where Kyle is, or his family, if they got onto a boat, or if they're safe! I don't even know what's going to happen to me! I don't know if—if I'm going to even live to see daylight. I may never see my sister again, damn it! I don't know if I can even trust you anymore. You already almost killed my sister! And kno—knowing you, you would probably abandon me if it means your—your own survival!"

"We've got to get out of here now if we want to get off the ship," Lovejoy interrupted behind us. I grabbed my head, as it began to pound at the temples.

"I'm losing my mind! I have heard so many gunshots in one night, I—"

"Lilly, calm down! Look at me. We need to get out of here."

"We? Since when do you look out for me, since when do you care for anyone but yourself?"

"I have always cared about you; you're close like my own family. You can trust me, Lilly. I can't allow your mother to end up without any daughters left, and I can't face that myself. I need you to trust me. Please, I will get us out of here, I promise you." I watched him closely, scanning his eyes, as he continued to stroke my cheeks with his thumbs, and stare me in the eye. He was being honest to me, for once, so I gave him a nod and looked to the floor. The water had risen significantly, to the step that Cal was on, already above the heel of his shoe, and I could feel the slant of the ship increasing as it continued to sink. I gasped, and grabbed Cal's jacket arm and he looked down to realize what I had gasped at.

"Let's go!" said Cal, steering me around, holding my arm and then led me up the stairs, both of us looking back at the water. We had no time left to fight each other anymore, with the ship going down. I couldn't go back after Rose, she and Jack were on their own now, and Cal and I were on our own. I had no choice but to trust him.

As we entered the throng, tension rose. I could feel Cal also beginning to fear for his life. His grip of my hand was getting stronger, beginning to hurt slightly, but I couldn't think about that, we had to look for a boat, but they all seemed to be gone.

"Lilly, do not let go of my hand, you hear me? I'm not going to lose you in this mess. Stay close to me!" yelled Cal over the clamour of the people, and I nodded to him, terror evident in my wide eyes and ashen face. As we scampered back and forth, bumping in to people every few seconds, looking for any available boat, we lost sight of Mr Lovejoy in the crowd, and couldn't find him again after that. I kept my eyes out for Kyle or any member of his family, but I saw no one. Hysteria rose quickly and soon Cal and I were running for our lives, losing hope until finally we ran through a door, to find people running to a boat to our left. Someone banged into Cal and we were swung around.

"Cal, there's a boat here!" Cal tried to see over the crowd, then ran to the side and climbed onto the staircase banister to see over the crowd. I didn't know what he was looking for, but I heard a child crying for her mother and looked down to find a girl, no more than five years old, from third class, no doubt, and immediately I got a motherly instinct. I went to pick her up but Cal grabbed my hand and pulled me into the rioting people.

"Cal, we can't leave her here! She's only a child!" I said pulling back, as Cal pulled me forward to the front. Once we got there, I saw Mr Murdoch, the ship's first officer threatening to shoot people in the crowd if they didn't stay back and keep order. This was the third time for the night that I had seen a gun, proving more and more how deranged everyone had become.

"Stay back!" he shouted with the gun pointing at our faces. My eyes shot from the gun to his face, back and forth in terror.

"Will you give us a chance to live, you blimey bastard!" yelled the person to my right, and when I looked it was Tommy, and there next to him was Fabrizio.

"I'll shoot any man who tries to get past me. Get back!" Just then, Cal stepped forward to Mr Murdoch, and I tried to pull him back.

"We had a deal, damn you!" he said furiously into Murdoch's ear, then Murdoch pulled out a stack of money from him pocket and threw it in Cal's face. I realized that Cal had been running back and forth to look for Murdoch.

"Your money can't save you any more than it can save me." My mouth dropped in amazement, as Murdoch pushed him back, "Get back!"

"Oh my, Cal, you paid him off? You are such an idiot!"

Just then, in the corner of my eye I saw a man jump from the back of the crowd, to the rope which held the boat, and heard as Mr Murdoch shot at him. The shot was so close to Cal, and I screamed pulling Cal by the front of his jacket away from its path. I wasn't sure if the man was shot, but before I knew it, another jump on the other side of me, pushing Tommy forward, and _bang!_ I screamed when I realized that it was Tommy who was shot, and Fabrizio dropped down beside him to see if he was still alive, but he wasn't.

"Bastard!" yelled Fabrizio at Murdoch. Blood started to stream across the slanted floor from Tommy toward Murdoch, and he stepped back realizing that he had just killed a man. I watched Murdoch in fear, for when I had met him earlier that day, he seemed like a wonderful man, but now he seemed the opposite. He looked at me, at Cal, at another officer, then raise his hand to salute him and put the gun to his own head.

"No Will!" shouted the other officer, but there was nothing he could do; Mr Murdoch shot himself in the head, sending a spray of blood out the other end and falling back into the water. I lost me breath, stunned and stepped backward as it happened. The shock and terror made me lose my strength, and fell to the floor, crying. I just witnessed two men die, two of which I had only spoken to a few hours prior. The events of the night were driving me mad, I couldn't take it anymore. I covered my ears and began to scream, curled on the ground, but someone I didn't know picked me up, and Cal covered my mouth.

"Calm down, Lilly, keep it together," he told me, "I'm coming back so stay here. If, I'm not back in time, get on the boat; don't wait for me." said Cal, making his way back though the crowd, and I didn't know why.

"Cal, where are you going? Cal, you can't leave me here! You said you wouldn't leave me! Cal!" I called after him, but the people wouldn't let me through to go after him, and within moments someone took me by the arm and pulled me backward.

"Miss, you must get on the boat. Come now, go on."

"No, I can't go without—"

"On you go, ma'am, watch your step." I tried to fight him off, but he was to powerful for me, and I was forced to sit down. I watched the crowd to see if Cal was coming back, and after a few more people were helped onto the boat, I saw Cal come through with the little girl in his arms. He was stopped by the officer but managed to lie his way passed. I saw the sly look on his face and he jumped into the boat and took a seat next to me. I looked at him in disgust as someone passed the girl to him. I couldn't believe that now that his little arrangement was cancelled, he would use an innocent little girl to save his own life; he wouldn't do it before, so why should he now? I just shook my head and looked away from him; at least he saved her life.

Within a minute or so, water began to spill over the bridge of the ship, and among the rioting crowd who were all trying to get into the boat. I heard the officer in charge of our boat yell to others that there was no time and that they should cut the ropes to free the boat, and I began to panic, as people began climbing into the boat, swamping us, while other were helping to cut the ropes, and I started out of my seat, but Cal sat me back down.

Just then, I felt the boat begin to lift due to the rushing water, and I watched as men and women were swept into the open water away from the boat, screaming for help and for their lives. Cal passed the girl to the woman on his opposite side and got up to help keep the boat from being swamped, but it was hopeless. The water caused the boat to tilts to the side, and just as quickly it began to pour into the boat. I almost fell out but just in time I managed to grab onto the opposite edge of the boat.

"Grab hold of my hand!" I yelled to the woman Cal had passed the girl to, so that she and the girl wouldn't fall out of the boat, as so many others had. Fabrizio was cutting one of the last ropes and I leaned forward to grab onto his hand to pull him into the boat but I was too slow. The water pouring in sucked him under and away from the boat, and I screamed out his name, leaning over with my hands in the water trying my best to try and find him, but he was gone.

The boat final levelled, but we had a lot of water in it, so we were almost under water, and while I pulled other people into the boat, Cal was pushing people out.

"You'll swamp us!" he yelled.

"Cal, get them into the boat! Save as many as you can, damn it! Of course they'll swamp us if you don't help them! We have plenty of room for more!"

Finally we were free from the ropes and began to drift away from the ship. As we drifted I told others in the boat to help people in the water into the boat. As we drifted away I could see the ship sinking even faster and chaos grew triple what it was before as people realized they had no more boats and no way out. Screams became louder as the tilt of the ship became more and more steep, and people scampered as fast as they could to the highest point. Never in my life had I seen such a disaster unfold before my eyes.

Suddenly I began to hear a noise sounding like the creaking of metal coming from the funnel, and I looked up from my spot at the edge of the boat to see the cords holding up funnel snap one by one, whacking the water around us. Moments later I saw the entire funnel falling forward into the water, Cal too looked around at it, stopping in his attempt to throw people off the boat.

"Oh my Gosh!" I yelled in terror, thinking of all the people who were right in its path as it came crashing down into the water, sending an enormous wave in our direction. Cal looked around at me just as the wave hit the boat, knocking us sideways on my side, I was flung backward into the water. The last thing I saw before I fell in was Cal try to reach for me, but he was too late. I was being sucked under, and I hadn't taken enough of a breath before I fell in. The water was freezing around me and it was hard to keep my eyes open under it. Evidently, other people had fallen out of the boat as well, and I could hear their muffled screams around me as I attempted to get back to the surface, but before I could make it, I felt hands pulling at me, and pushing me back under. I began to panic, as this was exactly how it looked in my dream and soon the light was fading. I felt like I was suffocating and thought I was going to die, and stretched my hands out above me, to realize that I had been pushed beneath the boat. My mind was racing with fear as I was beginning to feel pressure on my lungs, but I attempted to remain calm, as I felt my way back to the surface, and finally took a gulp of air, as I clutched the edge of the boat.

"Cal!" I screamed out, gasping for air, my eyes still closed. "Cal, help me!" and then I felt a hand grab onto my outstretched arms, and drag me with some difficulty back into the boat, and sure enough it was Cal. I lay back in his lap for a few seconds gasping for air and moving the hair that was stuck to my wet face, before I realized I had to get back to work.

As we continued to drift and row away from Titanic, I realized just how much more anarchic it had become for those who remained on the ship. People were jumping from the ship at all heights to try to save themselves not realizing that this way they would die faster. The screaming grew as the stern rose right out of the water, and a number of people began to slide down along the floor into the water; that number increasing as the stern rose further and further. We got a better view of what was occurring as we rowed further and further way. I saw people dropping like flies from the back on the ship more and more, then suddenly, we saw a flicker of the lights and the power onboard failed; all the lights went out, making it even more frightening. I could only imagine what everyone remaining on board was feeling, and prayed to God that neither Rose or Kyle were there.

Sitting there, helpless in the boat, I again began to cry as I watched, hearing other's around me crying, and all the terrified screams of those innocent people scrambling for dear life. We had all been deceived into thinking that this ship was so grand, so strong, and of course, unsinkable, and now, here all of us were, paying the price with our own lives, for the company's lie.

My angry train of thought was broken, in an instant, by a loud _crack_, as though breaking a stick in half, only louder, and with a rumble.

"What is that?" I asked Cal, taking hold of his arm in fear.

"I don't know," he replied in the same tone. But within another second our question was answered as we saw the ship begin to split in two, the cracking becoming even louder, and small explosions and flashes of light came from it, debris flew everywhere, and the stern of the ship came splashing back down into the water, sending another monstrous wave at other nearby boats.

"Oh my God!" I screamed in horror, rising from my seat along with others. I covered my mouth, and sat back down as my legs gave way. I grabbed onto Cal once more, and he put his arm around me, and I cried into his shoulder. This couldn't be happening. It was worse than my dream. I had no idea than an iceberg could cause this much damage, or take so many innocent lives. I was living the worst nightmare anyone could have, and though I hadn't lost my mind as I thought I was, this would definitely leave a permanent scar in my life. It would forever affect my being. It would definitely make me more appreciative of my life and the people in it. I was fearing that my sister and the love of my life, the only people in the world that meant so much to me, were dead. What if they had? I would lose my mind upon finding out.

As I looked back up, the stern, which was still attached to the rest of the ship, began to rise again as it had before, as the front of the ship flooded and went under. Soon enough, the stern was standing vertically. I thought it would capsize, but it surprisingly didn't. Instead, it continued standing vertical for the next couple of minutes. Then, finally, Titanic began its final journey to the bottom of the Atlantic. It descended faster and faster into the inky black water, blowing out windows as the pressure became stronger and stronger. I was surprised that there remained people on the back of the ship even as it said its final farewell to the surface.

The suction of Titanic sucked our boat back a bit, as we struggled to row ourselves away, but it soon reduced. The scene of the disaster sounded and looked like a field of war; debris was scattered everywhere. There was pandemonium as thousands of people were left in the water, screaming for help. All were screaming, men and women, and children. It was painful to watch, but if we went back for them, they would swamp us, and we would all die with them. I know it was a terrible thought, but what could we do?

Three boats not far off from us came together once the suction was no longer affecting us, and seemed to be transferring their survivors into two boats. They were preparing to return to those stranded in the water, but they took so long. The scene was growing quieter and quieter, which meant that people were dying quickly. How could they survive? The water was freezing cold. I could see my own breath in front of me as I breathed, sobbing as Cal kept comforting me.

Eventually, after about an hour, or perhaps two, the waters were silent, and we continued to row away. My sobbing had stopped and Cal had let me go, but I remained in a state. I stared up at the star-filled sky. To me there were more stars in the sky than I had ever seen before, and I wondered if the souls of those who had died tonight had each become their own star. There appeared to be light cloud hovering low in the sky, which hadn't been before, and I supposed it was the souls flying to meet their Maker.

"Cal, look. Do you think Rose is there?" I asked, pointing at the cloud. Cal, glanced back at me thinking that I must have been delusional, but instead of answering just put an arm around me and pulled me into a hug, and kissed me on the forehead. I hadn't gone crazy, but I definitely wasn't fully aware, and Cal understood that. My arms curled under his arms and my hands hooked onto his shoulders, and I began to cry into his chest. My fears of Rose and Kyle wouldn't leave my mind for even a second, and my heart felt heavy with worry. I kept thinking the worst, optimism was impossible. I was surprised I had tears left to cry; I had cried so much that night…that night that lasted a lifetime. I eventually fell asleep on Cal's shoulder, and was complete unconscious for another few hours.

**Author's Note-- Sorry I took soooo long to type this chapter. The Christmas season was super busy for me, and I was also sort of tired and lazy, so I didn't start on the chapter till about 4 days ago. I was supposed to post it yesterday, but my brother came back home from Canada for a week, and took over the computer. So now that he's fast asleep, I am taking my chance to post it. I hope you enjoy it. I tried my best to make it as feelingful (if that's even a work) as possible, and I hope I have finally managed. I will hopefully have the next chapter up soon, but I must warn you, there will be another long wait for another chapter. I'm going to Argentina with my parents for 10 days on the 12th, so you won't see another chapter after the next on for 2 weeks. But don't worry, I'm not gonna stop thinking about my story, I'm gonna take that time to think up some good ideas, and write them down. ;D**


	8. Chapter 8

Lilly's Memoir

Chapter 8— The Carpathia

I was woken up by the fresh salty smell of the surrounding ocean, splashing against the sides of our boat. The glare of the morning was so intense that I had to squint, and there reflected a smeared mixture of baby blue and pink in the sky and amongst the cotton clouds. It was gorgeous, like a painting.

I groaned into Cal's shoulder, stretched, and looked up at him. He had dark circles beneath his eyes, so it appeared he had been up all night. He glanced down at me, and gave me a small smile.

"Good morning," he said.

"Same to you. What time is it?"

He glanced up toward the sun to determine an approximate hour; he had lost his watch in the confusion of the previous night. "It's about 6:30. You slept like a baby, not a single movement."

"And, you were up all night."

"I was holding the child. She's awake now. I think you should take her, and let the other woman get some sleep." I agreed to it, not minding holding the little girl. I didn't know what would happen to her now, if her mother had not survived. I would gladly have adopted her had I been of age, but, of course, that wasn't an option, and I doubted Cal would want to take on that responsibility.

Just as I sat the girl in my lap, I looked up at my surroundings. Of course, we were surrounded by ocean, and the other 19 boats rowing toward the steamer that had come to our rescue, the Carpathia, but the most striking part of the scene, were the many, many, enormous icebergs all around us. I realized that it wasn't just out of bad luck that we had collided with the iceberg, because, they were everywhere. We were bound to either collide with one, or dodge them continuously throughout the night.

I cuddled the girl to keep her warm, and she appreciatively hugged me around my waist. I supposed that I should have at least find out her name and a little bit about her, so that it might be possible to find a family member somewhere in New York or somewhere around the country, and so, I began to talk to her.

"So what is your name, dear?"

"Miriam Barton."

"That's a pretty name, especially for a pretty girl like yourself." I said, playfully pinching her chin, trying to get her to warm up to me. "How old are you?"

"Five and a half," she said, putting up one of her hands with her tiny, stubby fingers outstretched.

"Oh, you're a big girl! When are you going to be six?"

"October."

"My birthday is in October also. Mine's October 6th."

"Mine too!" she exclaimed, immediately warmed up to me when she found out that we shared the same birthday. From that moment, she talked non stop about where she lived, her parents, and that she going to visit her aunt in Georgia. She was obviously repeating everything her mother had explained to her, but she was very sweet. Cal was listening in to our conversation, and finally glanced over at me with his eyebrows raised.

"You're good with children," he complimented. I smiled at him, and replied that I loved children. "You'll make a good mother."

I wasn't sure what he was aiming at by saying that, because he had an unusual sparkle in his eyes, but I took it as a compliment none the less. I sure hoped that I would be a good mother. I preferred the humble Cal so much more, like how he was now, rather than his usual sly manner. He had the potential of being a wonderful man, but he always made himself seem bigger and better than everyone else. I didn't know what he was trying to prove, especially to me; if there was anyone who truly knew him, it was me, although sometimes I felt that he was hiding something.

Approximately twenty minutes later, we arrived at the Carpathia. Cal, being the gentleman he sometimes was, got out before I did, onto the quite unstable plank of wood, in order to help Miriam and myself out of the boat. Upon stepping onto the Carpathia, a steward guided us to where the First Class passengers were settled. Cal kept a firm grip of my hand, as it was quite crowded and everyone was unsettled. Women were grieving over their deceased husbands.

I found Mother inside, sitting in a corner on the chair, being comforted by Molly Brown. When Mother got a glance of us, she immediately sprung up from her seat and bolted over to us. It was the first time that I could remember her showing such affection; she was hugging me and kissing my cheeks, smudging her tears all over my face, then she did the same to Cal. She suddenly realized Miriam, who was still clutching my hand.

"Who is this?" Mother asked in bewilderment and mild disgust.

"Her name is Miriam. When Cal and I were about to get onto a boat, I saw her abandoned and I couldn't leave her alone. I've made her my full responsibility until I find her mother…if she has even made it."

"Oh…" said Mother, backing away and examining Miriam uncertainly, but just as quickly, her gaze snapped back to me. "Rose… Where is she? Where is your sister?"

Cal and I glanced at Mother for a moment or two, uncertain what we should tell her, but I wasn't going to let Mother know that Cal had almost killed her. "We don't know. It was too crowded and too chaotic for us to find her." Mother almost lost balance as she began to cry. We sat her back down next to Molly, who hugged us both. I tried to convince her that there was a chance that she had survived but that proved to be useless, and I eventually gave up.There were no more seats left inside, so Cal, Miriam and I went back outside on First Class deck, and found ourselves two unoccupied seats.

Cal and I didn't speak much as we sat there; we were caught in our own thoughts. We were served and small meal which we accepted with gratitude; I shared mine with Miriam, who had grown very much attached to me. My mind was firmly glued to Rose and Kyle, though; I had to find them, no matter how long it took. But first I had to find Miriam's mother, and by 11 o'clock Miriam was sure to remind me.

"Lilly, where is my mommy?" she asked me as she tugged my sleeve.

"I don't know, dear. Shall we go and look for her?" Miriam nodded to me and jumped off my lap, took hold of my hand and began to drag me along. Cal quickly grabbed my other hand before I could get away.

"Would you like me to join you?"

"No, I'll be fine. If I return with her, you know what that means." And with that, I left Cal. I searched each deck with Miriam clutching my hand, not catching a single glimpse of anyone who Miriam even recognized. We searched through the steerage deck and she still hadn't spotted her mother, nor had her mother spotted her. My heart began to sink with sadness as the thought of Miriam in a filthy orphanage crept into my mind. I didn't know how I would tell Miriam that her mother hadn't survived the disaster, or if she would even understand me. There were countless people searching for loved ones as well, all of whom were losing hope. Soon I spotted one of Carpathia's officers and stepped up to him to ask if he had recorded her mother's name on his list.

"Excuse me, sir. Can you please check to see if you have a woman by the name Barton on your list? I must find this little girl's mother."

"Hmmm, well dear, I have a few Bartons on my list, perhaps a first name would help."

"Oh…Miriam, what is your mommy's first name? Do you know?"

"Hannah Barton."

"Hannah Barton…is that on your list? Please tell me yes." The man could see the pain in my eyes, and quickly scanned backwards through his list of names. And after about a minute or so, a hopeful smile came over his face.

"Miss, I believe I have found the woman you are looking for. She is near the top of my list, which means she is somewhere on the far end. Over there, hopefully." My eyes went wide, and my spirit immediately lifted.

"Thank you, sir! God bless you."

"My pleasure dear," he smiled back to me. He was young and handsome, and was clearly attracted to me; his smile and wink gave it away. I blushed slightly smiling back at him, for he was charming, as I steered Miriam in the direction he had indicated to me.

As we scanned the crowd of people sitting on benches, chairs and on the floor, I was praying that her mother hadn't moved anywhere, but finally, before I knew it, Miriam called out.

"Mommy!" she shouted, letting go of my hand and running into her mother's outstretched arms. Her mother had obviously been looking for her, because her face was tear stained, and she showed love unlike I had seen from my mother until a few hours prior. I slowly walked over to them, still out of earshot, I saw Miriam point in my direction. Her mother stood once more and watched me as I walked closer.

"This is Lilly, Mommy."

"Hello. Yes, I'm Lilly DeWitt Bukator." I said, shaking Hannah Barton's hand.

"Thank you so much for looking after her. You really didn't have to take her, though; I had told her to stay there. I was coming back to get her, but when I came back I found she was gone, and I instantly began to panic."

"Oh, I'm so sorry Ma'am, I didn't mean to frighten you that way. I—"

"Oh no dear, I understand. I would have done the same in your position, had I seen a child confused and in tears. So all I can do is thank you for bringing her to safety. To be honest, I wouldn't have expected this of anyone in First Class. I'm just so happy that she was safe," she said, squeezing my hand while tears streamed down her cheeks.

After about 15 minutes of being thanked, I made my way back to the First Class deck, where I found Cal leaning against the railing, looking rather down. I silently walked up to him, and placed my hand on his arm.

"What's wrong?" he remained silent for a moment, still looking out at the open waters.

"Nothing…I see you found her mother."

"Yes I did. She had been looking for her daughter too. Quite a nice woman." Cal simply grunted in response, still gazing off into the ocean. He hadn't heard a word I said, and I knew his mind was fixed on Rose. I hooked my hand around his arm and place my head on his shoulder to comfort him. He looked down at me, gazing into my eyes, then pulled is arm free of mine and placed it around my shoulders. It was good to be on the same side for once, to be feeling each other's pain and to be there for each other. We continued glancing out to sea for probably another ten minutes without speaking, just comforting each other, until Cal finally made up his mind to finally go looking or Rose.

"We should go and find her," he said, still staring out to sea. "I've put a lot of thought into everything that happened, and I don't think I can let her go. I can't let him have her; not this easily."

His eyes finally broke from the ocean to mine, and his hand moved from my shoulder to my hand, his fingers becoming entwined with mine, which gave me a somewhat uneasy feeling, but I let it pass as he led me through the crowds of people.

We search three or four times among the First Class survivors, not spotting her, so we continued amongst the Second Class survivors. I kept my eyes opened for any of the Carpenters, but found none of them. My heart began to race; did this mean that they all perished? Rose wasn't among them either, which worried me even more.

Finally, after an approximate hour of searching Cal and I finally made it down to the steerage deck. A steward tried to convince us that we wouldn't find any of our own there, but didn't press the matter when we ignored him.

Cal kept a firm grip of my hand, his grip increasing in tightness as he lost more hope. I was also beginning to lose hope, until, by chance, I spotted her, sitting in a chair, with a blanket covering her wave of red hair. My eyes kept fixed on her, unsure if it was really her, or if it was just my imagination. As we walked around to her other side, she turned her head to face me, and I caught her eye. A half smile developed on my face, but before I could alert Cal, Rose shook her head at me with a pleading expression on her face, and quickly turned her back the other way. Cal had turned back around to walk back when she had turned, and I realized that she didn't want Cal to know that she had in fact survived. It was a hard decision to make, because I was caught between feeling badly for Cal, and wanting Rose to be happy. I chose not to say anything, leading Cal away from Rose, and acting as though she was dead.

Eventually Cal and I returned to the First Class deck, where we had to deliver the painful news to Mother. Mother's reaction was like any mother who had just lost a child; she immediately broke down, bawling uncontrollably, and falling to the floor. Of course, I crouched down to comfort her in the best way I could, but seeing her this way caused me to burst into tears as well. It hurt to watch her paining this way, when in reality, her first child was really alive and well, but the only way to ensure Rose's happiness was to lie to Mother as well as to cal, and play along. After a while I couldn't stand to watch her bawling any long, and I rushed back outside, and hung over the railing, crying, feeling that I was going to vomit; I felt so awful. It took a while for me to calm myself down, and convince myself that I had done the right thing, though I remained somewhat unsure, but once I had, I took one of the remaining seats on deck.

Finally, while I was staring off into space, Cal came outside, clearly distressed, and sat on the floor next to me when he realized there were no chairs. He tried to hide his grief, but it was evident all over his face, and in the way that his knees were propped up, and his arms rested on them; it was almost as though posture and composure no longer mattered to him. He said nothing…just stared out at absolutely nothing; he was completely unfocused. Within a few minutes though, his hands covered his face as he tried to hold back his tears. It was harder to watch Cal breaking down that to watch Mother, because I had never seen his this way before…ever.

I instantly rose from my seat and pushed it aside, crouching down next to Cal, pulling him into a hug. His entire weight was pushed onto me as he clutched to my tightly, his fingers digging into my back, as he cried violently into my bosom. He was handling Rose's supposed death a lot differently than I had expected, but now I knew for a fact that he had really loved Rose, and that he had a weakness toward his loved ones, especially having been rejected by his own fiancée. I continued to have mixed feelings about the whole situation. Watching Cal and Mother suffering over a fake death was causing me to regret having not told them the truth, but on the other hand, I couldn't betray my sister; I couldn't bear to watch her drown in her own unhappiness for the rest of her life.

"Shh, it'll be alright, Cal, really. She's in a better place," I tried to convince him, while running my fingers through his hair. Moments later, he finally looked up at me, his eyes bloodshot and his face slightly puffy.

"Lilly, you won't leave me the way Rose has, will you?" he said, placing his hand on my cheek. I watched him in confusion, not knowing what to answer. He was losing his mind. He continued staring me in he eyes with tears in his, waiting for an answer, until he realized that I wouldn't respond. "Lilly, you must promise me you won't leave me. I can't be abandoned that way again. Promise me, Lilly, please." Tears formed in my eyes as he pleaded with me, clutching to my sleeve tightly, and I didn't know how else to make him feel better but to give him the answer he wanted.

"I won't…I promise," I replied, keeping my eyes fixed on his, still confused. Cal had truly lost his mind. Rose had meant so much more to him than I ever thought, and it wasn't only her death affecting him, but the fact that she had rejected him after all he had done for her, after all he had given her, for someone who couldn't offer her anything. I ran my hand through his soft, chocolate brown hair, when he seemed to accept my answer, but instead of simply hugging me he did the unexpected. Instead he pulled my face to his and pressed his lips against mine. I was in such shock that it took me a moment to even react, but even when I tried to pull away, he only leaned in further. As much as I didn't want him to kiss me, I had to admit to myself that his lips were warm and soft, and his tongue just the same; he definitely proved to be a great kisser. Finally he pulled away from me and I watched him in shock, and covered my mouth with my hand.

Finally Cal broke he stare and went back to hugging me, burying his head into my bosom. I rested my chin on his head, and hugging him more tightly. My state of shock refused to disappear. The kiss couldn't have lasted less than six seconds. Cal couldn't possibly be serious about me never abandoning him; I had my own life to live. Everything he said, including the kiss, must have been him simply in despair and in need of comfort; nothing to be afraid of or worry about…or could it? He couldn't be in his right mind…he'd never kissed Rose like that, and he loved her, so why should it be different for me? Though my mind was racing with confusion, suspicion and doubt, I eventually convinced myself to let it pass as a one time experience; I doubted he would do so again, once he got over the worst of his pain…

The following day, I went out in search of Kyle. I wasn't going to give up yet; we weren't arriving in New York for another couple of days. Someone in his family must have survived, at least Mrs Carpenter. I strolled among the Second Class passengers, watching each of them as I passed. Some were dealing with their own pains; others were rejoicing that they and their families had made it out alive. I came across the mother and two daughters I had seen being separated from their husband and father; they were grieving, so it was clear to me that he hadn't made it.

I pushed my way though the crowd with my face solemn, squinting in the glare of the afternoon sun, thinking that I wasn't going to find any of them, and that my mother had gotten her wish; that I wouldn't' get married to 'that boy', whom I preferred to refer to as Kyle. But finally, through the crowd, I heard the sobbing voice of Mrs Carpenter, who soon came into view. I began to smile, but it quickly faded as her sobbing grew louder and her face came into better view.

"Mrs Carpenter!...Mrs Carpenter!" I called to her. She looked up when she heard my voice, and her sobbing grew even stronger. I rushed up to her and hugged her, and she kissed my cheek.

"Oh, Lilly! I'm so happy you are safe, I'm so happy. Thank the Lord!"

"I'm so glad to see you. I've been looking for you since yesterday…Why are you crying? What happened? Where are Kyle and Mr Carpenter?" I asked, watching her thick face, as she began to shake her head. My worst fear seemed to be coming true; Kyle was gone. "Mrs Carpenter…Where are they?"

"I—I don't know! I can't find them. I've been looking everywhere. They wouldn't allow Kyle into the boat although he is still a young boy! Oh God!" By now she was bawling, and I had to sit her down.

"But you can't be so sure. They must be somewhere around. They must be!" I said, beginning to cry nearly as much as she was.

"I don't know where else to look, Lilly. I don't know!"

"Listen, Mrs Carpenter, I'm going to go look for them. I'm sure they've survived, they must have. Hang in there, I'll be back."

I felt bad for leaving Mrs Carpenter alone, with no one to comfort her, but I couldn't give up. Kyle had to be alive. He couldn't leave me like this, he couldn't let my mother win the final battle, not after we'd just promised each other that we would be together forever. I circled twice through Second Class, and finally made my way down to steerage again. I was beginning to think that maybe Mrs Carpenter was right, maybe both father and son had in fact died, but I kept convincing myself that it couldn't be possible. Despite my doubts, I continued to search. Searching, searching, but not a face was familiar, until I heard someone calling my name from behind me. I turned around to try and find the soul that the voice was coming from, because it sounded so familiar, and through the many heads, I finally saw who it was.

"Kyle!" I screamed, instantly bursting into tears and making my way as quickly as I could to him, as he did the same. Finally we reached each other, and I jumped on him, wrapping my legs around his waist, and kissing him, again and again and again. "Oh God! Kyle, I thought I would never see you again!"

"I almost didn't get off. They wouldn't let me into a boat," he said, sobbing into my ear. He put me down and held onto my face, examining me for any injuries, just as I was doing the same. I noticed he had a gash above his eye, which was still bleeding, though not much. "You're alright, thank God." He said, hugging me once more.

"Where's your father, Kyle? I have to find him too. Your mother thinks that both of you are gone." Kyle watched me sorrowfully for a moment before shaking his head. My eyebrows screwed in confusion; he couldn't be telling me that his father hadn't made it. "Kyle, where is he?"

"He didn't get into a boat! He said that I couldn't go yet. I had to survive. He sacrificed himself for me!" he was now hysterical, and I could feel his weight dropping on me, as he lost his strength. We fell to the floor, and I tried to comfort him, though it was useless, since I too was crying.

Finally after a quarter hour, Kyle had found the strength to calm himself though I could still feel his pain. I kissed him several more times, before he asked where his mother was, and I led him to her. Upon seeing him and hearing the news of the death of her husband, she got hysterical, but all of us, in the end admitted that Mr Carpenter had done a noble thing. He knew that he wasn't likely to survive, but his son could. Kyle would now have to take over his father's company, and take care of his mother; become the man in the family. I spent the rest of my day with Kyle and his mother, telling them the truth about Rose and why I had to lie, until Cal came looking for me.

"Where have you been all this time?" Cal scolded, pulling me along by the arm. "Your mother has been worried sick about you."

"I'm sure she has. I was with Kyle and his mother. Mr Carpenter didn't make it, so I was just being there for them."

"You should be ashamed of yourself, Lilly."

"Why! What is wrong about comforting people in their time of need?"

"Why? Because your mother just lost a daughter, and you weren't there for her for more than ten minutes! You hardly shed a tear for Rose!" he yelled, spinning me around to face him, and grabbing me on either arm. "The only person you seem to care about right now is that damn, average classed scum you think is a proper suitor!" My mouth dropped at his comment, completely outraged that he could say such a thing, and I pulled myself free of him.

"How dare you call Kyle a scum! Yes he's an average man in society, but that doesn't make him any less than your kind!" I said storming off.

"My kind! What do you mean by 'my kind'?"

"Yes 'your kind'! All of you think the same way: Money equals love, money makes a gentleman, money this, money that, money, money, money, everything is money to you! And just so you know Cal, I have shed all the tears I could possibly shed for my sister, and I happen to be dealing with her death in my own way! The reason I didn't stay at Mother's side was because it was too hard for me to handle. I'm trying my best to deal with this, and just because I'm not reacting the way my mother is, doesn't mean I'm not grieving! Rose was my best friend, damn it!"

Cal had nothing else to tell me after that, as he'd realized he'd been utterly out of place to suggest that I didn't care about Rose. It's true, I hadn't shed many tears for her 'death', but that was because I knew she wasn't dead, and all I could do was just act like it, but I'm afraid that developing fake tears isn't easy for everyone. But I did care about Rose, with all my heart, and I truly was going to miss her, and most of the emotion I felt was based on the fact that I wouldn't see her again, or at least not often, and the fact I had to lie about it. We walked back to mother in silence, though the tension was still there.

I spent the rest of the night, and most of the following day with Mother. We didn't speak much; we weren't close enough to have long conversations. Cal never apologized for confronting me so wrongfully the day before, and I wasn't expecting him to, but the tension had disappeared. Ever since the sinking, he had been somewhat soft with me, less argumentative, and more like a friend. We were talking more than my mother and I were, which was actually helping both of us to get over our grief. Cal really wasn't as bad as he seemed, and I liked it when he revealed his better side, but I was always ready to snap at him if he stepped out of line. Later that evening, I decided to go and find Rose once more, just to speak to her, considering I hadn't since everything happened.

"I'm going for a walk," I said to Cal as I rose from my spot on the floor, "I need some fresh air." The atmosphere on the Carpathia was slowly getting lighter, as people came to grips with reality, though it was still sort of blue, but I didn't allow that to bring me down. As I strolled along to the steerage deck, I took in the cool, spring breeze. It smelt fresh, and the sun energized me, making me high. I eventually found Rose, noticing for the first time that she was alone, which sort of dampened my good mood…after all that happened, Jack couldn't be dead.

"Rose." I said tapping her on the shoulder.

"Lilly, oh my goodness! Thank goodness you're alright. I really didn't think that leaving you with Cal would be a good idea, knowing the two of you are at odds."

"No, I'm fine. He's cares about me to a point, I suppose, no matter how much we fight. I'm just glad you're alright."

"So, how are Mother and Cal holding up?"

"Well, Mother remains in a state of mourning, but that is understandable, and well, Cal is holding up fine. He did have his moment though. You really hurt him, you know, by rejecting him. But I understand where you're coming from, though it's going to be hard living in a house without you, and having to lie about your survival any time your name comes up. Cal has already confronted me for not shedding as many tears for you as Mother, and spending so much time thinking about Kyle."

"Is he alright?"

"Kyle's fine, his mother's fine. His father didn't make it though, unfortunately. He was such a nice man. He really had an attachment to me." We remained silent for a moment, in which time I was think up the best way to ask about Jack. "So…umm, I really don't know how to ask you this, but where's, umm—"

"Jack didn't make it."

"Oh Rose!" I said, giving her a hug. I knew how much she wanted to be with him.

"No, it's alright, don't feel sorry for me. He gave his life for mine, and I'm thankful. He made my promise him that I would survive no matter what. He wanted me to live on."

"Wait, do you mean to tell me that you never got off Titanic?"

"Yes, actually. We stayed on until the very end. We were the last ones to get into the water," she said. My eye must have exploded with amazement; I remembered think that those people must have been mad to stay on that long. Rose proceeded to give me the story of what had happened once she and Jack had run away from Cal; how they met Mr Andrews who was ashamed to have not built a stronger ship and refused to part from with it, how they tried to save a young boy, how they almost drowned behind a locked gate, how it felt to be at the stern when Titanic split in two, how cold the water was, and how she'd skimmed death. I was fascinated at how she'd managed to survive it with her head still firmly on her shoulders. I hadn't gone through half as much drama, yet I had almost lost it. She explained to me that only six people had been picked up by the one boat that had gone back, she included, which baffled me, considering that there seemed to be well over a thousand in the water. I cried when she gave me the detailed part of her promise to Jack and his death; it just wasn't fair that such a darling young man would lose his life so unjustly, and it was a dreadful shame that Rose wouldn't be marrying him, as she had wished. But she accepted it for the way it was. She knew what she had to do, and she was going to keep her promise, and live her life to the fullest now that she was free. I wasn't likely to see her again, but she promised that she would write to me once a month.

Night had fallen by the time I went back and I realized how much more at ease I felt, now that I knew Rose was going to be alright. She was strong, she had finally found herself, thanks to Jack, and that was more than I could have asked for.

**A/N-- Hey everyone! I'm not sure what you would think of this chapter, might be a bit boring compared to the last few, but stories rise and fall and rise again. One drama has ended and another is about to begin for Lilly, so I hope you stay "tuned", lol. You won't see the next chapter for another little while, because, like I said, I'm going to Argentina...tomorrow morning...early...I need sleep. I just needed to get this chapter posted b4 I go, cause i didn't want to have to think about it while I'm away. but don't worry, I'll be thinking about the nexts couple of chapters for sure. Oh, and I'm sorry for any gramatical/spelling errors i made in this chapter; My boyfriend was too busy doing a school poject to proof read it. Oh Well! Tell me how you guys feel about this chapter and how the story is coming along, if of course you want to. I'm not gonna force you guys to review, lol. Laterz! (P.S. I'll be back on the Saturday 28th January, so the next chapter will be in February)**


	9. Chapter 9

Lilly's Memoir

Chapter 9—Returning Home

We arrived in New York City on a very gloomy April 18th, and were greeted by an enormous horde of spectators at the harbour. Newspaper reporters were scattered everywhere, their cameras flashing consistently, with their notepads and pens at the ready to begin hounding us, the survivors, for our stories and any dirt they could find on White Star Line; a scandal always made a story all the better. No one seemed to have any understanding that we had only just been through this traumatic experience, and that no one, absolutely none of us were ready to relay the story. Thinking about all the people that were lost—Jack, Fabrizio, Tommy, Trudy—made it so hard, and to returning to that memory was like taking a trip through the deepest pits of hell.

But in general, people attempted to make our troubles a lot easier to handle. We spent the next couple of weeks in one of the New York hotels, who had generously offered to allow the survivors to stay free of charge. Clothing was donated to us, for which we had all been very grateful.

It was one of the hardest two weeks of my life. Mother wept constantly, refusing to eat or sleep, claiming to be having nightmares, which I didn't doubt; I too kept waking during the nights with a start and sometimes a startling scream of terror, sweating from head to toe, afraid to return to my slumber, so as not to see the faces of all those innocently lost. Cal was frustrated most of the time, contacting his father to let him know that we were alright, and that Rose had passed. The train officials weren't very understanding of our present circumstances and didn't seem to want to let us travel home without our tickets, so Cal had to get his father to book new tickets for us, considering Cal only had a little bit of money left in his jacket pocket, which he was going to use to buy the three of us some new clothing. If Cal wasn't losing his temper over the new telephone system, he was moping around in the sitting room of our hotel suite, drinking away his pain and avoiding both me and my mother as much as possible.

A few days prior to returning home, I found myself realizing the mess that my mother and I were in, now that Cal wouldn't be marrying Rose. I locked myself in my bathroom, hanging over the sink, and staring at myself in the mirror. My face seemed to look different since the sinking; I was more solemn, my face was ashen, and my eyes were dark; I lacked the youthful glow I usually had, and now looked more mature than my true age. I felt sick knowing that I would have to abandon the wealthy, comfortable life I had grown up with. Knowing how Cal was, he just might see no reason to continue supporting us now that his fiancée was gone. We'd have to sell our house, and all our exceptional possessions, and start over from scratch. It would have been easy to blame Rose for this, but then I'd have to blame myself too, because I encouraged it. I didn't want to blame Rose anyway; she did what she needed to do to be happy, and her happiness was of more importance than our possessions and image…in my opinion at least. As I tried to convince myself that neither Rose nor I were to blame for what little our father had left us, I opened the tap and splashed the water on my face. It was ice cold, sending chills down my spine. As I looked back at my reflection and watched the water droplets drip from my face, I realized I couldn't come to terms with my fate; I couldn't imagine myself being poor, and didn't want to be poor. I had to speak to Cal; I had to let him know the truth about our situation, and the true reason for Mother wanting Rose to marry him. Of course, he wouldn't be too pleased, and he'd be more likely to abandon us, but he had to know.

I dried my face and made my way to the sitting room. I opened the door and entered, shutting the door quietly behind me. I stood against the door with my palms pressed against it, and took a heavy breath in anxiety. Cal was surely there, leaning forward over the fireplace with his back facing me, and with a glass of brandy held carelessly in his hand. Upon hearing the door shut, he raised his head to look halfway over his shoulder, but he said nothing. The fire gave him a slight orange glow, emphasizing his grief. For a moment I said nothing, not knowing how exactly to approach him, or if it was even the right time to bring up anything concerning money; he really had many other issues to deal with, but finally I gathered the courage to speak.

"You know, Cal, it's okay to grieve, and it's also okay to talk about it. You don't have to spend all your time drinking the pain away; it's not going to make it any better." I said, not willing to see him drink himself to death like my father had. I waited for him to answered, but none came. I proceeded to walk up to him, and I took the glass from his hand and placed it down on the tea table. He resisted for a couple seconds, but quickly gave in, knowing that I was right. "Cal, don't be ashamed to talk about it. It's the only way you will be able to get through this. All three of us are on the same boat, so you can always talk to either me or to Mother, though recommend you speak to me. Just tell me what is going through your mind, Cal; I want to be able to help you. You've been avoiding us ever since we docked, as though no one else understands. I understand Cal, so just talk to me...please."

"I don't see why you should care about how I'm feeling. After all, you never wanted us to be together. You encouraged her to leave me for that rat."

"Cal, I—"

"No, don't try to justify it. I know that all you'll say is that I couldn't make her happy, which won't make me feel any better. You of all people should have understood why I am like this. No one has ever gained power and respect from anyone by being a softy, and my father expects me to keep up the family name. My family has a reputation in Philadelphia, Lilly, and now it's been scarred. What is my father going to think when he finds out that Rose left me for a poor man? What is society going to think? How do you think I feel, knowing that she rejected me? I'm expected to have a wife who honours me above all things, and look at what happened. It'll only prove my father's point even more."

"What is that?" I asked in a sympathetic whisper, realizing that the whole incident had triggered a life-long psychological row.

"That I'm not good enough. He keeps telling me that I'm not hard-lined enough and that I'll never live up to his name. All my life I've tried so hard to make my father proud and all he ever does is put me down. My father expects me to take whatever measures I must to keep the Pittsburgh Steel Tycoon running smoothly, and to keep up our good reputation. Having a fiancée who doesn't love me, doesn't respect me, or support me doesn't quite fit that image I am expected to have."

I kept silent for a moment feeling terrible. Cal wasn't a jerk by nature, but thought he had to be, and was expected to be. "Why do you care so much about what your father thinks Cal? You are smart, and you are a good businessman. You don't have to be a jerk to those beneath you, and lead a dishonest life to hold your family and company reputation."

"I lead an honest life! I lead a very honest life, Lilly. I've earned my living, I was honest when I said I loved your sister, and I was honest when I said I would take care of her!"

"I know you were honest about your love for Rose, but other things you do in life are not honest. I don't call cutting people down for your own gain, lying about a piece of jewellery being stolen simply to get revenge on a man, bribing people and saving the life of a little girl only because she can save yours, leading an honest life!"

"That bastard stole my fiancée from me! How else should I have reacted!"

"She would have left you whether or not Jack made the first move! You don't have to destroy another person or draw fear out of someone to earn their respect. You can treat a person the way you would treat a friend and earn even more than just respect, and your reputation will still be just as good as before, if not better. Right now you care for no one but yourself, and I understand that your father has caused you these insecurities, but that doesn't justify being a jerk!" I paused for a moment, and sighed, not wanting to begin another argument with Cal, but quickly resumed my speech, a little more calmly. "Emulating your father is a waste of time, because, as much as you are a jerk, you could never be as much of a jerk as him. I know you better than to think that you can't be a better person."

Cal gave a slight giggle at my last comment, but continued to lean forward against the fireplace. I could tell he was seriously thinking about what I was telling him. He hadn't replied, knowing I was right, yet trying desperately to resist the truth. Then finally he stood up straight placing his hands on his hips, and sighed.

"You're right," he said airily, turning his head to face me. "You know…I sometimes feel as though you are the only one who truly knows me. You're the only one who is always honest with me." We stared at each other for a moment or two before he walked over and hugged me. I didn't hesitate to hug him back, because I knew I had just raised his self-esteem, even if only by just a little bit, but while hugging him, I remember what I had truly come to talk to him about, and my heart immediately felt as though it had dropped to the floor.

"You're not going to abandon us, are you?" I asked, while I was still wrapped in his arms. He let go of me quickly and stared me in the face with a confused look.

"What? Of course not…What makes you think I would?"

"Well, now that you don't have Rose, you have no reason to stay with us or support us in any way."

"Of course I have reason. As I have told you before, you and your mother mean just as much to me as my own family. My feelings for you and your mother aren't going to disappear just because Rose is no longer with us."

I stared at him for a moment, unsure if he should know the truth, but finally, as my eyes began to well up with tears, I made up my mind to tell him. "Cal, there's something you don't know about us. A secret we've been hiding so that you wouldn't leave Rose and abandon us." I paused momentarily, gathering my courage, and released a sigh of anxiety before continuing. "We have no money. Father left us with nothing but his house, and a good name to hold onto." Cal let out a snorting laugh, and gaped at me like I was stupid. I looked back at him in bewilderment, wondering how on earth he could find our predicament the least bit funny.

"You think I didn't know? I've known ever since your father's funeral that your family was bankrupt."

My mouth dropped like a rock, in amazement and an embarrassment unlike I had ever previously felt. "How could you have possibly known? We never told anyone."

"Rumours spread quickly, and further investigation proved it true. But either way, I would have figured out the truth; you mother made it quite obvious to me by her persistent sucking-up. I know your mother's mind was on my money to ensure her own survival. The only reason I didn't disown you was because I was in love with your sister, and upon further thought, I decided that none of you were at fault for your father's bad decisions." I stood there shock-stricken, gaping at Cal.

"But you never said anything."

"I didn't want to embarrass you, especially you mother. It wasn't officially my business to know the truth, and I would have therefore been out of place to let you know that I knew."

'_Wow!' _was all I could think. Cal had actually used his discretion on us. This proved to me that he wasn't lying when he said he wouldn't abandon us. He would support us until I got married. I knew my mother was likely to attempt forcing me to marry some extremely wealthy man, so that her name wouldn't be tarnished, but she wouldn't succeed. I wasn't prepared to allow that. My heart belonged to Kyle, and that was the way it was going to stay.

Two Tuesdays following the disaster we finally packed the few things we still had, so that we could finally return home. The station was near, so we decided to walk rather than be driven there. The weather was fine, the sun was out, the clouds were cotton white, and the air was cool and fresh. Cal had been holding up much better since our discussion, not mentioning Rose's name unless someone else brought it up, and seemed to want to spend a lot more time with me. Surprisingly, we hadn't argued for a week, which must have been a record, and I caught Cal often looking at me, and shooting me sweet smiles, which was sort of awkward.

However, as we walked down the street to the station, my arm hooked in Cal's, Cal's thoughts on Rose were once again jolted. I happened to step slightly ahead of Cal and noticed Rose walking on the other side of the street, quite unaware of how near we were. My heart must have skipped a beat. Immediately I tried my best to keep Cal and Mother from looking in her direction by forcing them to look at the merchandise in the store windows that we were now passing, but my efforts were useless. Cal turned his head in disinterest, and for a moment looked across the road, and quickly did a double take. Luckily Rose had turned a corner within that fraction of a second and Cal didn't see her again when he looked back. As we continued to walk forward, Cal wore a confused expression and kept glancing back.

"Good heavens, I thought I just saw Rose!" he finally said, and instantly Mother spun around in every direction looking for her hysterically.

"Rose, Where? Where is she!"

"Cal, she's not there," I said, grabbing his other arm, but he pulled away.

"No, I swear! It was Rose!"

"No it wasn't, Cal! Will you stop! Rose is dead, ok! She's gone!" I insisted, again grabbing his arm and shaking him. When he resisted me to look back for her, I took hold of his cheek and forced him to look back at me. "She's gone Cal. It's over." For some reason tears were forming in my eyes, as though she really was gone. I supposed it was Cal's desperation for Rose to return from the dead that saddened me, as well as my own desperation for Rose's secret to remain intact. After staring into my eyes for a few moments and after noticing the awkward glances of passers by, Cal finally gave up. He sighed heavily and looked across the street one more time before taking hold of my arm again.

"I'm sorry…It must have been someone else," he said.

"It's alright," I answered, shifting my glance to my feet so as not to show my relief. "I understand. Just, please, don't do that again. It'll only make things harder to handle for all of us."

Cal sighed once more, before pulling me forward. "We should get a move on. We don't want to miss the train." And so we walked to the train in silence. Mother seemed lost for the rest of the walk; her mind seemed to be spinning, and she was looking all around herself as though expecting to see her elder daughter. I hated to see her like this. She had lost some weight, and had circles beneath her eyes, the colour seemed to have drained from her face, making her seem quite a lot older than 43. Everything seemed to remind her of Rose and I sometimes wished that she would devoted some of the time she spent thinking about and loving Rose, on thinking and caring about me. I supposed she did care about me, but she never expressed it openly, or did anything to prove it.

The station was packed from end to end with travellers, some of who I recognized from Titanic, heading to their many different destinations. It took some time for us to find our compartment trough the crowd, but we eventually got through. The seats were covered in red velvet, which shined with the refection of the sunlight, and were quite comfortable. We were also provided with a beautifully designed table, decorated with red and white roses in a gleaming crystal vase (of course, the flowers depressed my mother further). I wasn't sure if it was a policy or if someone just left it behind, but we were provided with that morning's newspaper.

As we got settled in our seats and the train began to role forward, I picked up the paper to notice that the headline was about the Titanic. As I read I was horrified at how inaccurate the reporters had been.

"My goodness! How can they have gotten the story so incredible wrong?"

"What are you talking about?" asked Cal, who was busy preparing our tickets for inspection.

"The paper is suggesting that Titanic didn't sink! They're saying that everyone aboard had been saved and that the ship is being towed to Halifax for repairs!"

Cal gave a small laugh, "Probably someone in White Star Line paid them not to give the true story, in fear of a lawsuit. The truth will come out soon enough, you'll see." And Cal was right, soon enough, thankfully, the story was corrected and everyone finally knew the truth that the 'unsinkable ship' was in fact not so unsinkable.

The rest of our journey seemed to take a lifetime, though we were only on the train for about 2 hours at most. I kept my head pressed against the window in absolute boredom, watching the trees and buildings as we passed them, making me feel dizzy and nauseous. When tea was served, it was to everyone's amusement when I finally removed my forehead from the glass, and had an enormous red circle right in the middle.

The warmth of the tea and the gentle rumble of the train seemed to put me to sleep and my head dropped onto Cal's shoulder with a plop. My sleep seemed to have lasted hours, before I felt the tips of Cal's fingers gently stroke my cheek.

"Lilly…Lilly, wake up; we're here." I looked at him with pink eyes, sort of confused. We were here? What was he talking about?

"What?"

"We're home," he said chuckling at the disoriented expression on my face. I raised my head and looked out the window. The train had in fact stopped, which meant that we had finally reached Philadelphia. Mother had already stood up and was gathering her belongings, while I stretched and yawned. Cal handed me my belongings, and helped me up.

Cal's father, Nathan Hockley, his mother and younger brother were waiting for us at the bottom of the platform when we finally got off the train and through the sea of travellers and their relatives. Nathan Hockley was like looking at Cal forty years down the line; they had the same face, the same hard features, were both tall and wore the same stern expression. Cal had nothing of his mother's, Patricia; she was blonde, short, and was a quiet, modest and sweet person by nature. His brother, Jeremy, was about 23 years old, handsome, looked similar to Cal but had more of his mother's features, with medium brown hair. But no different to Cal, if not worse. He and I often had our rows, and we despised each other more than Cal and I despised each other. If he and I were ever left in a room together, we would rip each other to shreds. I could see the distasteful look on his face as the space between us decreased.

"Ruth, my darling!" called Mrs Hockley in both happiness and concern, and hugged Mother. "Oh, I'm so happy you're alright. When I heard the news I was horrified. And Lilly," she said looking at me and lifting my chin to face her. "—my goodness you look flushed. You must have been so traumatized, the lot of you. And Cal, I am overjoyed that you are home! I don't know what I would have done had I lost you," she said, flinging her arms around her son's neck, with tears streaming down her face. While Mr Hockley and Mother embraced, Jeremy decided it was his moment to 'welcome' me home.

"Well, it is quite unfortunate that Rose had to be taken before her time. You must be devastated."

"You don't seem the slightest bit sympathetic."

"Of course I am sympathetic; she was my brother's life, and she was beautiful and had a wonderful personality." I gave a snort; his ignorance was unbelievable.

"If only you knew Rose just a little better. I'm sure you would have much preferred it to have been me who drowned in the sinking. Now, wouldn't that be quite typical of you." I said glaring at him.

"I won't deny it." He said, returning my glare.

"Jeremy, why don't you leave her alone? We've all been through a lot; it's not the time or the place to begin attacking her," said Cal. Had he really come to my rescue? The whole experience had certainly changed him in a number of ways, or perhaps it was just a phase. Jeremy watched Cal for a moment before giving in. He shot me a glare before turning away and leading the way back to the two cars. It was unfortunate that such a good looking man could have such a disgusting, horrid personality, and could have absolutely no sympathy at a time like this, even if he didn't like us. Not even Nathan Hockley could be so uncouth, and he was already a bigger jerk than Cal had ever been. As I glared after him, Cal placed his hand on my shoulder and told me not to worry about him, and steered me to the cars.

Being in the presence of Jeremy kept me in a bitter mood for the entire drive home. Mother, and Mr and Mrs Hockley, drove in one car, leaving me to fend for myself between Cal and Jeremy. I didn't know if my day could possible get any more miserable. Cal only added to my annoyance by constantly staring at me. Every time I glared at him in annoyance, he would look away acting as though he wasn't looking, but eventually it became unnerving.

"What!"

"What, what?" he asked acting as though he didn't know what I was talking about.

"What do you think, Cal? Quit playing stupid!"

"Watch your language with me, Lilly."

"Oh shut up Cal! Why were you staring at me? If there's something on my face just tell me."

"No, there's nothing on your face."

"So what was it then?"

"It was nothing; I just noticed you were looking sort of uncomfortable. It's obvious with that scowl on your face."

"Well, that's because I'm stuck between two Hockleys."

"You should consider yourself lucky, because it most certainly won't happen again," spat Jeremy.

"Trust me I do consider myself quite lucky," I spat back sarcastically, then turned back to Cal. I examined him more carefully, searching for the truth in him, because I got the vibe it was more than he said.

"Forget it Lilly, you might as well not look so longingly at him. Cal will never be attracted to you, ever, so stop dreaming. In fact, why would anyone be attracted to you?"

"Oh shut up, Jeremy! Firstly, I'm not the least bit interested in your brother, and secondly, I don't believe anyone asked your opinion. It really isn't my problem if you have such terrible taste in decent women."

"Don't you speak to me like that, Lilly! You're nothing more than a girl to me, and I expect respect from you." hissed Jeremy, grabbing my jaw with his right hand. His strong fingers dug into my skin, clearly hurting me. His face was so close to mine that I could feel his warm breath on my lips. Cal must have noticed that I was in pain and that, although he had won the battle, Jeremy refused to let me go, and so he intervened, clearly annoyed by our constant bickering (not that he and I were much different).

"Let her go, Jeremy," he said, pushing Jeremy off of me. I held my jaw in pain, and moved closer to Cal, who put his arm around my shoulder, and glared back at Jeremy. When I glared back at Jeremy, he gave me a satisfied grin, as if telling me that I knew who was boss.

Finally, in another 10 minutes we pulled up before the DeWitt Bukator mansion. I hadn't been in my own house for just under 2 months, but it felt more like a several years. It was a relief to see the enormous, Spanish style, white palace drawing nearer. The flowers hanging off my black wrought iron balcony were still fresh, causing me to get anxious to once again be in my own room, and sleep in my own bed, and be swallowed by my mass of feather pillows. I'd finally be able to put the past 3 weeks behind me, and start over on a clean sheet, return to my normal life, and not have to relive the nightmare of April 14th and 15th. All my troubles would finally disappear through song, and through the pressures of my final year at school, and all who worried about me would have to worry no more.

When the car had finally come to a stop, Cal helped me out and accompanied me to the front door. I didn't even waste my time bidding Jeremy my goodbyes, and nor did he pay any attention, and I suppose I preferred it that way. Mother and the Hockleys came to the front door saying their goodbyes, and, wanting to be there for us in our time of need, they told us that they would stop by the following day. Once Mr and Mrs Hockley had returned to their vehicle, Cal kissed Mother's hand gently, and she retreated into the house, but as I gave him a small smile and turned to enter the house, he pulled me back.

"After all I've done for you, that is how you tell me goodbye?"

"Oh, I'm sorry Cal. How would you like me to bid you goodbye?" I replied sarcastically, but in good humour.

"Well, I would have at least expected a hug, and perhaps a thank you." I gave him a smile when he stretched out him arms, and I gave him the hug he was requesting. I couldn't see the harm in giving him a hug; even though we'd been embracing each other quite frequently recently. I also thanked him, not only for defending me in my battle with Jeremy, but for protecting me, saving my life, and promising not to abandon me and my mother. He really had been a different person since the sinking, and though it was strange, it was a side of Cal that I could tolerate and come to appreciate. The person he had been over the past 2 weeks was the person I wished he could be all along, someone I could trust, and be able to talk to, and look upon as family. He gave me a kiss on my forehead and gently stroked my cheek, once we had separated, and gave me that strange, loving gaze that he'd been giving me recently, before smiling and bidding me farewell until the following day.

Once the two Hockley automobiles drove off, I entered the house, shutting the door behind me, and made me way up two winding white marble staircases to my bedroom. As I shut the door behind me, I flung myself onto my bed and sank into the many pillows and cushions just as I always did, and just lay there in thought. What could Cal's sudden change in character mean? Why was he being so gentle towards me? And what on earth did that stare mean? Why was it that every time he looked at me, his eyes shone? And why was it that I somehow found it so comforting and appealing in some bizarre way? So many questions filled my head about Cal's behaviour, but all I could think in the end was that he couldn't possibly be falling for me, and that it must have been the effects of the sinking still affecting him. And as for me…the stomach butterflies that this new, gentle and sweet character was causing could only be a phase, an adjustment to his newly developed personality. Whatever it was, it was bound to end quickly, or at least once we held a memorial for Rose.

**Author's Note: OMG I'm sooooo sorry for taking soooooo long! It's almost a month since I posted the last chapter, but for 2 weeks i had no time to really think about what I was going to write next, and the whole holiday knocked me off a bit. So when I finally got home, it took a while for me to gat back into the grove of things, and then I got writer's block, and had no idea what to write next. I was getting so frustrated that I was actually thinking of abandonning the story, but I couldn't do that to the readers, so I did all that i could to get me back on track. I watch Titanic again, and tought and tought and tought and was even thinking of reading the story from the very beginning to bring back all of the emotions i had locked in me for Lilly's character. I must say, to me this isn't the best chapter I've written and I know i can write a better chapter, but once i read it over, i realized it wasn't as bad as i thought it would be. It's kinda fast paced, adn kinda short, but it only one of the events between the next big event. I actually accidentally added the character of Jeremy. So now i have to work him into the plot somehow. But I hope the chapter wasn't too much of a disappointment, adn I hope you guys continue to read my story. Feel free to review any criticisms, and suggestions for the next chapter.**


	10. Chapter 10

Lilly's Memoir

Chapter 10— The Pros and Cons of Temptation

The next few weeks of attempting to get back on our feet proved difficult to get by. Each day I would find Mother weeping in Rose's bedroom, always with an article of her belongings clutched in her hands. Returning to school and choir practice was a burden. Everyone seemed to harass Kyle and me about our experiences, as though the memories weren't still fresh in our minds. I must have relayed the story a hundred times, having to lie about Rose's death each time, only making the lie more of a burden than it already was. The only people who knew the truth about Rose were those who I knew would keep the secret a secret, my closest friends, Anna-Belle, Charlotte, Clarisse, and Hannah, and Kyle's friends, Michael, Jonathan, and Geoffrey.

It became obvious to those who knew me that I had lost that spark which drew people to me, and my new found maturity was reflected in my solemn expressions, and lack of youthful energy. I no longer disturbed my teachers by singing in class, I was no longer staying at school an extra hour to serve detention, and I was no longer as passionate in choir practice. My friends were often worried about me, but I always brushed off the topic. Singing had become a release of negative energy, a route I could take to escape my memories and the pain, rather than a past-time, and even I was beginning to worry about myself and hoped that with time my memories, fears, and nightmares would disappear and the real Lilly DeWitt Bukator would return to my body, because she seemed to have remained behind with the souls of the Titanic victims.

News soon began to come in about the retrieved bodies from the sinking and everyday Mother, Cal and I scanned the newspapers for the names of those found. Of course they were searching for Rose, but I was searching for Jack, Fabrizio, Mr. Andrews, Trudy, Mr. Murdoch, Tommy, and most of all, Mr. Carpenter. It came as a shock to me when I saw John Jacob Astor's name of the list of bodies, and I was brought to tears. Sadly, no body was recovered for anyone I was looking for, except Mr. Carpenter who was thankfully discovered on April 25th. I immediately had myself driven to the Carpenter's residence once I had found out the news, to find Mrs. Carpenter bawling in both happiness and sadness, into the arms of her neighbour. There were many a person congregated at their home, neighbours, friends and family, but I found Kyle locked in his bedroom, away from everyone else.

"Kyle, it's Lilly. My I come in?" I asked as I tapping lightly on the door. There was silence on the other end, so I thought he was ignoring me, and was turning to leave when he finally decided to opened the door for me. His face was tear stained and puffy, and he refused to look at me in the face; his glance remained either on the ground or anywhere else, once I wasn't seeing that he was crying, but I knew better. As I entered I saw recent pictures and newspaper clippings spread out over his bed, which hadn't yet been fixed. Kyle didn't even greet me with the usual hug and kiss, but instead he just locked the door behind me and returned to a curled sitting position on his bed, and stared out the window, pouting.

At first I was unsure of how to approach him. I had never seen him like this before. I supposed the reality of his father's death was only now beginning to sink in, and I could only imagine what it must have been like to loose your father in such a tragic way. I inched my way over to his bed and shifted some of the photos aside and curled up next to him, laying my head on his shoulder, but he didn't react.

"You know Kyle, you should be happy that they at least found you father. There are so many whose family members were simply lost, or not identified. You should be happy that at least you can have a funeral and lay him to rest in the fashion he deserves."

"Oh god, not again!" he exclaimed pushing me off of him and off the bed. I glared back at him in amazement. "If you've come here to lecture me about how I should feel about this then I suggest you leave."

"I haven't come to lecture you about how you should feel! I know how you feel, damn it, I lost my father as well. How dare you push me away when I'm trying to comfort you!"

"You aren't helping me right now. No one is. Why does everyone have to be here now? Can't anyone see what my mother and I are going through right now?"

"Can't you see that these people do understand what you are going through and are simply doing whatever they can to help you through it? You can't lock yourself away in your bedroom as though the entire world is against you. I understand you are upset and the reality of the situation is only now beginning to defog, but you can't shut everyone out, Kyle. I'm here to help you though this and I don't appreciate you pushing me away. I'm your girlfriend for Christ's sake! I didn't come here to argue with you!" I could see the fury and anguish in his eyes. This was the first time he had ever had such an outburst in my presence, and though I didn't show it, it frightened me. This wasn't at all like him. Tears began to well up in his eyes and soon he fell to the floor weeping uncontrollably, and before I knew I was crouched on the floor by his side with my arms around him.

Clinging to me the way a baby clings to its mother, I hushed him until he was just sobbing against my shoulder. Speaking calmly to him, I reasoned with him the best ways to go about his sorrow, explaining that his father would have wanted him to be strong, and reminding him that his father gave up his life in order to save his son, until he finally gave in to my words and apologized for reacting so selfishly towards me.

I kept him cradled in against my bosom for a few moments while singing to him quietly, soon feeling his fingers gliding up and down my back. His face was buried into my neck, and I could feel his warm breath against me, send chills of pleasure down by spine. This was the beginning of one of the most intimate moments we'd ever had up to that point, and my heart began to race in anxiety. I could feel the same vibe being radiated off of him. He whispered, "I love you so much," into my ear, before gently kissing me down my neck. I replied the same in a hushed tone. I never knew how this felt. It was my first time ever being so physical with Kyle. We'd only ever kissed, but never had he touched me or kissed me anywhere besides my lips, and even though I was feeling nervous, I didn't want him to stop. Every so often his tongue would slither along my neck, giving me chills and causing me to gasp. Ever kiss, ever lick and ever warm breath made my head feel lighter and lighter.

Eventually he moved up to my lips, kissing me most passionately, and instantly my arms found themselves wrapped around his neck. His hands were travelling little by little all over my virgin body. With ever touch I should have been more eager for him to stop, but the temptation was killing me, so I couldn't. I didn't want to stop him. He soon drifted back to my neck and I ran my fingers through his hair. I'd never felt so much pleasure in my life; the adrenaline was running through my veins, my heart was racing, and I was beginning to feel warm. Kyle's right hand, which was sitting on my left shoulder, slid down to my breast, cupping it for a moment then slipped further to my leg, under my skirt, and tenderly slid up my thigh. My hands glided down his chest, and I could feel his well crafted structure beneath my finger tips, only making the experience more pleasurable. Upon reaching his belt buckle, I yanked his shirt out of his pants, exploring and examining his chest even more closely. Was this how it was supposed to feel? Why had I never attempted to experience this before?

Kyle's other hand proceeded to unbutton my shirt, revealing my cleavage, which was accentuated by my corset. His lips lingered down, past my collarbone, planting kisses on my bosom, which was supposed to be forbidden until marriage. Though my heart pounded faster than I could breathe, I found my own hands drifting back to him belt buckle, but just as I was undoing it, there was a sudden, loud rap on Kyle bedroom door. Both of us broke apart in a flash and my face went white as I heard Cal and Kyle's manservant's voices behind the door.

"Miss Lilly! Miss Lilly, Mr. Hockley has come to retrieve you," called his manservant while he knocked. Kyle and I scrambled to make ourselves look presentable, though I was quite sure that at least Cal would figure it out.

"I'll be right out!" I called back as I buttoned my shirt once more and attempted to help Kyle tuck back in his shirt. I heard Cal telling the servant that he would take it from there, making it clear to me that Cal had figured us out. Quickly, I scurried to the door and opened it, trying my best to look innocent. Cal looked us up and down very suspiciously, and upon seeing Kyle's untidily tuck shirt, his eyebrow raised.

"Well, well, well. I suppose I came just in time," said Cal knowingly.

"Just in time for what?" I asked trying my best to act as though noting happened.

"Well, I was hoping that you would tell me. I think the picture is quite clear, considering Mr. Carpenter here looks a mess, and your shirt is buttoned wrongly." My eyes widened in embarrassment as I looked down. Surely, I had buttoned it in the wrong loops in my rush, and quickly turned to fix it. "You're coming with me," he added, grabbing my upper arm and dragging me along.

"Wait!" I said, pulling away rushing back to Kyle to kiss him, but before I could even give him a proper kiss, Cal pulled me back to him in anger. I looked back at Kyle nervously and told him that I'd see him in the morning. Cal allowed me to bid Mrs. Carpenter goodbye before steering me to the automobile.

Once we were settled in the car, I could feel Cal glaring at me furiously. I knew that he knew, but I didn't want to act as though anything really happened.

"Well you seem to have done a fine job of cheering him up."

"Well, I sure hope so," I replied, continuing my innocent charade, though I knew it wouldn't work.

"This is not a joke Lilly. What do you think you were doing locked alone in his room?"

"Kyle was upset and didn't want to be around anybody, so I went up to him. I almost thought he wasn't going to let me in, but when he did he shut the door behind him and locked it. Cal, nothing happened, I swear."

"Oh, of course not! That's why you were scrambling when you heard me bang at the door. That's why Kyle's shirt was so poorly tucked in and that's why your shirt wasn't buttoned correctly, and that's why you have a rather large red mark on your neck!" I gasped in horror and reached for the side of my neck that Kyle had been kissing. "Lord knows, had I not come, how far you would have gone. You are taking this relationship way out of line, and you know how your mother is going to react to this news."

"You won't tell my mother anything, Cal!" I ordered heatedly, terror washing over me. "And as I said, nothing much happened, Cal."

"I wouldn't put too much confidence into that idea. From the sound of it, and from the look of it, you two seemed to be quite enjoying yourselves. And if you claim that nothing happened you wouldn't be showing me any fear."

"I'm not showing you fear! Nothing much happened! Okay, I admit, we got sort of carried away, but I swear nothing happened."

"I don't exactly consider the fact that your shirt was open for his viewing pleasure to be nothing much. Who knows where else his hands were! This is unacceptable and inexcusable, Lilly. You should be taking more responsibility for your actions and behaviour. I don't know how you are planning on hiding that horrendous mark from your mother or from the rest of society for that matter. The only people who are seen with marks like that are whores, and I doubt you'd want to be labelled as one."

"I can cover it up with makeup or something. Just don't tell my mother, Cal, please. If she knew she would keep me away from him for life. This honestly wasn't the intention of my visit, it just happened."

"And exactly what part of that is my problem, Lilly? You should have stopped it before it could even start."

Tears came to my eyes as I realized I had to fend for myself in this situation, and I just shook my head in disbelief and looked out the window. "You're acting as though you never had someone before. And I'm positive none of them were married. Don't act as though you've never been tempted, or had these feelings before. No one ever warned me about what I should expect to feel. What was I supposed to do?"

"Don't try to make me feel pity, Lilly. I refuse to feel any sympathy. No one may have taught you what to expect, but you are old enough to have enough common sense to recognize it. As a young lady you should be taking more responsibility for your honour. As men, our situations are much different."

"How are they different? You lost your virginity before marriage!"

"I am a man! You are a young woman! Not only that, but you are high class, not some filth from the gutter! Now, I will not argue with you anymore Lilly. I'm not going to warn you again. I won't say anything to your mother, but don't expect me to bail you out if she does see it. Do I make myself clear?" I scowled as the tears ran down my cheeks, and looked back out the window.

"Bastard." I said, shaking my head. I could tell that he clearly didn't like my comment, but he didn't reply.

The trip home was silent after that, though every few minutes I could be heard sniffing. I wanted to be anywhere but home the moment I saw my house rising in the distance, and as we pulled up before the entrance I released an anxious sigh.

Cal helped me out of the car, despite my resistance, and proceeded to wipe the tears from my face with his thumb.

"Fix your face. You're only going to make things obvious if you walk in looking in a state," he said, fixing my hair, which had been dishevelled since Kyle and I had been alone. Cal was still tense, but was once again very gentle with me, and staring at me intently, as he ran his fingers slowly through my loose curls. He quickly realized that he was making me uncomfortable and backed away, almost as though he had come back to his senses, and led the way through the open front door. The entire time I kept my hand covering my neck, coming up with a quick lie in my head.

But to my luck, the Hockley family had come to visit while I had been out, and that included Jeremy. Apparently they were planning and preparing for a memorial service for Rose, consider her body was obviously not found, and surprisingly, Mother was not crying, although it was observable how much she was holding back the tears.

"Oh, good evening Lilly. We thought you might want to be involved in the planning of the memorial service. After all, it seems only fair that you have a say," said Mrs. Hockley pleasantly, quickly noticing my unhappy face, and the hand which was covering my neck. "Oh my dear, what has happened?"

"Oh no, I'm fine really. I just came from visiting my friend who lost his father on the Titanic as well. The body was found, so I just went to pay my respects, so I'm feeling a bit down, that's all."

"Well then, what happened to your neck that has you holding it so tightly?" asked Jeremy already a little suspicious, which wasn't a good sign.

"I strained it in the car on the way home. It's just feeling painfully stiff, but I'm fine." I replied, trying to sound as honest as possible.

"Oh, well, I'm studying to be a doctor, I'm sure I could help you with that. Let me see it," he said, making his way over, and fought with me to move my hand, but I kept pulling away telling him to stop and that I could handle it quite well on my own, but finally he managed to pull my hand away, revealing exactly what I didn't want revealed.

"Well, well, well. What do we have here?" he announced, beginning to enjoy his success in bringing me down very much. "I've never seen a strain that could cause a mark like that to appear on someone's body. It looks more like someone was doing more than just cheering up her friend. Or is he really just a friend?" he said, exposing the truth so easily, and walked away chuckling proudly with his chin. Everyone in the dining room gasped in amazement and shock when I didn't deny it. Tears began to well up in my eyes, but I held my composure as best I could. I didn't want my shame to be obvious. I didn't want them to know that for once in my life I regretted doing something, so I simply stood motionless and said nothing. I could see the infuriation on my mother's face, which was exactly what I wanted to avoid, and it officially became clear to me that Jeremy would be the one to ruin my life.

"Lilly, I expect to have a word with you after our guests leave. But for now, I want you to go to your room and—"

"Stay there until you say otherwise…I know. I was going there anyway." I said in an arrogant and angry tone, and turned to leave the room. "Thank you Jeremy," I said in a sarcastic tone as I glared after him, not even bothering to glance at Cal. As I made my way up the spiral staircase, I could hear Cal's parents asking Cal if he knew about what I'd done that day. He didn't deny that he knew, but he also didn't deny that he would not come to my rescue if the truth came out.

As I lay on my bed crying, I realized that this moment was the beginning of a lifetime of misery. Mother would officially by trying to arrange a marriage with some unworthy, wealthy man, or sending me away to university in some far away state or perhaps even another country. From now on, my every move was likely to be monitored. I wouldn't be able to breathe without having someone else breathing down my back.

I eventually fell into a dreamless, yet restless sleep in my misery, and it felt like hours before Mother came knocking on my door. I was still clothed in my day outfit, which under normal circumstances my mother would consider unacceptable, but when she came in she didn't seem to care; she got straight down to business, with Cal right by her side.

"Get up!" she ordered. The rage she was feeling shone through her eye, and it was a wonder why she hadn't turned purple. I slowly rose to a sitting position, keeping my eyes firmly on her, glaring, conveying as little fear as I could manage. But my sitting position obviously didn't please her; she wanted me to stand up, for she stalked over to my bed, taking my by the arm and yanking me off the bed into a standing position.

"I said get up! You aught to be ashamed of yourself; you rotten little girl! What were you thinking to be caught alone with that boy? Not even alone with him…locked in his bedroom, alone with him. Do you recognize the consequences of your actions? What man is going to have any respect for you after they find this out? What man is going to want you?"

"What makes you think I care about what other men think about me? I don't want another man!" I yelled back.

"He is not worthy, Lilly! If he had any decency at all, if his worthless parents had taught him any better, perhaps he wouldn't have taken advantage of you. And you stupidly give in. What in God's name was going through that head of yours!"

"First of all, don't ever refer to him or his family as worthless. I will not stand for it. That family has only been kind to us from day one, and all you can do is criticize them because they have less money than your precious Caledon Hockley! If there is anyone who isn't worthy among the pair of us, it is me. What do we have Mother? What did Father leave for us that makes us so high class? We have nothing! The only reason we haven't reduced ourselves to living in the gutter is because you forced your beloved Rose on Cal, forgetting to think about what she really wanted. All of this is about you! Why do you think she ran off with Jack, Mother? You're a spiteful, selfish and hypocritical bitch!"

Mother looked at me in horror, then turned back to look at Cal, who lean against the door frame with his arms crossed, as though he'd heard nothing out of the ordinary. Of course, Mother didn't know that Cal had been aware of our situation ever since and immediately shot back at me. "How dare you say that? We are not penniless vermin like that boy Rose decided to die for!"

"We are penniless Mother. Don't' try to hide it. Cal knew all along that Father left us nothing. He's known the entire time. Not only that, but Rose chose to escape her misery, and she found her escape root through Jack."

"He led her to her death!"

"She chose her fate, Mother! Can't you see? If you hadn't forced her to marry a Hockley, then perhaps she'd still be alive today. Perhaps she wouldn't have run off with Jack, and lost her virginity to him."

"She what!"

"Yes Mother, she lost it to a poor man. She fell in love with Jack quickly. She knew she loved him. Don't act like you didn't know. That's exactly why you wanted them apart. And now you're trying to do the same to me, but it's not going to happen Mother. I love him, and he loves me back, and there's nothing you can do about it."

"Oh, so you believe that just because a handsome fellow, with a sweet personality tells you that he loves you, he really means it. Don't be so naïve, Lilly. He's not worth as much as we are, so he is taking in as much as he can get from you. He's taking advantage of you, because he realizes how unbelievable stupid you are, and using you for his own pleasure. All men his age are like that. They'll take you, and use you until you're washed out like an old rag. Kyle Carpenter is no better than that rodent who took my daughter's life!"

"I'm not naïve Mother! And if there's anyone here who is stupid, it's you! Kyle and I have been together for years. I trust him more than any other person in this world. The other two people in this world who I've ever put my faith in are dead thanks to you. Father drank himself to death because he couldn't you were frustrating, and Rose ran away straight to her death. Good job Mother! If there is any mother who treats me like a daughter, it's Kyle mother. She's always pleasant, always courteous, and brought up her son with the same values, and all you can do is speak badly of her."

Mother was infuriated by my words, and slapped me with a force unlike any other, knocking me back. "I'm not like a Mother to you? I have done nothing but been the best possible Mother I could have been, giving you everything, and looking out for your best interests, and this is how you repay me? You are the most ungrateful girl I've ever seen. I don't know where I went wrong in raising you. I am sacrificing so much for the survival of our family, and I will not have you deflower yourself before marriage. I refuse to be known as the woman with the sluts for daughters. I will not have you make the same mistakes as Rose. You'll only end up dead, just like her!"

"Don't try to pin your mistakes on us Mother! Stupidity is passed down from parent to child. If I'm so stupid, I must have gotten it from you. Not because you were naïve and made bad choices, means that the rest of us will too! I don't care what you say! I love Kyle and he and I will marry as planned when we reach the age of 20. You can't stop me!"

"What do you mean marry at age 20?"

"The night of the sinking we promised each other, and both of us intend on keeping it."

"You will do no such thing. You hear me? This is not a joke Lilly. If you don't watch your step I will not hesitate to send you away. I will not have you ruin your own life by marrying someone who doesn't even love you. I don't want you around that boy again Lilly, and I mean it."

"He does love me, you foolish toad! Not because your husband didn't love you means that every other man can't love your daughters. You can't stop me from being around him, and you can't stop us from loving each other, no matter what you do." Mother glared at me, unable to continue the argument, knowing that with everything she said I would simply shoot back. She threw her hands up in the air in frustration, and turned to storm out the room, announcing her livid thoughts for everyone to hear. I could hear her arguing as she stalked down the hall, yelling back to Cal to do something about me, to straighten me out.

Once Mother was downstairs Cal stood up straight in the doorway, now with his hands on his hips, staring at me. I could see him trying to search for words in his mind to tell me, reminding me of the night of the sinking, just before he slapped Rose. He did look quite angered by my actions, but I had no chain linking me to him, and therefore he could do nothing about it.

"So, what more do you have to tell me?" I ordered in annoyance. "I'm sure you're disappointed in me as well. I wouldn't be surprised if you are. Who isn't?"

"Yes I am disappointed in you. I thought you were better than that, Lilly."

"I'm no better than anyone else Cal. You know that and I know that. Mother just loves to think of herself and her own image. This has nothing to do with me. She simply doesn't want to be embarrassed. It's her image that is so important to her. She can't handle the ill gossip about her."

Cal closed the door behind him so as not to draw any more attention our passing servants, and proceeded to continue. "I know that your mother is concerned about her own image Lilly, but at the same time, this is affecting your image even more. You are allowing your emotions to take control of your actions. You must take responsibility for yourself, Lilly."

"Yes, Cal, I know. I'm sorry, alright. I got carried away, I realize that. But everyone falls into temptation sometimes." I said, trying to reason with Cal, but he seemed to take no notice.

"No Lilly, you are allowing that boy to influence you, and it has to stop. You are merely sixteen years old; it's unacceptable that you even spend all your time with any boy, let alone, be locked in his room. He is influencing you and fooling you into believing that he cares about you. And look at what he's done. He used his father's death and his sorrow to seduce you."

"Oh, for goodness sake! You're just like Mother. The only reason you don't like him is because he is worth less than you. Everything is about money to you people. I'm not changing my grounds Cal. I love Kyle and neither you nor Mother are going to change that."

"You do not love him, Lilly, and I will not allow you to get yourself tangled up with the wrong people. When I said that I wouldn't let anything happen to you the night Titanic sank, I meant it. I didn't only mean that night, and I most certainly will not allow some worthless boy to take my pride!"

"Your pride? What do you mean by your pride? Who do you think I am, Rose?" Cal seemed shocked that he had even said it. What could he possibly have meant?

"By pride," he paused, "I mean that I that you mean a lot to me, like my family, like my friends. I won't allow him to take and abuse someone who I hold close to me, and who he doesn't deserve."

"Bullshit! You can't decide who deserves me, you bastard. I can decided that for myself, thank you very much. Don't think you can try and put claim on me, Cal. I'm not yours, and never will be. Now I think it's about time you leave me alone. I've had enough of this. I've had enough of both you and Mother!"

"Lilly, I haven't finished—"

"I don't care if you haven't finished criticizing me, my friends and my decisions. Just get out of my room!"

"I will not have you speaking to me like that, Lilly, I'm trying to advise you, and set you in the right direction. Why don't you just take our advice and—"

"I don't' need to take your advice. I don't want it! Now, will get out my bloody room!" I exclaimed, rushing to the door to open it, and signalled Cal out. He stood there for a moment watching me, wondering whether he should leave, glaring at me. But I think my glare and my clenched fists convinced him that I was no mood for his talk, so he sighed and made his way slowly past me. As we were directly facing each other in the doorway, he stopped, and looked down on me with a serious expression on his face.

"What?"

"I wish you would consider my words, Lilly. I don't want to see you getting hurt. I will not stand for it at all. I'm trying to look out for you, not trying to put claim on you. Either way, I am here if you need someone to talk to."

"I'm quite sure I can fend for myself, thank you. I don't think your help will be necessary Cal. Please, just go." He hesitated at first, raising his hand to stroke my cheek, but when I pulled away, he gave me a slight nod and continued past me, down the hall and down the stairs. As he disappeared down the steps, I shut my door behind me, and slid to the floor crying.

Why was it that everything I did was wrong to everyone else? Why was it that my Mother could never be proud of me, could never approve my friends? She hated me for not being just like her. I could never be her mirror image, I could never follow in her footsteps, I refused to find myself in a miserable marriage the way she did. I knew Cal was trying to protect me from getting hurt, but at the same time, he, like Mother, hated Kyle with every fibre in his body. From now on, he and Mother would have our servants, chauffeurs and anyone else who knew me, spying on me with magnifying glasses, dissecting my every word, analyzing everything in my body language.

But in the end, what did it matter? Kyle and I were in love. Either way, I would have still given myself to him at some point. We would have someday been married and conceived a child, so why did it matter what they thought, or what anyone thought, for that matter? Kyle made the world make sense to me. He put in place the final piece of the puzzle called life; he gave me a reason to live in a deteriorating world. So why should I have let that go just to satisfy someone else? That, I refused to do.

**Sorry this took another month to add. I started working on February 11th, and was constantly busy, so I wrote this chapter little by little, until i was finally satisfied. I hope you enjoyed it! Reviews are always appreciated, oh, and I appologize for any typos**


	11. Chapter 11

Lilly's Memoir

Chapter 11— Rose's Memorial

Over the next three weeks Mother and I didn't utter a word to each other. She was still furious with me, and I could understand why; I had practically blamed her for Father's death and Rose's supposed death, indicated that she was the foolish, and called her a selfish toad. But she had also told me that I was stupid, and that everyone else thought the same, and that I was selfish. I suppose sometimes I did behave selfishly, but when it came to my life and choices, it was my right to be selfish. This hadn't gone unnoticed to Mrs Hockley when she was assisting in the plans for Rose's memorial, and she often expressed her concerns.

When it comes to Rose's memorial, Mr Hockley put forth quite a large sum of money to have a pure white marble monument sculpted from scratch in Rose's memory, to be placed in the centre of a large flower garden in our back yard. The best gardeners in the country were hired to ensure that the garden was properly planted and grown. The service was held off until the end of May, because Mother was constantly in denial that a body wouldn't be found.

But my concerns lay in Rose's whereabouts. She had promised that she'd write me, and as it approached May 31st, I was beginning to worry constantly. What could have happened that she would take so unbelievably long to write me? Had she not gotten back on her own feet, found a small home and job to support herself? I had no idea where she was, what she was doing, or if she even had a plan. Was everything she went through and was currently going through worth it? The truth was that I was missing having a shoulder to lean on and a having my sister to confide in, to share all my secrets with, and someone to make life in the DeWitt Bukator household easier to cope with. Of course I had my girl friends to confide in, but Rose was different. Not only did I have Rose to think about, but Kyle's father's funeral had struck me quite hard. Kyle's mother fainted and need rushed medical attention due to blood pressure, and I'd never seen Kyle so solemn; is face had been so hard that for the first time he looked more like a man than a boy in his adolescent years. My worries and misery must have shone brightly because Cal would often visit me in my bedroom late at night to ensure that I was alright.

May 31st, the day of Rose's memorial, arrived in a flash as though I had been standing in one spot while the rest of the world continued its course in fast motion around me. As I stood on my balcony taking in the fresh morning air and the sweet scent of flowers surrounding the banister, I tried to calm my nerves. I kept rubbing my hands in a handkerchief because they were sweating. Not a letter had been received, only making this memorial feel as though Rose was really gone, and I was too upset to care about anything else, not even the fact that my chambermaid had picked out a gorgeous, black, lacy high-neck dress, with matching lace gloves and a hat with a short lace veil to cover me face, which suited the occasion perfectly.

As I looked down I could see Cal ordering the bench suppliers to take the benches into the backyard, as part of the ceremony was to take place at our church, and then we were to congregate at my home in order to bid our final farewells and bless the monument. Cal was almost fully dressed, but still looked a little bit scruffy rather than slick and clean, but he still managed to look handsome. I had to admit that there were moments when he did give me butterflies in my stomach, and this was one of them. Cal had honestly been there for me when I was distressed, and even though I always lied to keep Rose's secret, I was very appreciative of the sympathy he showed me and all the hugs he gave me. I watched bench after bench passing into my backyard until Cal finally looked up and noticed me watching, giving a small smile. I returned it before returning into my bedroom to dress, as I had approximately 45 minutes until we had to be seated in the church.

As I sat down before my vanity about 20 minutes later to do up my hair, I heard a tap on my door, and I heard a click as it open just slightly.

"Are you dressed?" came Cal's voice, in a timid, almost boyish fashion, through the crack in the door way.

"Yes, I do have clothes on," I answered giggling.

"Are you ready?" He asked, entering now.

"Just trying to find something to do with my hair," I replied, picking up the ends of my hair and dropping it again, indicating that I had no clue how to style it. I began to brush through it, but within moments, Cal was standing behind my chair, and took the brush from my hand, and continued brushing through it. He did it in a playful, almost provocative manner, and began playing with my hair, gliding his fingers amongst the curls and twisting it around his fingers.

"Perhaps you can do this, or maybe twist it like this," he kept suggesting, twisting my hair in all sort of ridiculous styles, tangling my hair more that it already was.

"Are you trying to seduce me, Mr Hockley?" I asked in amusement, pushing him away from me and proceeding to brush out the additional tangles.

"Oh no, of course not; I was simply trying to suggest a decent hair style, since you, my dear, can't seem to find one yourself. And, in any case, if I truly desired to seduce you, I assure you, I'd have won you over already."

"Ha-ha, is that so! I couldn't disagree with you less. You see, I'd rather not be caught in bed with the man who was to be my late sister's husband, especially on the day of her memorial. OW! Goodness, Cal, you've done more damage to my hair than anything else!" I yelped as I struggled to brush out a rather painful and frustrating knot. As both of us continued attempting to brighten the final ten minutes before departing for the church and as I finally styled my hair, I realised that Cal was probably right. If he honestly did ever want to seduce me, he probably could do so…maybe not easily, because I knew what to expect from him, but he had already managed to earn my trust and respect. He had been known for his flirtatious tactics in his youth, and not even I could deny that he was a very handsome man, and quite the charmer; he could deceive almost any woman with a mere glisten of his eyes, or a flash of his brilliant teeth.

Eventually it came time for us to go to the church and all the way there I was fidgeting with anxiety. I had to make a speech, having been asked to write and read the eulogy; this lie was becoming harder and harder to keep, and having absolutely no word from Rose for a month and a half since the sinking, only made it worse. I hadn't yet shed a tear, but I was clearly miserable. In the car, Cal was holding my hand, squeezing it every couple of minutes and stroking it with his thumb to help calm me down, though it was no use; my entire body felt stiff.

The church was jam-packed from end to end with a sea of black dresses and suits, with everyone who had been invited to the wedding, everyone from the Mayor to Rose's kindergarten teacher, as well as old friends, new friends, family from all over the country, and random people who wanted to pay their respects the DeWitt Bukator family. Of course, the 4 front pews were reserved for my family on either side, and the Hockley family. Before the service could begin, I searched up and down, through the hundreds, for Kyle or any one of my friends just to get a word of confidence or a comforting hugs before spilling my heart out to the church, and lying to everyone in God's presence, but they were all hidden within the horde, and being stopped every few seconds to be shown sympathy only made the process more aggravating, until I finally gave up and returned to my seat.

The service began within minutes of my return, beginning my torturous wait for the pulpit. I sat between Mother, whose tears were abundant, and Cal, who refused to release my hand. I wondered whether he was attempting to comfort me without displaying too much public affection, or if he was using my hand to transfer negative energy, so that he wouldn't be caught with tears in his eyes. I thought it quite pathetic that Cal refused to express his grief; I couldn't understand the logic in the idea that shedding tears was a sign of weakness, especially in a man; after all, everyone has emotions.

I hadn't yet cracked, but the drawling of the priest's voice and his sermon on celebrating her life rather than mourning her death, relating it to Jesus' own death, and the echoes of weeping and grief behind me, were all putting pressure on my heart, and I felt as though it was sinking with heaviness into my abdomen. The pulpit stood before me, taunting me, threatening to devour me, like the monster this lie had become. My heart was beating faster and faster every moment, and every other minute I released a sigh of anxiety. Cal almost always knew when I was lying, and I didn't know how long I could continue lying about this without getting caught. I didn't know how I could watch my Mother suffer the way that she was; as much as we were different, she was still my Mother, Rose and I were still her children, and all she had left. With every beat of my heart I wanted more and more to scream out the truth, to get it off my shoulders, out of my system and into the open, but then I'd betray Rose; I was trapped between a rock and a hard place, it was either Rose, or everyone else. Either way, someone was bound to get hurt, and it would inevitably be my fault, so I reasoned with myself that it was best for me to simply bite my tongue; what they didn't know, couldn't hurt them.

The sermon finally ended approximately 45 minutes after it had begun, and it was followed by a hymn, after which the priest invited me to the podium to read the eulogy. My heart skipped a beat, and my pores began to rise, as I pulled the eulogy out of my handbag. Cal squeezed my hand one more time, feeling the tension running through my body, and gave me a reassuring look, only making me feel guiltier. As he let go, I closed my eyes, and inhaled deeply, holding my breath until I reached the pulpit. When I looked up, all eyes in the black horde were on me, staring at my bleached features. I wondered if they could see the insincerity on my face and in my eyes, which were beginning to glisten with tears of fear. I was intimidated for once in my life, by those who weren't even a threat. My hands shook as I unfolded the paper, each blue curled letter blurred, until I wiped the tears from my eyes with the back of my hand. Once more I searched the crowded seats for a glimpse of Kyle, but my search was cut short by the whisper of the priest.

"Ms DeWitt Bukator, you may begin," he said, hustling me, pointing at his hand watch. I returned a nod of understanding, looked back and took drew another deep breath before beginning.

"Good morning. As most of you know, I am…was, Rose's younger sister, Lilly." I said, realizing I had gotten off on the wrong foot. What if someone began to question her death thanks to my use of present tense, or was I just over reacting? "Rose was not only my sister, she was a kind, loving, beautiful person as well, not to mention, she was my best friend. With her long waves of fiery red hair, elegant features and glowing personality, it was no wonder why Cal had fallen head over heals for her, not to mention every other boy in town did too. I remember when we were about 12 and 13 years of age, all the boys in her year group at school gave her flowers for her birthday, and at Christmas they showered her with gifts." I said, recollecting that year vividly, and giggling slightly. But the longer I read, and the more I reminisced on such good times, and even the bad ones, I realized more and more how much I missed Rose, and how much my own strength had deteriorated since she was gone, and soon tears were spilling from my eyes so uncontrollably, to the point where I could hardly speak. Cal had to come and pull me from the pulpit, carry me back to my seat, and hush me as I cried into his chest.

Soon enough, the church service ended, and we headed back to my back yard, highly decorated by fresh, sweet smelling roses, of all colours it existed in. As everyone settled into the benches, I began to feel the heat penetrating my dress and causing me to feel stifled under my garments. The only thing that barely raised my spirits was spotting Kyle and my friends just a few seats behind me, but we couldn't unite until the ceremony was complete.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, we gather once again, in memory of Ms. Rose Dewitt Bukator, at the beautiful home in which she grew up. We shall sing one more hymn, recite a closing prayer, I will bless this monument behind me and the rest of the garden, and then, those who would like will be asked to proceed to the front, and will be given a flower each to place at the foot of the monument. Now, will everyone please stand." Requested the priest, and we all stood.

As I sang half-heartedly, I began getting an irritating, nagging gut sensation that someone was staring at me. I looked behind me to see if perhaps it was Kyle, watching me through the few rows heads between us, but his face was buried in the hymnal booklet as though he couldn't read the words at a reasonable distance from is face; the number of times I had scolded him for it, threatening that he'd have to wear horribly thick spectacles was uncountable.

I shook my head in annoyance and return to my singing, only to once more be plagued by that feeling. I looked around again on my two sides, but could find no one who was looking in my direction, and couldn't seem to find anyone until I glanced across to the pews to my right. There, standing about three pews behind mine, on the opposite side, was a young, pale man, with dirty blonde hair, well groomed and obviously very wealthy, approximately 19 or 20 years of age, looking back and forth, from his hymnal to me. When he realized that I had caught him in the act, he flashed me a quick smile.

I looked away in confusion, not knowing who he was or how he could possibly smile at a moment like this. After a few moments of mystified analysis, I looked back in his direction to find him, yet again, staring at me shamelessly. This wasn't very polite of him; it was seriously beginning to make me quite uncomfortable, but my emotions allowed me to ignore him as soon as the yard went silent as the priest blessed the monument.

As the family members were beckoned forward to lay their flowers upon her memorial, it officially dawned on me that perhaps it was time for me to let her go. Tears began to stream down my face as I kneeled before it, a bouquet of red, white, pink, yellow and peach roses clutched in my left arm. I sat in the grass for several minutes by myself, running my fingers along her perfectly carved name, before I final propped each rose one by one along its base.

"These are for the love you never failed to show, and the undisputed beauty." I said, dropping a bunch of red roses. "These are for being my sister, my best friend, and my mentor," I added, placing three pink ones. "These are for your humility, reverence, and continued youth. These are in hope that you will always remember me as I will remember you, and for the promise of a new beginning," I said, adding white and yellow roses. I then placed red and white roses bunched together to signify our unity, whether or not we were together. At last, I held one final rose; a peach one, which I had been saving for last. As I began to get up again, I dropped it, saying, "And this is for goodbye. May you find happiness in your new life, knowing that your secret is safe with me. I miss you." I kissed the monument before I broke into heavy tears, and instead of returning to my seat, I walked hurriedly back into my house, not realizing until the door was nearly shut behind me that Kyle, Charlotte, Clarisse, Hannah and Anna-Belle had followed me in concern, and I collapsed into Kyle's arms. My entire body was quaking, and I knew that my eyes were bloodshot and my lip and face were puffy by the time I calmed down. They ushered me into the dining room, sat me down in a chair, removed my hat, and unpinned my hair, so that the headache that was now developing would get no worse, and immediately began to reassure me.

"But, it isn't even that I may never see her again that is bothering me. It is the fact that she hasn't sent me a letter yet. She has sent no evidence that she is alright. I'd be fine with not seeing her again had she sent a letter, but of course now I am having a fit. What if something has happened to her? What if she isn't alright, I will never know!"

"Don't think so negatively, Lilly. Perhaps she hasn't yet gotten the appropriate opportunity to inform you of her whereabouts and condition. I'm sure she is just fine, but still trying to get back on her feet. You must give her a chance, Lilly," said Hannah, and perhaps she was right, but at that moment, I was difficult to convince.

"But surely, if Rose is alright, if she has come out of this unharmed, then the first thing she would do is inform me. I don't know, maybe the post is just slow with her letter," I replied, just as Cal walked through the open door.

"Why would Rose send you a letter?" he asked, a suspicious glare on his face, obviously having overheard the last part of our conversation. All of our hearts must have skipped a beat. No one seemed to know how to answer, and all 4 girls looked back at me with fear in their eye. "What are you hiding Lilly?" I didn't begin to answer, and wasn't sure if I could.

"Uh…" I started, feeling my face turning white; I couldn't tell him the truth, but how could I lie now?

"Mr Hockley, Lilly is simply upset about Rose's death, she's—"

"Shut up! I was speaking to Lilly," he scolded, cutting Kyle off. "Lilly, I want an answer." I starred back at his now blurry figure through teary eyes, still unsure about what I should say. "All of you, out…now! I need to speak to Lilly alone. Hurry up, get out!" He ordered, rushing them out of the room as they looked back at me apologetically. Kyle attempted to resist, but I indicated that it would be best if he didn't, because the last thing I needed was a dispute between my boyfriend and my ex-brother-in-law-to be.

Cal shut and locked the doors behind him, and slowly turned back to glare at me. "I want an answer Lilly. What is going on?"

"It's nothing…" I said shaking my head and wiping tears from my cheeks. "It's just…so hard—it's harder than I thought it would be, and I can't—I can't face the fact that she's gone." I said, forming tears in my eyes, some fake and some real. "I can't let go. I mean, what if she really did survive, and we just missed her? What if…" I continued, coming up with as many alternatives to death, forming big tears and fumbling on my words, in hopes that my reverse psychology would convince Cal that there was really no secret, and that the memorial was driving me mad. My charade seemed to have been quite convincing, since his glare gradually turned into an expression of sympathy and sadness.

"No Lilly. I know that this is hard to face, I know that you loved Rose, just as I did and your mother did, but she gone."

"No, she's not, she must alive. She was innocent! Why did she have to die? What did she do that made her worthy of drowning!" I cried.

"Stop it, Lilly! Yes, she was innocent, and as much as I was angry with her for what she did to me, she did not deserve to have her life cut short. But we must all face the truth Lilly…She's gone, and we must be strong." he said, shaking me, and kneeled down before me. "Listen to me. If Rose had survived, she would have come to find us. She wouldn't have abandoned us, at least not you. You know that. She would have looked for us just as we looked for her. Not only that, but her name wasn't recorded on the list of survivors. I don't want you to get your hopes up, only to have them shot down Lilly. Rose is gone, and we have to move on. It won't be easy, I'm not saying it will, but we have each other to get through it, we have our families, and we have our friends. Everything will be fine," he said with a softness in his voice I had never heard before. He hugged me once more for a long minute, as I shed a few more fake tears into his neck.

"Since when do you think rationally?" I asked in a teasing manner when I pulled away. He wiped the tears away from my eyes, gave me a small smile, and kissed my forehead softly, before answering.

"Ever since I met you. You are the toughest young lady I have ever come across in my entire life, even though you have your moments of weakness," he said, standing up and embracing me once again. I didn't hesitate to return the favour, for not only was I stealing every opportunity I could to convince him that Rose was dead, but once again I found myself enjoying his tenderness, and the sound of his heartbeat. He'd also managed to make me smile, because for once he was actually complimenting me, he actually admired me for being headstrong, and for being a challenge to him.

"Rose would have been happy to hear all those wonderful things you said about her today. I think she would have been really grateful to hear them, and I know how grateful she was to have you as her sister. She's never said a word to bring your name down, and she'd be happy to know that you felt the same about her. She would have wanted you to be happy, even in this time of grief, so put a smile on that face of yours. Frowning never did suit you," he said, smiling down on me and pinching my chin, and I couldn't help but smile, and giggle back. He gave me one more kiss on the forehead, before leading me back out of the dining room and amongst the rest of the people who had remained for the wake.

For the rest of the afternoon I remained with Kyle and my girlfriends, who took my mind off of Rose. It was great to be able to speak normally with them once again, to be able to smile more freely without feeling guilty, as though I was betraying all those whose lives were taken for no good reason .It was clear that I was beginning to put the initial trauma of Titanic behind me, though I knew it wouldn't hesitate to haunt me every so often throughout the rest of my life. Mother was in a horrible state at first, but was up and about in conversation within a couple hours. I figured that I should reconcile things with her that night, once everyone had left, in order to make things right between us. But that thought changed the moment I stepped away from my friends to get myself a refreshment.

"Miss DeWitt Bukator," said an unknown voice to my left, and I looked to find that the voice came from a relatively old man, definitely older than my mother, with greying hair, a thick moustache, and quite large in the middle. "It is so nice to finally meet you. Your mother has said some wonderful things about you."

"Has she?" I replied quite baffled, as he took my hand a kissed it lightly.

"Oh yes. I am Mr. Harold Jennings."

"Nice to meet you. How is it that you know my family, sir?"

"Well, I knew your father quite well as a young man. Unfortunately I wasn't able to attend his funeral (poor lad), but I did send my condolences in a letter to your mother. When I heard about the tragedy with your sister, I knew that I must attend for the sake of your mother. It was the most I thought I could do. In fact, I brought my son with me. Now where did he disappear to? Oh there he is! Derek! Derek Jennings, come here, I'd like you to meet Miss DeWitt Bukator!" he called, motioning for his son to stop socializing with some other people. When he came into view I realized it was the same boy who had been watching me during the service earlier. I felt my cheek heat up and knew immediately that I was blushing with embarrassment, and I looked away quickly, until I had no choice but to look.

"Miss DeWitt Bukator, I'd like you to meet my son, Derek Jennings."

"How do you do?" he asked, taking my hand in his and kissing it flirtatiously.

"I'm quite fine, thank you. Nice to meet you," I said as I pulled my hand out of his grasp as quickly as I could, and giving him my most believable fake smile.

"Derek, here, is studying here in Philadelphia to become a doctor. He is in his second year of university, at only 20 years of age!" boasted Mr. Jennings, while giving his son a manly pat on the back and a proud fatherly look.

"Impressive!" I replied as enthusiastically as possible, as I poured myself a glass of punch. Derek had a smug smirk spread across his face, satisfied that he had impressed me, although really and truly I was becoming quite annoyed with their obvious attempts at winning my heart. "And what is it that you do Mr Jennings?"

"I am a lawyer, my dear."

"A very well respected lawyer," added Derek, obviously trying to impress me further.

"Oh, I'm sure he is," I said, taking a large gulp out of punch before again giving them a fake smile. The next half a minute was silent, filled with many smiles (fake in my case), and finally at his son's glace, Mr Jennings decided to take his leave.

"Well, I suppose I will leave you two to catch up. Excuse me," he said, and I watched him as he walked over to my mother, who seemed deep in conversation with a couple other people. I looked back at Derek to find his eyes travelling my body, as if undressing me, and cleared my throat in disgust. He looked back up at me quickly knowing I had just caught him in his vulgarity, yet obviously felt no shame, for he didn't apologize at all.

"You're a very beautiful young woman, Miss DeWitt Bukator; a man can't help but looking."

"I can tell; after all, most men do think with their jewels," I replied smartly, taking a sip from my punch as though I had said nothing out of the ordinary. In response, Derek straightened his clothing, quite embarrassed that I had the gall or courage to say something of that sort.

"I hear you were very close to your sister. I'm very sorry for your loss. It must be very hard for you to deal with—" he began trying to change the subject, but I cut him off.

"Yes, it is. So, medicine, what convinced you to study medicine when you could have easily taken after your father, who is such a respected lawyer?"

"Well, my father was being too general by saying 'doctor'. I'm actually looking to become a surgeon. As much as my father would have wanted me to become a lawyer and as much as law is interesting, I am not my father, and have very different interests to his. I figured that if I could save another man's life, then that would be more rewarding than determining whether or not someone was guilty of a crime."

"Well, I very much agree. A life is so much more valuable, and we could use a few more people in the world that can see that," I replied, actually impressed with his reason for wanting to be a doctor.

"Well, of course, I must think about my own profit as well. I mean, I can't possibly perform a surgical procedure on a poor person if they cannot bring forth the appropriate funds necessary."

"Well, that doesn't make sense; it contradicts your reason for doing medicine in the first place. Doesn't everyone whether rich or poor have the right to a life? A person shouldn't be deprived of their life just because they don't have the money available. Not everyone was blessed with our circumstances," I replied in disgust at what he just said.

"My dear, if I provided medical attention to those who cannot pay, then no one would want to pay. If it is that a poor man cannot pay for Medicare, then I'm sorry, but I can't help him. Think of it this way: His death will make space for the birth of another child. And really, what significance does a poor man have in the world? He's really just an unimportant person just taking up space that can be occupied by someone of more importance." My mouth dropped at this statement, and I glared back at him in disgust.

"And you call yourself and Christian!"

"Well, yes I do. Do you honestly believe that those poor heathens, with no upbringing, can possibly make it to heaven? They are worthless, can't pay a cent to the church. Their uncivilized behaviour and unclean standard of living are blasphemous in the eyes of God."

"Is that what they're teaching you? I'd have you know that some of he most humble people are the one who have least, the ones who struggle to provide for their families, yet somehow they find a reason to live, and that is their talents, their loved ones and their faith. I met one on Titanic, a wonderful man; he travelled and learnt by experience, took each day at a time, and humbled himself through his artwork. He was a fine artist, could have become quite famous one day had he survived. I happened to know quite a few that share his qualities as well."

"I'm assuming by those others you mean Kyle Carpenter." Again my mouth dropped, but this time with shock. How on earth could he know about anything in my personal life...unless Mother told him. Upon that realization, I glanced over at my mother who was conversing with Mr Jennings and both were stealing glances in our direction. I was on to her game. All thoughts of reconciling our differences flew out the window as I now realized that Mother was attempting to set my up with Derek. It was evident that she had told them about Kyle, more than likely lied about him in the process. I knew something couldn't be right when Mr Jennings commented that she had said such wonderful things about me.

"Ha, so what else did my mother take the liberty in telling you? What else did she have to say about Kyle?"

"Well, she did say that you'd get defensive on this subject. Well, it sure is clear to me that he certainly is having a bad influence on you. His middle class attitude has definitely rubbed off on you. He has you so blinded by his love charade that you can't even see that he's taking you on a rollercoaster ride. No man with respectability would dare attempting to take the innocence of a lady, especially one of a higher status than his own," he said in a superior manner.

"I see she has given you the story that I knew no better. She's a damn liar. And in any case, you wouldn't know the first thing about love. You are a shallow minded, loathsome bastard. And just for the record, my 'attitude' did not rub off from him, I got it from my father."

"Well, well, well, that right there is a perfect example of the fact that you are completely blinded, and your father was no example for you to follow either."

"You know nothing about my father!"

"I know enough to know that he was a drunkard, who treated is wife a servant and taught his children to behave the same way. She used to write my father in despair, sometimes even came to my home for comfort."

"Is that right? Ha-ha, well that gives me reason now to believe that my mother was having an affair with your father. I wouldn't be surprised, she always did want to leave my father. Did she tell you that she was the reason for his drinking? Did she tell you it was her fault that he drank himself to death?"

"Don't be ridiculous Lilly—"

"You will call me by Miss DeWitt Bukator! You are not my friend."

"I will refer to you as I please."

"Who do you think I am, your fiancée?"

"In fact, yes I do. Your mother specifically picked me out in hopes that I would charm you and marry you, and I, quite enthusiastically, agreed," he said with a haughty smile, then leaned in closer attempting to kiss me, but thankfully, before anything could happen, Kyle had pushed him away from me.

"Whoa! What on earth do you think you are doing?"

"Oh, well isn't this wonderful! Farm-boy has come to the rescue. I have a suggestion for you Kyle, why don't you do what is best for the both of you and leave her alone. You aren't good enough for her. You can't provide her with anything she's worth."

"I think Lilly can decide for herself who is and is not good enough for her, Derek!"

"Don't be ridiculous. Lilly is too naïve to realize that you're just playing her for a fool, tricking her into believing that you love her. All you can possibly offer her is a family of cows and some milk."

"He's not tricking me into anything. I know love when I see it, and no fortune in some bank is going to change my mind about it. I don't need money to make me happy, especially yours."

"Oh, is that what your beloved farm-boy is teaching you, that marriage is about love? Marriage isn't about love, marriage is a business, and I have made a deal with your mother to marry you, and I intend on going through with it. I'm not going to allow some child fantasy to get in my way, because I always win."

"My goodness, you sound just like Cal before I knocked a little sense into his head. You sicken me," and with that, I took Kyle's hand and turn to walk back to my group of friends, but Derek pulled me back around.

"Don't you dare turn away from me like that, you spoiled bitch!" he said, his face growing red with fury. I swung my hand at him in retaliation, and slapping him with a loud stinging noise, leaving a red print on his face, and turned again to walk off. He was obviously shocked that I had the nerve to strike him, but didn't hesitate to grab me once more. "Who the hell do you think you are striking me?"

"Let me go, you worthless bastard! I will strike anyone who attempts to harm me or control me. It is called self-defence, and is something that I practise regularly on jerks like you. I'm not your wife, and will never be, so don't you dare lay a finger on me!" As I turned again to walk away I saw Cal in a doorway near by, seemingly at his ready to get involved, but knowing that I could handle myself. This was the exact reason that Kyle had not yet stepped in to fight for me. I could see my mother looking on in shock and embarrassment, and Derek's father look on in a rage, as many other spectators gathered to find out what all the commotion was.

It seemed that Derek refused to accept defeat, because again he grabbed me spinning me around in a rage he had clearly picked up from his father, and struck me with what was more like a punch than a slap, and before I knew it I had tumbled to the floor. The pain I felt across my cheek and mouth had knocked me stupid for a few moments, and when I finally regained proper consciousness, I realized that Kyle had finally pounced oh Derek, threw him on the ground and was on top of him beating the living daylight out of him. I didn't bother to try to stop him, but Cal and Derek's father were quick to arrive on the scene.

"Get back, Kyle!" ordered Cal, with his hand out, while Mr Jennings helped his son off the floor. Kyle did as he was told, but clearly wanted to rip Derek to bits, so instead, he came to my aid. I was fine, though my face burned and I could feel it swelling. Kyle's nose was bleeding, but it wasn't broken, and his entire body was stiff. Judging from Mr Jennings's quarrelling, and the fact that my floor was splattered with blood, and Derek was holding his face and moaning in pain, made it clear to me that Kyle had broken Derek's nose, and I let out a giggle of ridicule, but that only drew Mr Jennings's attention from his son to me.

"And what is it that you think is so funny? No wonder your mother is so eager to get rid of you. You're a brat! How dare you reject my son, for this rat!" He said, inching forward on me.

"Your son wouldn't have ended up with a broken nose if he had simply accepted that I had rejected his offer. He's a fool, and it is quite obvious where he gets it from," I replied calmly, while giving him a piercing glare.

"I will not have you giving me lip, young lady."

"And I will not have you entering my house and disrespecting me and my friends. You and your son can burn in hell, for all I care!" I blurted deliberately to raise his blood pressure, and he grabbed me hand, but Cal, of course, intervened.

"Mr Jennings, don't you think Lilly has had enough for one day?"

"She's disrespected my son and me. She deserved what my son gave her!"

"You of all people should know that it is wrong to assault a person, especially a girl, and especially for something as minor as rejecting your son's proposal, Mr Jennings. You should be ashamed of your son's behaviour, as well as your own. I believe that she has that right to reject your son if she so chooses, and quite honestly, I believe that any man is better for Lilly than your son, including Mr Carpenter, even if he does raise cattle for a living. Now, if you don't mind, I think we'd all highly appreciate it if you would remove your hand from Lilly's wrist."

He didn't let go at first, but finally let go after one final, painful squeeze, and turned to Kyle, who was glowering at him.

"You'll have to pay for my son's medical expenses, you know."

"I'm aware of that."

"Good," he replied looking him up and down as though he were scum, then finally straightened his jacket and left with his son without uttering a word to my mother. I was furious with her. She hadn't come to my aid, the way most mothers would if a man struck their daughter; instead she stood back embarrassed and worried about herself rather than her daughter's pain.

Later that night, when the only guests left were the Hockleys and my grandparents, I decided it was time to let out my frustrations. I figured that it would turn into an intensely heat, foul worded row, especially with Jeremy there, but I didn't care. Mother had taken this too far; it was one thing to hate Kyle, but an even worse thing to attempt marrying me off to someone who treated me like dirt. It was high time that my grandparents also saw what she was doing to me, and surely they wouldn't approve; they hadn't approved Rose's engagement to Cal, knowing that Rose didn't really love him, so it shouldn't have been any different for me.

"Well, Ruth, I find it quite interesting that up to this moment, you haven't yet apologized for the mess you caused today. Quite frankly, I think you owe me one. And don't even start to blame me for the embarrassment!"

"Oh, now Lilly, I'm sure your mother had no intention of creating such a scene," said Mrs Hockley, sensing my tension.

"Mrs Hockley, I know that you are trying to lighten the situation, but honestly, have you not yet realized that she wants to get rid of me? She doesn't care about me, this is all about her! I am here now with a nasty bruise on my face because of a rude, disrespectful, pig-headed bastard, who decided it was his right to lay his hand on me! Is that the way a mother treats her child? Is that what you want for me; an abusive husband as opposed to someone who actually cares about me?"

"Lilly, it really wasn't my intention for that to happen," replied my mother with tears in her eyes.

"No, but it was your intention to sell me to an idiot! All of this is for money! And of all times the possible occasions, you chose Rose's memorial. Don't you think I've been through enough sorrow for one day?"

"Lilly, I wasn't trying to sell you off at all. He seemed like a nice boy and I thought maybe that you'd have liked him. I really didn't think that he'd hit you. But had you not retaliated like that he would never have hit you in the first place."

"Oh Mother, stop trying to defend him or yourself. That bastard attacked me from the moment I rejected him. Did you expect me to simply stand there and let him manhandle me, as though I was already his damn wife? I had to retaliate, and don't even begin to place any blame on Kyle either, because he was defending me and Cal was at his ready to defend me as well!" I added pointing at Cal. Mother couldn't reply knowing that I was right and probably recognized that I could never forgive her for what she'd done. "I can't believe that just today I actually considered reconciling things up to you. I can't believe that I was going to forgive you for everything up to today. What a mistake that would have been, since you obviously don't seem to want things to be right between us. No wonder this family has fallen apart, no wonder Father became an irresponsible drunk, no wonder Rose is dead, and no wonder I am a shrew to the rest of the upper class population. This is the very reason Rose tried to jump off the back of Titanic that day, just so you know. I couldn't tell you before, because I promised not to, but I can now. You should be thankful that Jack happened to be around, because I would have been too late."

"What do you mean by that? Why would Rose try to jump off the back of Titanic? And how is it her fault that Rose is dead?" asked my confused grandmother.

"You know why Granny. Rose never wanted the wedding to happen, and she didn't know how to get out of it, so she tried to commit suicide. Thank goodness Jack managed to convince her not to do it."

"My word! Who on earth is Jack?"

"The man who led her to her death," interjected Cal before I could answer. "He brainwashed her into believing she didn't love me, took her honour, and took her with him in the sinking." I could see Cal glaring at me for telling everyone what had really happened. I knew that he didn't want the truth to come out, but it had slipped in my anger and frustration.

"No offence to you darling, you are a wonderful man, really, but Rose never needed convincing that she didn't love you. She never did, but she was putting up with you for her mother's sake. I suppose she could no longer take the pressure. She was _so_ young, the poor girl," said Granny. Cal had obviously taken offence to that, but said nothing. Mr Hockley also seemed quite upset about the whole situation, Mrs Hockley seemed ready to cry, and Jeremy had a stupid grin on his face; he was quite enjoying the drama.

"Don't put the blame on your mother for Rose's death, Lilly; Rose was obviously stupid if she couldn't see that my brother was the best thing that had ever happened to her." My grandparents and I all glared at him, and I was obviously ready to pounce on him. Even his mother told him that that wasn't necessary, but he ignored her and continued. "You ought to respect your mother, Lilly. She was only doing what was best for everyone, and that is really to get rid of you. It's just surprising that Derek actually fought for you as hard as he did; the average man would have gladly given up," said he in his usual sarcastic tone.

"Shut up Jeremy! I'm really not in the mood for your smart comments," I replied in annoyance.

"You act as though everyone is always in the mood to hearing you ranting and raving about yourself."

"You can leave if you'd like; I'm not asking you to stay here. In fact, I'd love for you to leave, because every time you are in my presence, you sour the night, and make matters worse than they need to be. You love to instigate an even more heated quarrel." I replied coldly, inching forward on him, and also could see Mr Hockley sigh in annoyance at our bickering.

"Ha-ha, yes I do, you know me well, but you also love to take my quick-witted comments to heart and fight me instead of ignoring me; just another act to seek our attention. Ha-ha, you are drawing enough attention as it is; Mr Jennings has done a wonderful job of making you quite a bit uglier than you are usually! Anyway, how much worse can it get? I believe you've caused enough of a stir amongst us without me help." he replied only to infuriate me more, and in my anger I shoved him hard.

"That is enough, you two!" exclaimed Mr Hockley as he separated us. "I've had enough of your bickering. Jeremy, this is not about you, and you are only provoking her. What Rose did is a shame, but it is in the past. There is nothing we can do about it now, and there is no use in pointing fingers at anyone person for her death. I think it is about time that we leave, Karen. This is a matter for Lilly and Ruth to sort out amongst themselves." Mrs Hockley quickly came to me first, giving me a gentle hug, kissing my forehead, and looked at me sorrowfully.

"Take care of yourself darling. Don't believe that you are not loved, because you are, very much. Underneath all of the surfaced anger you are a wonderful girl. I know this because I've seen it. You have so much to offer and any man would be so lucky to have you. Don't take your mother's actions the wrong way; she only wants what is best for you, just as she did your sister. I'm sorry that things have turned out the way they have, for bother Rose and my son. I don't want you to believe that I am going to hate your sister or any one member of your family because of what has happened, though it is upsetting, because I know that a woman should follow her heart. Your mother loves you so much, believe me, she is incredibly grateful to still have you here, not matter how difficult it is for her to show it, or how different you two are. Goodnight dear," she said in a motherly tone, that calmed my nerves a bit. She was more a Mother to me than my own mother, and I was grateful to have her to talk to if I needed to.

"Caledon, will you be coming home tonight or staying here?" asked Mr Hockley.

"I'll stay here," he replied in a stern voice, and glanced at me, indicating that he was likely want to scold me for opening my mouth.

"Alright, well, goodnight everyone. Please do take care of yourselves," said Mr Hockley before stepping through the front door.

Once they had left I exited to my room before anyone could begin to talk to me. I was too upset with Mother, and truly didn't want to face Cal, knowing he would scold me. Once I had taken a bath and was settled in my bedroom I had my chambermaids attend to my bruised face, providing me with a new supply of ice every half hour, while I kept a towel of ice pressed against my face. My right cheeks was a mixture of purple and blue, and right side of my lips were swollen and hurting. I sat in one of my weaved chairs on my balcony in miserable thought for several hours watching the stars, wishing that my life could me different, wishing that all the misery, misfortune, and tears could disappear, wishing that Father could return; things were so much better, so much happier for me when he was around.

My train of thought was broken by the click of my door as it opened quietly, and I looked around to find that it was Cal, still awake, though it must have been nearing 1 A.M. I had heard him discussing the entire incident and had overheard him telling Mother that she had been wrong for picking someone like him, and also for doing it on a day like this. When he came in, I was afraid that he had come to scold me, but his features seemed to be without tension.

"I see you are still awake. I was expecting you to be asleep. I was just coming to check to see if you were alright," he said as he sat down in a chair next to mine.

"No, I'm awake. I have too much on my mind to sleep, not to mention that I am in pain." There was a moment of silence before I finally gathered up the correct word to say to Cal. "Cal,"

"Yes?" he said without looking at me.

"I'm sorry for telling everyone what had really happened. It just slipped out in my anger, I hadn't planned it."

"That is fine. I suppose that the truth would have come out at some point anyway. I was predominantly afraid that my father would have been disappointed in me, but I suppose I thought wrong. And I suppose I knew all along that she had tried to kill herself too. You don't need to apologize." I kept silent for a moment, still feeling horrible, but I accepted his forgiveness, and continued.

"Cal, I also want to thank you for defending me today. Not only for defending me, but Kyle as well. It really meant a lot to me."

"You're welcome, but know that I did not do this to defend Kyle. I said what I said because you had been wronged, and in all honesty, I'd rather see you with Kyle than with Derek, because I'd at least know that he would take care of you, and wouldn't dare lay a hand on you in the same manner as Derek, but my positions on Kyle will main the same." I sighed and lowered my gaze; my hopes that perhaps Cal recognized Kyle's true feelings for me had been broken just as quickly as they had developed.

"Well then, if you know that he cares about me, why is he not good enough for me? He makes me happy, Cal, at the end of the day he is the one who makes me feel as though my life has meaning. So why is it so wrong for me to love him?" I said, tears forming in my eyes.

"He can't give you the life you deserve. He can't provide you with a better life than you have now. He is not financially stable enough, Lilly."

"I don't see how material possessions and money can be more important that love. I want to be happy, Cal. I don't need to wear expensive dressed, wearing the most expensive jewels, attend the best parties, and have every freedom and luxury to feel happy. I just want to love and be loved in return."

"I know you want to be happy, Lilly, and believe me, I want to see you happy, and that is why I said what I said in his defence today. I couldn't stand back and watch Derek hurt you like that, and I can't allow you to get into a marriage where you will either kill him or kill yourself. At least, if you were to end up with Kyle, I'd know that you were in relatively good hands. Don't expect me to defend you every time though, because I won't. There are many wealthy men who are just as good hearted as Kyle is; that is what your mother wants for you." He finally decided to look at me just as he finished his sentence. In his eyes I could see a brightness that was only visible when he was being sincere. For once, he actually seemed to care for someone else's best interests, rather than just his own. "You don't seem to realize how many people in this world care about you, Lilly. You are loved, very much; not even Jeremy can deny that he somewhat cares about you."

"Ballocks!" I exclaimed with a disbelieving laugh. "Jeremy doesn't care about me in the least."

"No, actually, he does. I know my brother. He wouldn't push your buttons like that unless he cared for you in one way or another; otherwise he'd completely disregard your existence." I giggled again in disbelief for a moment before my smile faded. If everyone cared so much about me, then why was it coming across that their intention was to ruin my life? Attempting to marry me off to someone I didn't know or love certainly wasn't what I called caring about me…or was I just rejection their opened arms? I was confused, stuck between my rebellious emotions and everyone else, and wasn't sure which way to turn. As tears began to well up in my eyes Cal took hold of my hand, and pulled me out of my seat and into his lap.

"Ah, there's no need for tears. What are you crying about?"

"I don't know what to do. I feel as though the whole world is against me, but you and everyone else says differently. If everyone cares so much, why can't I see it? Why can't I feel it?"

"You will understand in time. You're still young, only 16. When I was 16 I know I felt the same way; rebellious and misunderstood, but as I got older I began to understand what my parents had been telling me all along. It comes with maturity. The more you see, the more you learn. I'm not saying that you aren't mature for your age, because you are, but you still have quite a bit more growing to do. Even I have my drawbacks." There was a pause in his speech, when he began intertwining his fingers with mine. I didn't know why he was doing it, but I liked it and hence didn't stop him. He kissed my hand gently before continuing, and surprisingly, my heart didn't skip a beat. "Don't try to rush your life Lilly, don't get tied up in any serious relationships, and don't make promises you aren't likely to keep. You'll end up getting hurt."

I looked away from him, quite fed up of hearing any suggestions to change my mind about my relationship with Kyle. I could feel his eyes scanning me, reading my mind through me expressions. When he realized that I wouldn't look back at him, he pulled my face back toward him, but in the processes, pressed his hand down on the swollen side of my face.

"OW! Damn you!" I roared in pain, slapping his hand away, and lean over in pain, clasping my cheek.

"Oh my goodness, I'm sorry. I forgot," he said, grabbing the towel of ice I had set down in my chair and placing on my cheek. After making sure I was securely holding the ice to my face, he picked me up in both arms, despite my rebellion, and carried me to my bed. Once he had tucked me in, and again made sure that I kept the ice against my cheek, he brushed aside the locks of my hair that were falling in my face, and asked me if there was anything else that I needed before going to sleep. When I shook me head in decline, he gave me a long kiss on my forehead.

"Goodnight, Lilly."

"Goodnight," I replied, expecting him to simply leave me after switching off my bedside lamp, but instead I felt his lips press against mine for a split second before he left. I hadn't had any time to react before he shut the door behind him, and I was left in utter shock and disbelief that he had such nerve, yet I bit my bottom lip yearning for another one. This was the second time he'd kissed me so unexpectedly, and the second time that it felt so perfect.

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: OMG i am so sorry this took so long to upload. I have been really busy with university application stuff, and wih work, and I am in a play, so the days I'd normally have free, I was also busy in rehersal or in the actual show. Not only that, but I've been suffering with some pretty crappy writers block, so i hope i have pulled off a good chapter for you guys, hope i haven't disappointed anyone. I am praying that my mind will be up and running properly for the next chapter, and hopefully it will be up by the end of this month. I am going to canada for a few days next week to enroll in my university courses, so i guess i will have a little extra time on my hands to think about what is coming next. so far most things that happen are pretty random thoughts. i have the basic ideas, and i build around them, so that's another reason it is taking me so long to write the chapters; i have to build on random thoughts, and watch the movie over and over and over again, lol. feel free to review with any ideas you may have in mind. your ideas and views would be highly appreciated. -LeeLee-**


	12. Chapter 12

Lilly's Memoir

Chapter 12— Realization of a Brutal Truth

The following day at my exam tutorial classes, my mind couldn't stay on my work at all. My thoughts were drifting consistently to the kiss Cal had given me the night before. I wasn't talking to anyone much, indicating that something was obviously wrong, but most people simply thought that it must have been Rose's memorial that was still affecting me. None of my friends asked me what the matter was, not even Kyle.

The thing that was bothering me was that I had committed my life to Kyle no matter what, and I wasn't about to allow myself to fall out of love with him, over Cal. It had to stop; Cal would have to stop giving me kisses, and stop giving me comforting glances, or showing me kind gestures. Whether or not I wanted to admit it, I liked every minute of it, and was getting too comfortable with it, which was precisely the reason it needed to stop. What was Cal trying to do? Was he trying to seduce me after all? A kiss on the lips couldn't possible mean nothing. I'd never seen a kiss on the lips that wasn't done out of lust or love; I'd never even seen him kiss Rose on the lips, for goodness sake!

That afternoon, when Kyle was walking me to Cal mansion after class, I had made up my mind to confront Cal, to give him a piece of my mind, and make it stop before it could get out of hand. For most of the walk I hadn't noticed, until he commented, that Kyle had been constantly stepping up his pace to keep up with me, because I had been walking fast, eager to get home.

"What's gotten into you today?"

"What do you mean?" I asked in confusion without shifting my glance from the road ahead of me.

"In school, you kept a scowl on face all day, you hardly spoke to anyone, paid no attention in class, and now you're speeding home as though there is no tomorrow. Slow Down!" He exclaimed, taking hold of my hand to stop me from walking.

"OW! What did you do that for?"

"Slow down, damn it. You clearly haven't heard a word I just said. What on earth is on your mind that has you behaving so antisocial?" I sighed, unsure of how I was supposed to tell him what I was feeling. I couldn't possible tell him about the kiss or he'd most definitely want to rip Cal's head off. "Come on, what is the matter?"

"It's nothing."

"Yes it is, and I'm not letting you go until you explain to me what is wrong. I know it has nothing to do with Rose, so what is your problem?"

"Okay, fine, I'm just feeling miserable from yesterday's incident. I know people were wondering why the right side of my face is swollen, although the swelling has gone down significantly that's to the buckets of ice I had to use, and I was feeling self-conscious."

"That's it? You've been brushing everyone off because of a silly bruise on your face. I'm not buying it. There's more to it than you're telling me."

"No there isn't. Now can I go home now?" I said, turning away from him, but he pulled me back.

"What is it Lilly?" he asked, this time holding me by the shoulder. I didn't want him to find the truth in my eyes so I looked away form him, but he didn't hesitate to pull my face back to his. 'Look at me. Why aren't you telling me? Whatever it is, maybe I can help. Just tell me what is on your mind…please?"

"I'm just irritated. Everyone claims that they care about me so much, yet it seems as though the world is against me. Everyone continuously pushes the idea that I should abandon the thought of us, and think about a proper courtship."

"And you're actually considering it!"

"No, of course not! How could you even presume that I'd break my promise to you? I'm sticking to my promise; I'm going to marry you and that is final."

"Well then, why are you allowing it to bother you to much?"

"It's just so upsetting. I don't want my mother to do something stupid, like send me away to university in England to find a suitable husband…unless, you come with me!"

"Actually that wouldn't work out either."

"Why not, are you not going to university to study business? We could lie and claim you are going somewhere here, but you really go to the same university that I go to, we get married and come back and surprise them!"

"Well that would be a good idea if I were still going to university."

"What? Why aren't you still going?"

"Well, it is official, as of today, I am taking over my father's business. In his Will he handed it straight to me, so his second in command will be in charge until I finish school, when I can finally take over."

"Really? But Kyle, that's fantastic! You own your own business before your 17th birthday! You don't even have to study business; you're jumping right into it. First hand experience is always the best experience."

"Yeah…I suppose it is. I plan to go nationwide, rather than just state-wide, that should help with exposure and profits."

"Of course. I'm so proud of you, Kyle, this is wonderful news."

We continued our walk home more slowly than before, talking about Kyle's plans for the dairy business. I took particular interest knowing that he was going to suggest these identical plans to his father before he died, but never got around to. He told of his plans to produce a wider variety of dairy products, such as differently prepared cheeses, yogurts, and chocolate. He even told me that he was thinking of keeping the bulls to sell as meat, and the cows for milk, until they reached a certain age. His plans sounded fascinating, and I was surely hoping that he would eventually reach his goal.

But none of these great ideas took Cal's kiss off my mind. I was still determined to lay the cards out on the table as I reached inside the house, which was exactly as I did. I entered the house in a rage, pushing passed the servants yelling Cal's name, although I knew he was closed inside his office working.

"Cal!" I yelled as I banged on his door and entered before he could even approve my entry. He seemed quite taken aback by my entrance, but I quickly saw the flames develop in his eyes as the anger flared up in him.

"Lilly, I am working! What if I had been doing business with someone professional in here, as you stormed in? You can't just barge in here like that! What is wrong with you?"

"What was that about!" I exclaimed, slamming my hands down on his document cluttered desk.

"What was what about?"

"That kiss!"

"What kiss!"

"Don't play stupid with me Cal! The one you gave me last night." He looked at me almost blankly, although I knew he knew exactly what I was talking about. "The one you gave me after you turned off the lamp last night; what was that about?"

"Oh for goodness sake Lilly, that meant nothing," he said, brushing me off.

"Really Cal? I don't call a kiss on the lips a meaningless kiss!"

"Well, that is where we differ. Growing up, that was quite customary in my family."

"Give me a break Cal. What are you trying to do? Seduce me so that I would give up Kyle? Because if that is in fact the case then you can simply forget it!"

"Ha-ha, don't be absurd, Lilly. As I said yesterday Lilly, 'If I wanted to seduce you, I'd have done it already.' Why on earth would I seduce you to get you away from Kyle if I'm quite capable of other, more effective means? Ha-ha, I wouldn't seduce you. What sort of man would I be if I were to seduce my dead fiancée's sister, especially against her will? I am a man of dignity, who takes pride in living honestly, not someone from the lower class with no values."

"Sure you are! That's why you make a living through bribes, and are disloyal to your so-called friends simply to make an extra dollar. Wow Cal, you really are a dignified, honest man indeed." I said sarcastically, placing my hands on my hips and looking at him in disgust. I could tell that Cal wanted to burst with anger, but knew that I would just fire back.

"You know what Lilly; I've had enough of this. I am busy; I have a lot of work to do. So if you don't mind—"

"Cal, it has got to stop. I don't want you kissing me again, especially on my lips, is that understood?"

"Lilly, I have no time for this nonsense or your immaturity. "

"Answer me, damn it! Is that understood?"

"For the last time Lilly, any kiss I give you means little to nothing at all, and I am sticking by my story. I am not going to make promises to you for something that is all in your mind."

"This is not all in my mind!" I bellowed in disbelief.

"Yes it is Lilly. Perhaps you want the case to be that I am seducing you because you don't want to admit that you are, in fact, falling for me."

"How dare you even suggest that I'd fall for you! I'd marry a horse before even dreaming of marrying you!"

"Good, at least we have that cleared up," he commented with loathe in his voice. "So, if that is all, would you please leave me to my work? This useless argument has set me behind, and I'm not prepared to miss my deadline over something stupid."

"Of course, nothing is more important that Caledon Hockley's business deals," I replied rolling my eyes in disgust. His glare was piercing and I knew that if it weren't a crime, he'd want to strangle me.

"Well yes, you're quite right; nothing is more important than my business. Now would you please leave?"

"Cal, I'm not finished—"

"Well, I do believe that I am. I refuse to discuss this nonsense any further!" He yelled in absolute exasperation, as he rose from his seat and literally dragged me out of the room by my ear, quarrelling with me as he pushed me out, and slammed the door behind him. I was infuriated and began quarrelling outside the door, but attempting to reopen the door proved that he had locked it behind him. My frustration became so overwhelming at that point, that I lost my temper and kicked the door with as much force I could possibly stir.

"ARGH!" I screamed before turning on my heals and storming down the hall toward my bedroom. From behind me I heard Cal storm out of his office and begin yelling after me.

"What the hell is wrong with you! Get back here, Lilly! You have left a dent in my door!"

"I don't care! You should have thought first before you decided to drag me by my ear!"

"You were being a brat, as usual; it was a punishment well deserved! That doesn't give you right to kick in my door. This is not your property, and not your house, and I will not tolerate your adolescent tantrums under my roof!"

"Well kick me out then!" I yelled back as I continued toward the bedroom that I occupied every weekend.

"Quit giving me cheek, Lilly!"

"I'll quit giving you cheek if you will quit being an infuriating bastard!" I yelled just as I entered my room, slamming the door behind me, and began thrashing around. "ARGH, I hate that man!" Just then Cal came bursting through the door.

"I wouldn't doubt that you hate me, probably just as much as I loathe you right now! How on earth am I being a bastard? You are the one who came bursting into my office in a rage over something as petty as a kiss." In anger I picked up one of the perfume bottles on my dresser and pelted it at him, hitting him square in the chest. This action only angered him more than he already was, and he strode over to me grabbing hold of me by the arms, and giving me a heavy shake. "My goodness, this is exactly the shit I'm talking about! You have fits over nothing! I'm just angry that you kicked a hole in my door and frustrated because I was unnecessarily disturbed from my work. This could have been discussed at a more appropriate time. But of course, Lilly Bertha DeWitt Bukator must be so bloody selfish and have everything her damn way! This is why your mother is god damn hard on you; because you behave like a rotten child with no proper upbringing!"

"I am selfish? How about you Cal? You've done thousands of selfish things in your life that I wouldn't dream of doing! Your famous words are _'I always win one way or another'_, yet you say that I am _oh so selfish_. All you had to do was tell me that you wouldn't kiss me again, and I would have been happy."

"I told you that it meant nothing, Lilly, and you continued to oppose me and turned it into something it didn't need to be!"

"You expect me to simply let it go just because Caledon Hockley says to? I am not that easy, Cal and you know that. You still haven't promised me that you won't do it again, damn it! What am I supposed to think when this wasn't the first time that you've done that, and when you've made advances on me so many times previously? Whether or not it meant anything I want it to stop!"

"Fine, I'll admit; there were a few times that you reminded me of your sister, and yes I did want to kiss you, but most times they are simply me showing you affection, meaningless," he said looking somewhat defeated, but still exasperated.

"Exactly, and it needs to stop. You make me feel uncomfortable."

"Fine, if that is what you want I'll stop showing you any sort of affection, since you obviously don't what me to show that I care for you. You are the most confusing girl I have ever encountered; one minute you are telling me that I am a bastard for not being caring enough to you or your sister, and then when I begin to show you any affection you reject it. There is no pleasing you, is there? Goodness, you can be excessively selfish sometimes! For once in your bloody life, be grateful! If that is how you going to behave then don't even begin to expect me to defend you in your battles anymore. If you get yourself into a mess, you can find your own way out; don't even bother to turn to me for help!" He said, glaring after me as he stormed out of my room and back to his office.

What he had just said struck me like a brick. As I shut the door and slid down to the floor, I realized that I had just pushed Cal away. It wasn't my intention to suggest that I didn't want his support or friendship; I just didn't want him to kiss me. I spent the next three days thinking, wondering whether Cal had been telling me the truth, or if I was overreacting. He and I hadn't spoken at all, as much as I sometimes wanted to, and I didn't know how to approach him, or apologize to him, or if I even should apologize to him at all. I kept thinking again and again about his words: _'Perhaps you want the case to be that I am seducing you because you don't want to admit that you are, in fact, falling for me.'_; could he be right? Was I really beginning to fall for him on my own free will, was it simply an infatuation, or was he using reverse psychology? It was true that I was physically attracted to him, he was a fantastic kisser, and definitely someone you wanted to hug…but this didn't mean that I was falling in love with him…not over Kyle. But then why did I sometimes get butterfly sensations in my stomach even just by seeing him smile? There were only a few girls I could confide these thought in, which is exactly what I did.

"I am so excited for our graduation; I'm getting my dress custom made!" exclaimed Hannah joyfully as we walked home from school.

"And who exactly to you have to show it off to? Your father isn't even allowing you a proper escort," said Anna-Belle, rolling her eyes. "I'm only excited because I'd be finished with Mrs Hamilton. She never did enjoy my presence. My concern is not the fancy dresses, tuxedos, and popular dances, or escorts for that matter, because my parents promised to take me to Italy for the summer holiday."

"Boast, why don't you? Some of us are not quite as lucky as you are, and can only look forward to the party aspect of graduating. Hopefully I will meet the man of my dreams in the process."

"Ha-ha, don't be ridiculous Hannah, unless you want to steal someone else's escort. Then what would people think of you?"

"Oh for Pete's sake, a woman can dream, can't she?" replied Hannah, as everyone laughed, except me. Usually I had the most prominent laugh out of all of us, which made it quite noticeable to the other girls that I hadn't been paying much attention to their conversation at all.

"Lilly, what is the matter?" asked Clarisse.

"Cal…"

"What has he done this time that has you so worked up?"

"I don't know if you've noticed, but I've notice that he has increasingly been behaving very strangely around me, especially since the sinking."

"Well, I have noticed that you two are rather closer than you used to be, but I haven't been taking much notice of it. Perhaps he has put a value on your life since that tragedy. It must have traumatized him," said Hannah, obviously not understand the seriousness of the situation.

"Well, strange in what way exactly? What has he been doing? Give us something to work with," said Charlotte, seeing my incredulous expression.

"He's becoming a lot more physical with me. He's hugging me more, spending much more time with me, defending nearly all my actions…he actually takes my advice these days, when it comes with his pathetic business."

"And you are complaining because?" asked Anna-Belle, shaking he head in confusion.

"It is disturbing me! I'm beginning to wonder whether he is attempting to replace my sister with me."

"Or perhaps he has simply realized since the sinking that you are in fact a good person, and no one to be his arch enemy."

"That is what you'd think, because you haven't seen the way he is progressively moving. If you knew all the things he's said to me, the way he's treated me, and the things he's done to me, then you'd say differently!"

"What has he been doing then? You make it sound as though the man has been sexually assaulting you."

"Well, it all began before we even went to Europe…" and I continued to tell them the story, all the details of how he'd been attempting to get on my good side, all the times he'd ignored me just to get on my wrong side. I told them of all the rows, all the fighting and tackling, and finally the increasing tenderness he'd been showing me. Each of them gasped when I told them of the kiss Cal had given me on the Carpathia, but instead of being disgraced, they were more interested in finding out what it was like. After scolding them I continued to tell them about his attempted advances and the unexpected kiss only half a week prior. "We haven't spoken since I confronted him. He continues to give me the cold shoulder anytime we are in the same room."

"Well what do expect if you accuse him in that fashion?" said Charlotte.

"Don't tell me that you actually believe that he is innocent?"

"In fact, I do. I think that you, Lilly, are overreacting."

"My goodness, Charlotte! What part of a kiss on the lips is plutonic? Please tell me, because I'd really love to know, then perhaps I would stop accusing Cal!"

"I can defend him in that sense, because that is quite normal in my family. Half of my family is Russian and that is part of our culture, and I also know quite a few other people who share a similar culture. It is a matter of knowing the difference between passionate kissing and a meaningless one."

"Fine, maybe that one was plutonic, but what about the one on the Carpathia? You can't possibly claim that meant nothing; after all, he made me promise I wouldn't leave him."

"Well, I can't say for sure what was meant by that one, but I think that he was just off his head at that point. He'd just 'lost' his fiancée, and it drove him insane for a while. That is nothing abnormal. If Kyle had had that fate, you would have reacted similarly. I suppose that you do sometimes in fact remind him of your sister, and he has his moments, but I can't say that that is his intention. That certainly is not the impression I am getting."

"Good Lord, that is ridiculous."

"No, actually I completely agree with Charlotte," said Clarisse, followed by agreeing nods from Hannah and Anna-Belle. I rolled my eyes in disbelief. How could my friends defend Cal and not me?

"You girls are the WORST friends a girl can possibly have!"

"Well is that not why you love us so much?" said Charlotte stupidly, and I couldn't help but blurting out a small laugh.

"You damn well know it, that's why you take advantage of it."

"Well, you did ask us to be honest about our opinions, so in reality we've done you a favour. In any case, you can't deny that some part of you wants that man, no matter how much you love Kyle. What woman in the Philadelphia society, young and old, doesn't wish they could have a chance with Caledon Hockley? He's the most desired man in town. You really should consider yourself lucky."

"Ha-ha, speak for yourselves. If any of you only knew him the way I do, you'd think differently. That man has some severe issues, and is selfish like no other. If he doesn't get what he wants he is comparable to a 2 year old when his mother doesn't allow him to play with his favourite toy." I replied, laughing at the stupidity of charlotte's suggestion.

"Oh come on Lilly, how bad can he be? I'm sure he is no different to any other man," said Clarisse.

"Okay fine, I'll admit that he is very, very handsome, has a gorgeous smile, always smells good, is a fantastic kisser, and hugs like a god, but that doesn't mean that I want him, because Kyle is so much better."

"So you do admit that part of you wants him!" exclaimed Charlotte as the other burst into laughter

"I don't want him! Why would I want him, when I have a perfectly perfect relationship with Kyle?"

"Well then, Lilly, if you won't take him, then I'd gladly have my way with him."

"Have fun Charlotte. I wish you luck on that one," I said laughing, knowing that Cal wasn't quite as easy to impress as anyone thought; when he wasn't interested, he most certainly, without a doubt, was not interested, and wasn't' afraid to make it known.

As the week continued, all through my first week of final examinations, my mind was filled with thoughts on the conversation I had had with the girls. Could they possibly be right that I was over exaggerating, or that a part of me surely did want to ditch Kyle for Cal? It had never really occurred to me how attracted to Cal I actually was. I'd denied it so much that I had in fact been able to convince myself that I truly didn't want him…but that couldn't possibly explain why it was that Cal gave me butterflies, or why I would get jealous if his attention was set on someone else and not me. It surely didn't explain why I loved to get hugs from him, or how much I truly enjoyed kissing him, or even how I actually loved to pick a good fight with him. Finally, as the weekend arrived, I had faced facts that I did have a strange infatuation with Cal, but that my 'no kissing' policy would still be in effect. I concluded that I should apologize to Cal, and set the record straight: If I were to promise to stop throwing temper tantrums on him, then he would have promise to never kiss me, only hugs were allowed. I couldn't afford to have a stupid infatuation with a man, more than a decade my senior, destroy a love that could last a lifetime.

That Friday, as always I went straight to Cal's house once school was over, and of course, Cal was closed behind his office door. The dent from my kick remained there, and I looked at it in disbelief; I had really lost my temper quite badly to have been able to kick a hole in the door, and I felt a twinge of embarrassment as I knocked on his door. I opened without getting approval, but this time I thought it appropriate to simply pop my head in rather than burst in.

"Hi…" I said shyly. "Is it okay if I come in, or are you busy? Because, if you are busy, then we can talk later."

"I am busy…" he replied without taking his eyes off his work, so I proceeded to exit, but he stopped me, "…but, since you are being polite, and are not in a monstrous rage, I am willing to take a short break." I eased my way in, and closed the door behind me before finally laying my eyes on him. '_God! What is wrong with me!' _was all I could think as my heart gave a lurch; he was looking astonishing, his gaze on me was soft, and a few strands of hair were falling in his face…and white was definitely his colour.

"Well, that was exactly what I came to talk about. I'm really sorry about the way I acted the other day…sometimes I take my emotions overboard…and I'm sorry about your door."

"Hmm, I was wondering whether or not this day would come at all," he said, gazing at me with a stunned glare. "…but your apology is accepted. I suppose I too am to blame for you reaction, because I can't lie and say that I didn't provoke you; so I hope you will accept my apology."

"No, that's alright. I had a lot of time to think about what happened and I realized that perhaps I was being too harsh, and misinterpreted your intentions. I wanted to apologize earlier, but with my examinations, I was busy, and I was also rather nervous. I wasn't sure if you'd accept my apologies or not; every time I saw you, I felt as though you were giving me the cold shoulder."

"Well, that is the same way I felt about you; I was keeping my distance to avoid conflict. So I suppose we were both unsure of how to approach the next. In fact, I am still quite unsure how to approach you."

I giggled before I walked up to his desk, "Well, after rethinking it a bit, I have come to the conclusion that you may hug me, but the kissing rule remains in place."

"I see…so, not even a kiss on the cheek?" he asked, almost begging me not to be so extreme, and I sighed in thought before I replied.

"Fine, a kiss on the cheek is fine, but nowhere else! Do we have a deal, Mr Big Businessman? After all, business is your area of expertise." I said with my hand stretched out in order that he might shake it upon agreeing, and so he did, pulling me around his desk to hug me. I remained convinced that Cal was attempting to replace Rose with me, but I supposed that these were temporary emotions that he would eventually get over, and find someone who could fill that void. But for now, I felt that I could live with his tenderness; it certainly was a change that I could handle.

"Sooo, I expect you are excited for your graduation," he said as he sat me in his lap.

"I still have another week of examinations, Cal."

"Well, that doesn't mean you can't look forward to graduating, after all, you will be finished school, and ready to start a whole new life, ready to take on the world as a new woman."

"Well, yes, I guess I am looking forward to it, but I'm not sure how different life will be, or if it will change at all. What will I do with my free time?"

"Well, you can focus more on your singing, and perhaps even beginning a career in music; make a name for yourself."

"Like Mme Aubart, I suppose, but that won't be quite different, will it?"

"Yes, I believe you can say that. I think you might get the opportunity to travel more, you could be known as far as Europe perhaps; that would certainly be different. But you are forgetting that very soon you will be at a ripe age to marry, and that will most definitely change your life."

"Ha-ha, don't even begin that marriage talk; it'll only create sour feelings."

"As you wish, my dear. As much as I am enjoying this Lilly, I really must remove you from my office now," he said light heartedly, and I giggled.

"Of course, you must continue coming up with more clever ideas to lure people into your business cons. Don't worry to have me removed, I'll see myself out," and with that I left on a much happier note, but as the day grew to night, my thoughts on graduation grew. Usually one would be excited about graduating and beginning a new chapter in their lives, but for me there was something missing…my father. My father had passed just a couple months before my 16th birthday, nearly a year ago, and hence my dreams as a child were shattered. He place a gigantic role in my upbringing and was such a significant figure in my life, and I had always looked forward to sharing the Father/Daughter dance with him at my graduation and wedding, but I was never going to have that opportunity.

Later that night, as I attempted to sleep in order to be refreshed for dress shopping with my mother the following morning, I heard a tap on my door and knew it could only be Cal.

"I came to tell you goodnight," he said quietly as he made his way in with a glass of brandy at hand.

"A brandy just before you go to sleep…interesting."

"It helps me sleep when I have a lot on my mind; it is a stress reliever."

"I should try that."

"No you shouldn't; you begin to depend on it…alcohol and cigarettes are extremely addictive."

"Well, I definitely know the effects of alcohol quite well." I gave him a small smile as he knelt down at my bedside. "Cal, the topic of graduation has been on my mind all day, and after heavy thinking, I have a request to make."

"A request?" he asked in confusion.

"Yes…well, you know that at these graduation parties, the first dance is always a Father/Daughter dance. Growing up I always looked forward to being able to dance with my father at my graduation and at my wedding; Rose had the opportunity to dance with Father at her graduation just before he died, but of course I will never get that chance. I don't want to be the only girl to sit back and watch as all the other girls share that moment."

"How do you know that you will be the only girl?"

"I've known these girls for the majority of my life, and all of them still have their fathers, or step fathers in some cases. I am the only one without a father to share that moment with. So, I was wondering if you would do me the honour of coming in his place." Cal was silenced by my request for a moment, fairly shocked that I'd turned to him for such a favour, but soon gave me a positive answer.

"Of course. I wasn't initially planning of attending, because I thought you ought to make the best of it, but if that is what you want, I will surely attend."

"You don't have to do this if you don't want to; it's just that it would mean a lot to me."

"Don't be absurd Lilly; you might not be the sweetest candy and might be intractable sometimes, but that doesn't mean that you should be deprived of something that would make you happy. You were close to your father, and I understand how important this is to you. That night is about you and you deserve to get what you want." Tears began to fill my eyes; Cal had no idea how important it was to me. All I could do was thank him with a hug, because I was practically speechless. He eventually got up to make his leave, but half way to the door he turned back to me with an expression of utter perplexity.

"What?" I asked, bemused by his bemusement.

"Frankly, I am quite flattered that you would pick me of all people to take your father's place, but why would you choose me?"

I was quite unprepared for this question and quite honestly I wasn't sure myself why I had chosen Cal. "That is a good question. I guess after everything that has happened in the passed few months, I think I have come to appreciate you more and more. There is something about you that I can connect with, like we have an understanding of one another. I suppose that is a trait my father used to have."

"Well, like I said, I am quite flattered, and in fact happy that I have finally managed to get on your good side, even if we do have frequent disagreements…at least you can see some good in me, and not just a villainous character."

"I always knew it was there, I just wanted to see it, and I am glad that I do, believe me."

Cal gave me a docile smile and a slight nod before wishing me a good night, "I'll see you in the morning," and with that he left, shutting the door quietly behind him.

**Author's Note: Hey everyone, thanks for the reviews, I am glad that you are liking my ideas thus far, and hope that i can keep up the good work. The reviews drive me to write the next chapter, especially when I am suffering with writer's block. Anyhoo, if any of you guys or on Myspace, feel free to send me your URLs in the reviews or something( for some reason my URL isn't showing up here...which sucks), it'd be cool to virtually meet those reading my story. I'll try puttingmy URLon my profile. Laterz**


	13. Chapter 13

**Lilly's Memoir**

**Chapter 13— Graduation**

The next week and a half came and went quite faster than I'd expected until it was finally the evening of our graduation. Our school had rented out the dancehall of Kennywood Amusement Park for the evening; which was quite a popular night spot at that time. I was blown away upon entrance, by the brilliance of the decor, put together with an explosion of blues, green, pinks, purples and any other colour you could imagine, with different blends of intertwining ribbons, and balloons were everywhere. The hall was dimly lit with antique lanterns, and candles on the dining tables. All the tables were dressed with crisp, clean white cloths; the china was the expensive kind and immaculately designed, and the crystal champagne glasses were spotless and glistened beautifully in the candle light. It was clear that a great deal of preparation and work went into making the hall fit for royalty; after all the vast majority of the attendants at my school were of the great upper class and knew nothing else but money and endless luxuries.

Everyone that night had dressed for the occasion, from the richest to the least wealthy, with tuxedoes, loud flowing gowns, corsages, and tiaras. Everyone was on a natural high, and champagne, wine and brandy were flowing, as Scott Joplin tunes were played in the background. Tonight I actually felt beautiful; I was wearing a stunning soft pink dress, made of a loose fabric, outlining ever womanly curve I had to offer. It was lined at the top with a fuchsia material, where two strings made a V around my neck, and two fuchsia ribbons of material trailed from the back of neck, long enough to reach the ground but they were to wrap around my arms similar to a shawl. Just beneath my bosom, the same fuchsia fabric trailed from the middle of my back, to fasten in a knot with floor-length tails at my front. My curls were pinned up into a collection of twists and turns, to resemble an Elizabethan hairstyle, with a couple ringlets falling by my ears and at the back of my neck.

"Ah, well if it isn't Mr Caledon Hockley!" came a voice from behind us, while Cal, Mother and I were socializing with the other guests.

"Mr Hutchins! How are you?" said Cal as he realized who the voice came from. "Ruth, meet Mr Nicholas Hutchins. He is a long time friend of my father's. I had, in fact, forgotten that his youngest daughter, here, was in this school."

I followed Cal's hand to a young face before me, and immediately my taste buds went numb and my mood grew sour. He was referring to Eleanor Pricilla Hutchins; the one girl I had despised from early in my schooling career, for her bigheadedness. She was one of the most stuck up of all the richest in the school, and one of the most jealous people I had ever known; she'd made some horrible remarks about Rose due to her engagement to Cal.

"Oh Cal, it is such a pleasure to see you tonight. I wasn't expecting to see you here tonight. I was expecting that Lilly would have shown up with that boy, Kyle, but I see she's finally settled for better…or did Kyle see the light?"

"Oh no, Ellie, I'm not Lilly's escort. Mr Carpenter just hasn't arrived as yet. I've come in place of her father, at her request," said Cal before I could shoot back, knowing that I would be ready to strike her in her boldness.

"Oh wonderful, well I'll be sure to steal a dance from you before the night is over."

"Not a problem, of course, unless your father disagrees?"

"Oh not at all! I'd rather my daughter dance with someone I know and trust, than with just any old lad. It must be so difficult for you, Mrs DeWitt Bukator, having lost both your husband and your daughter in such a short space or time. My condolences to you both."

"Thank you. It has been quite tough to handle, but I have Lilly, and the Hockleys have really been very empathetic. They have supported us right through."

"And we will continue to support you. It was a blow on all of us, of course, seeing as Rose and I were to be married this month," said Cal as he lowered his gaze, and I placed my hand on his back.

"It's such a shame; you would have made such a wonderful couple," said Eleanor with an air of sarcasm in her voice. "But I'm quite sure there is someone else out there for you, who is just as wonderful as Rose." I rolled my eyes at her stupidity, knowing that she was referring to herself, but I held my tongue on the matter as I was in the presence of her father.

The conversation continued for another 20 minutes, forcing me to endure Eleanor's nagging, conceited and bold comments. Her deliberately obvious moves on Cal caused my blood to boil, and I felt the fuse inside me growing shorter and shorter. I found myself jealous, but I knew that she had no chance with Cal; he was cautiously brushing her off, so as not to offend her father. I could tell he was somewhat uncomfortable with her kissing up to him; his grip on my hand became firmer, and my name seemed to escape his mouth more and more frequently, giving me reason to wear a smug smirk on my face as her distasteful eye blazed into mine with each mention, and I enjoyed every last minute of it.

Soon enough, dinner was announced, and we unfortunately were forced to sit with the Hutchins, as Mr Hutchins couldn't seem to stop talk for even a minute with all his stories and jokes. Everything seemed perfect on the outside, other than the absence of Kyle. It was time for dinner and neither he nor his mother were anywhere in site. My concern was quite evident as my attention span was very short and my eyes continually darted around the room. What could possibly be keeping him?

"Oh dear, are you worried that your darling Kyle won't show? I am afraid I've warned you on several occasions that that boy was no good, but you never took heed. Shame," said Eleanor pitilessly, as she raised her glass of champagne to take a sip.

"I assure you, Eleanor, Kyle will show. He's a working man, and has business to attend to before he can attend social events."

"Of course, after all, cow tipping must be quite an exhausting job."

"Oh stop it Eleanor, how many times must I tell you to behave yourself! I'm quite sorry Lilly, I'm quite sure your escort will turn up soon," said Mr Hutchins…at least he had some decency.

"Of course I would show," said a familiar voice behind me, and immediately a grin came upon my face as Eleanor sent a deathly glare of defeat in my direction. "You don't honestly believe I'd leave the most beautiful young woman in this room hanging, especially on a night like this, do you? I mean, honestly, that would be embarrassing for her, and not to mention, complete unmannerly and un-gentlemanly of me," said Kyle, chuckling in a fashion that mirrored his father. "I do hope these seats are empty; I shall gladly like to joy you at dinner," he asked, referring to the two conveniently empty seats to my left. As he sat, he gently kissed my hand and greeted everyone else at the table, introducing his mother who was clearly very nervous to be around such a wealthy environment.

"Kyle Carpenter, it is such a delight to see you and your mother again. I do hope you are holding up. When Ellie spoke about Lilly's escort this evening, I didn't recognize that it was you she was referring to. Such an honest young man, just like his father! You must be so proud of him, Jill," said Mr Hutchins, whom I hadn't known, until now, was a close friend of Kyle's father.

"Oh yes! He's an angel. Quite the gentleman, I must say; I thank God everyday," said Kyle's mother, stroking her son's cheek and making him blush. My mother seemed disgusted at the site, as though it was something inappropriate, but bit her tongue as she took another sip of her champagne.

"You too Ruth, you must be so proud that your daughter is lucky enough to have found such a hard working young man. It isn't everyday you come across his type,"

"Of course," my mother said, in her most artificial voice, while taking another long sip of champagne to hide the displeasure in her expression. I could tell that Cal too was not thrilled by the praise Kyle was receiving, considering his social status, as apposed to his own.

"So, Kyle, Lilly has been telling tales of your intentions for your father's company. How has that been developing thus far?" asked Cal, clearly attempting to pick out a flaw, and probably to mislead him.

"Well, I have only recently taken over my father's duties, so as of yet, progress is still relatively slow as I am learning the business more thoroughly, but I have put my plans forward. I plan to expand the industry to a wider variety of dairy products, and perhaps eventually expand the company to a nationwide or perhaps internationally known company; of course, that is if everything works in my favour."

"I see. Do you intend to carry your business studies further, by attending university, or do you intend to learn the business from experience?" asked Mother.

"Well, yes, I do eventually wish to complete my studies as originally planned, but due to the recent circumstances, I plan to have the company on its feet and running smoothly and steer it in the direction I intend for it to take, then I will look to attend university."

Kyle seemed quite calm around my mother, as though he had prepared himself for such questions, which he probably had. With each answer he gave I grew more confident that he'd perhaps make a better impression at least on Cal, all though I could see no change in my mother's disapproving expression. She continuously shot hidden crude comments in his direction, which only Kyle, Cal and I would pick up, which infuriated me, but I kept smiling through the glares I shot back at her. Kyle didn't deserve such scrutiny, and I wasn't about to allow my mother to step all over him, like he was vermin.

Once dinner and desert was finished, speeches were given by out headmaster, several teachers and of course our valedictorian, then our diplomas were shared, and it was soon time for the Father-Daughter and Mother-Son Dances.

As Cal walked me to the floor, and wrapped his arm around me, while intertwining his fingers with mine, he led me across the floor. I discovered that night that Cal was quite the dancer; a skill that I never imagined he had, but he glided with me across the floor, which seemed to me almost romantic.

"Thank you for doing this for me Cal; it means so much."

"Don't mention it; I am quite glad I came. For the first time in quite a while I can tell you are happy. You look incredible tonight," he complimented with a gleam in his eye that I'd only seen a few times before. He wasn't a man for romantic compliments, but I could tell he was being genuine and I blushed. He wasn't supposed to do this, to hit my soft spots, but I couldn't help but taking it all in. What was this man doing to me? What was I doing falling for him, especially in the presence of Kyle?

"Thank you," I said after clearing my throat. "You look quite dashing yourself; it's no surprise that Miss Eleanor is spraying you with compliments and hints of her interest."

"Ha-ha, hmm, well, she has been that forward for quite some time. I try my best to point her interests in another direction, but it seems nothing I do or say is enough."

"She's stupid that's why. At least you'd be quite capable of getting anything you desire out of her."

"I don't want a whore as a wife, might I remind you. I at least want someone dignified and mature. I need a challenge, not just a good time in bed."

"A challenge?" I said after giggling at his final comment, "I never would have thought so. But I agree; she sees nothing but your money and name. She's a waste of your time, and not to mention, a waste of good looks. You'd be better off with me."

"That I wouldn't doubt," he said with an almost satisfied grin. He spun me a couple of times, and upon returning to our original form, he had a grin of curiosity pasted to his face. "So Lilly, do you honestly think that I am that handsome? You never seemed to show so much interest prior to now."

"Definitely more handsome that _she_ deserves; she looks like a goddamned horse if you ask me!"

With a giggle and a slight cock of his eyebrow he asked, "Do I sense a twinge of jealousy in your tone, when it comes to Eleanor?"

I stopped in mid step and glared at his outrageous idea, knowing deep down that he had hit the bull's eye. "Don't be ridiculous, Cal! Jealous of her! I clearly have a lot more potential than she'll ever have. And in any case, I already have my prince charming; why would I settle for less than I already have?"

"Are you suggesting that I am not good enough for you?"

"Not only that you are not good enough, but that Kyle is better than you."

"Is that right? I'd love to know how."

"Am I sensing a twinge of jealously from Caledon Hockley?"

"I don't envy Miss DeWitt Bukator; I am envied. I have everything and more than Mr Carpenter has, or will ever have for that matter."

"How can you say so? You might have more money, but what about everything else?"

"Do you honestly believe he will achieve all of these far-fetched goals?"

"They aren't far-fetched at all! And yes, I do believe that he will reach his goals eventually. He is extremely determined and very genuine, and can make a living based on pure honesty, rather than corruption."

"Believe as you will; I prefer not ruining your night with my opinions. Now remove that frown from your face; it doesn't suit you," he said with a grin as he pinched my cheek. I could never help but smile when he did that; it was the good side I knew he had that always had me stomach fluttering. He knew exactly how to make me blush, how to get at my weak points, and I hated it just as much as I loved every second. It was a love-hate relationship that existed between us, an infatuation that I needed to conquer but wasn't sure how, and sometimes I did feel as though he had something that Kyle didn't, but it wasn't something I'd _ever_ admit to anyone, not to mention myself.

Cal and I had been so deep in conversation that he and I both failed to realize, until several minutes after, that the dance had ended. Eleanor was waiting impatiently on the sidelines, glaring at me as though I was stealing her property, and at the same moment Cal sighed, quite obviously not looking forward to having to dance with her.

"I suppose this marks the end of our dance and conversation," he said, raising my hand to his lips, and with a kiss on the cheek he concluded almost sorrowfully with, "It's about time I handed you over to the person you probably want to be with more than me. Enjoy the rest of your night, Lilly."

I thanked him again as he walked over to Eleanor, moments later feeling the tips of Kyle's fingers trail down my arm to my elbow, sending shivers down my spine. Instantly, all romantic thoughts I had of Cal vanished, along with everything else surrounding us. The rest of the night was for Kyle and me, just the two of us, alone and together, just the way I wanted it to be. He stretched his hand out to me, the way any gentleman would and asked me to dance.

"You two seem to be getting on a lot better these days; I haven't heard you complain of any arguments as of recent. Should I be worried?"

"Of course not; we just understand each other a lot better, and avoid conflict as often as possible. He's not as much of an ass as he was a few months ago."

"I see…he seemed quite cosy with you. This is not the first time I have seen him look at you. I get scared sometimes that he will take you away from me."

"Don't worry, darling. His feelings for me are like those of brother and sister; he looks out for me. And besides, even if he did have romantic feelings for me, my heart already belongs to someone, as does my body, as do my lips," I said as I pressed my lips against his. "No force on this planet can take that away from us."

"Mmm, and no woman I will ever meet will have kiss as amazing as yours. You have me wrapped around your finger, missy."

"Just the way it should be," I responded with a seductive giggle. I could feel him loosen up after I kissed him. I knew my feelings for him were true, I knew they were real, and I definitely knew I wanted to be with him…but there was still an ember somewhere inside me that burned at the slight thought of Cal.

At the corner of my eye I could see him dancing with Eleanor, not looking quite as enthusiastic as Miss Eleanor "Prissy" Hutchins; the way she drooled over him made me sick to the stomach. I looked the other direction to remove him from my thoughts, to see Mrs Carpenter and Mr Hutchins deep in conversation, as Mother absent-mindedly listened; her focus was clearly on Kyle and me, and I could sense her disgust and anger over the kiss she had just witnessed. To her, public display of affection was out of the question; part of the reason Father stopped loving her, and the rebellion in me only made me want to anger her more. With that, I took Kyle's hand and told him to follow me, winking mischievously.

As we reached far enough from the hall, far enough so that the music became only vague waves of sound to our ears, I stopped and turned to face him. The lamp posts gleamed in the pathway, putting a sparkling in Kyle's eyes. We stood in silence, watching each other, both trying to catch our breaths, and again, as it always did, it hit me how much I was truly in love with Kyle. How could I ever deny him? The way he looked at me, the way he ran his fingers over my skin, the way he spoke to me; his entire aura emanated his love and affection for me.

"What would I do without you, Lilly?"

"You could do so much without me. I'm still bewildered as to why you'd even consider me over every other girl."

"You're the only girl worth living for, the only girl worth dying for. Not to mention both my parents think you are the most wonderful girl in the world, well, at least Mother anyway."

"Your father does too. He might not be physically with us, but he is in spirit. I'm sure he's looking down from heaven right now proud of his son. I don't care who doubts, but I think everything you are doing, everything you strive to accomplish, will earn you the respect you deserve. And I will be there for you ever step of the way, through thick and thin."

"This is exactly what I am talking about. You're the only girl who is willing to be with a man whether or not he is rich. You just love. You see everything I'd want you to see in me and more, and you are everything I want. God couldn't have granted me a more perfect gift, and I have no idea what good I have done to deserve you. I wouldn't be half the man I am if I didn't know I had you."

"You have been a good, honest and caring person, which is everything God would want you to be. He brought us together for a reason, and that reason is fulfilling its purpose. You make me a better person. I wouldn't be who I am without you. I probably wouldn't be here right now if I didn't have you. I believe we were meant to be together, despite what my mother thinks, despite what Cal or anyone else thinks. You have me heart for as long as I live, and that's a promise," I said, feeling a weight on my heart, and tears welling up in my eyes. Kyle placed his forehead against mine, and held me so that I could feel his heart beating against my chest.

Our lips made love for what seemed like hours, but couldn't possibly have been that long before he pulled back, as though he'd suddenly lost his mind.

"What's wrong?" I asked in confusion, as I watch him pacing, back and forth in obvious confusion.

"I can't hold this back any longer. I need to do this now."

"Do what? What the hell are you talking about?"

"I know I said we'd wait, but why wait when we know what we want. Why wait? I mean, in God's eye we're already one, right? So why should I continue carrying this around in my pocket, everywhere I go? Why should I dream about it every night? Why not make it a reality. Why dream about waking up next to you, when I can wake up to you. Lilly," he said, rummaging in his pocket as he got down on his knee, "accept this ring, even if we remain engaged for a couple of years. Please marry me," he said through pants of anxiety, as he raise to my left hand a gold ring, with five massive square diamonds on it.

I had known that the day that he'd make an official proposal would come, and both of us knew the answer, but I hadn't expected him to have already bought a ring, especially one which looked as thought it was way out of his budget. This ring was very near the size of the ring Cal had bought for Rose.

"It's…so big," was all I managed to say after he slipped the ring on my finger. It fit perfectly around my finger. I was too much in shock to even let a tear loose, although inside I was crying rivers of joy.

"Well, it was only fitting to get something custom made, fit for a goddess."

"But it must have been expensive…wait, did you say custom made?"

"I did. Both of my parents were in on this. Mother designed it, actually, knowing exactly how you'd like it. And indeed it was expensive, but it was worth every penny."

"Kyle, I really don't know what to say."

"Lost for words are you?" he said with a giggle, knowing what the answer was. "Don't worry to say anything, I know it's a yes, or you would have objected to allowing me to put the ring on your finger."

"Oh my god…I'm engaged," I said, even though it still hadn't quite hit me. "But, how are we going to get this passed my mother? You still need her permission, and you know she is going to object."

"We can hide it for the time being. Put the ring on a chain and wear it around your neck until it is safe to make it public. The only one who needs to know is my mother, and we already know she is quite fine with it."

I was a bit sceptical at first, but then I looked back at the ring, and moved my finger back and forth to see the diamonds glisten in the dim light emitted by the lamp posts. I couldn't say no, even if a wanted to. Everything about it was perfect; everything about the love that it represented was perfect.

"Oh, I love you!" I belted as I jumped into his arms, wrapping mine around his neck and plastering kisses all over his face and neck. "I feel like dancing! Do you feel like dancing, darling? I do, let's go and dance! Come on!" I suddenly burst, and started dragging him along back to the party.

The rest of the night he and I spent together in each others arms, and intermingling with friends. We told Mrs Carpenter the news, and as expected she was ecstatic, welcoming me into the family with endless kisses all over my cheeks. Our mutual friends also found out the news, and knew to keep it silent until we said it was made public. I didn't want the night to end; it had been too perfect, while also being quite upsetting, knowing that some people I would never see again, and others not for a long time. Tears of joy and tears of sadness had been shed that night, but I still walked out with a smile from ear to ear.

As Mother, Cal and I made our way to the automobile that was waiting for us, I danced and sang as though I was drunk, which embarrassed my Mother, but I didn't care.

"Lilly, will you behave yourself? You are in public!"

"_Hon-ey dear, want you near, just turn out the light and come ov-er here…_"

"She's clearly in a very good mood. Are you sure you want to take that away from her, Ruth?" asked Cal, disturbed by my electricity, but also enjoying the site of me having a joyous time.

"She can be in a good mood without having to make a complete fool of herself and everyone else associated."

"Well, I supposed she can tone it down just a little bit, but I don't see her this happy very often."

"She can tone it down much more than a little bit Mr Hockley. If she wants to be treated as an adult, she should begin to act like one," scolded my mother, but I didn't stop, even when Cal tried, I began to sing louder and with more enthusiasm.

"…_Of ev'-ry thing. Squeeze me dear, I don't care! Hug me just as if you were a griz-zly bear. This is how I'll go through life, no care or strife when you're my wife…OH! You beau-ti-ful doll, you great big beau-ti-ful doll! If you ever leave me how my heart will ache, I want to hug you but I fear you'd break. Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, OH you beau-ti-ful doll!_" I sang, spinning upon the final 'Ohs' until I was in the car.

As I settled in my seat along with Mother and Cal, I sighed as I rested my head back against the seat. I could feel sleep beginning to take control of my body, but a slime remained on my face and reminisced everything that had happened that night. I was tempted to take the ring out of my hand bag just to take another glimpse at it, but that was impossible.

"So Lilly, what has you so overjoyed tonight?" asked Cal.

"I had a wonderful time; it was everything I had hoped for a perhaps even better."

"Well, that is definitely good to hear, but is there more to the story?"

"Um, no, I wouldn't say so. I'm officially out of school, and ready to take on the world. How much more exciting can things get? And I got to celebrate it with the most wonderful person in the world."

By the time we arrived back at home, I was already half asleep, and Cal carried me to bed. After I had changed into my night gown, climbed into bed, and bid Cal a good night's rest, and crept out of bed quietly to retrieve the ring which I immediately put on my father's old chain I kept for good luck in my jewellery box, except this time I put it around my neck just as Kyle had suggested. I looked myself one more time in the mirror and sighed, seeing a whole new me, a grown me, no longer a girl, but a young woman with a future, with a man to love and love her in return, and as I crept back into be and settled into a comfortable position, I fell asleep with the ring that defined the rest of my life clutched in my hand. If only Rose had been here to witness it…

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: I am so unbelieveably sorry for not updating in soooo long ( I've been busy with school. It started off as me being busy preparing for university, but then school started and I was too busy to even think about the next chapter, and only sometimes added little bits and pieces. But finally, I have managed over the past week to have an outburst of ideas and so i took advantage of my "reading week" to finish this chapter. I just finished it, at 4:50 AM, just so I could have it up for you guys to read when you wake up in the morning. Hope you liked this chapter, and hopefully you haven't lost interest becuase of the long delay. Reviews are welcomed, and feel free to give me any ideas you may have for upcoming chapters; who knows, maybe they can be put to use ;) --Leesann**


	14. Chapter 14

Lilly's Memoir

Chapter 14 – Frustrations

The following morning was filled with sunshine, and the sound of birds going joyfully about their lives, which helped to mark a new, better page of my own life. I was in a magnificent mood, which, in my house, was an unusual and abnormal occurrence for me ever since Father died.

I woke early and was sitting in the dining room talking Mrs Herbert, our eldest attendant, as I waited for her to set out my breakfast. She was a pleasant woman, stubby and approaching her mid seventies, who kept a secret better than anyone I knew. She had been with my family since my father was fairly young, and never liked my mother from the moment she and my father began courting. She always told me that she knew Mother was a bad egg, and that the marriage was headed for disaster. I suppose that wasn't something to tell a young girl, but it was quite evident to me, even at the tender age of seven. If there was anyone I felt comfortable sharing my news with or seeking advice from, it was her.

"What do you think of it?" I asked her as I allowed the diamonds on my finger shine lights across the room.

"It is beautiful, darling. And it suits you brilliantly. But I must remind you that marriage is not about the ring darling; it is a whole lot more. It takes hard work and commitment; like a job."

"But if two people love each other, why should it be so difficult? I would have thought it would be easier."

"Yes, it is quite a bit easier when two people love each other, but being in the same room with the same person can sometimes become frustration. Clashing sometimes occurs, and disagreements can cause serious problems. And in 'high society' divorce is a no-no."

"High society is bullshit," I stated, forgetting I was speaking to a mature woman.

"Young lady, you will watch you language! I never did like your mother, but I don't disagree with her disciplining you from time to time."

"I'm sorry."

"That's alright, darling."

"Well, it is isn't it? Why should I have to live up to a name that doesn't even exist anymore? It's just stupid."

"Not completely stupid. I do understand why your mother would want you to marry into a wealthy family. But I don't see why Mr Carpenter should be a problem."

"Exactly what I am saying. Do you not see where it led my sister? Does she want me to have the same fate? I mean, honestly, she tells me that I am too young to understand what love is, when she clearly never knew what it was to begin with. Had Father been around she wouldn't be objecting."

"She wouldn't be objecting aloud, anyway," she said as she lay my breakfast before me.

"Thank you. I don't want to be hiding this for so long. Five years is a long time to be secretly engaged to someone, and not only that but it would look suspicious if I refuse to have anything to do with anyone else between now and the age of twenty-one. Why is the legal age twenty-one anyway? I'm sure people can make educated decisions at a younger age."

"Well darling, why did you agree to it if you knew that complications would arise after? "

"Well, I love him. Shouldn't that be the most important reason for the decision? It is easily the best decision I will ever have to make, and I don't want anyone deciding for me whom I should spend the rest of my life with. After all, we've been together for a decade; if there is anyone who knows me best, it is him."

"How can you be so sure?" she asked, giving me an almost knowing look, that there was a war, caused by Cal, occurring in my heart. Could she possibly know? Could she be indirectly telling me that Cal knows me better than Kyle? That was impossible, she couldn't know.

"Well…" I stammered, then glancing at my ring again as though it could reassure me that I was making the right choice. "Yes, I think I am sure. I'm yet to meet someone that knows me better than I do, or someone I feel completely comfortable with."

"Child, you are only sixteen years old; you have time to think about these things. Don't rush into something that has you thinking and rethinking. You could be easily mistaken. As of now, he is the only one you feel comfortable with, but that does not mean you won't come across someone else. Who knows, you may have already met the person you are actually meant to marry."

And with that said, she left the room. I didn't know the words to say to her, but it felt as though she was telling me that this marriage wasn't going to happen. But how could she say that? Why was she discouraging me to do the one thing I knew would make me happy? And worse yet, did she know about Cal's advances on me?

"Good morning, Lilly," said Cal as he entered the dining room several minutes later, snapping me out of my thoughts.

"Good morning," I replied. My mind was still wrapped around him and I forgot that I still had my hand resting on the table with the ring in clear view. I only remembered as Cal complained of a blinding light in his eye, and for a second his glance stopped on the ring. At that moment I let out a silent gasp and hid my hand beneath the table, quickly removing the ring and shoving it in my pocket. The second his eyes were on the ring, turned into a few seconds of him staring at me suspiciously, as my heart pounded against my ribs.

"Lilly, what are you hiding?" he finally managed to say.

"Nothing," I replied much faster than I should have.

"Really? That's funny, because I swore I saw something shiny coming from your hand, which you quickly slipped out of view as I came in the room. What are you hiding?"

"I'm not hiding anything! It was a mirror."

"Was it?" he asked more firmly, still suspicious. I could feel my insides quaking. Cal was too smart, he was bound to figure out I was lying. How could I mess myself up so badly already?

"Yes. You complained of the light in your eyes, so I put it away."

He watched me for a few more seconds, scanning me for the lie. I knew he sensed it, it must have been evident; I was uneasy, and I watched him just as hard as he watched me, but still, somehow he let it go, "Lilly, don't you think you are too old for childish games, like reflecting sunlight with a mirror on to the walls?"

"No, actually I don't. I find it quite entertaining, especially when I set fire to things; it's exciting," I said, taking the opportunity to steer him away from the truth, and giving him a sarcastic smile with it, as he sat down.

"Lilly, I like to tell you that you are a young woman, believe me I do, but there are days when you really need to be told to act your age," he stated, looking aggravated. He called Mrs Herbert in to serve him breakfast and to bring him the morning paper. "And last night after the party, Lilly, you know better than that. Singing and dancing that loudly in public like a maniac, and not behaving yourself even after your mother scolded you. I sometimes have no choice but to wonder when anyone will be able to knock sense into your head."

I paused for a moment, glaring at his boldness, as he took a sip of his coffee. "What's got your knickers in a knot this morning?" I asked in irritation, to which he looked up over the paper with a glare and grunt. When he walked in the room he seemed in a good mood; I didn't understand how a little sunlight in his eyes would ruin his entire mood.

"I will pretend like you did not just say that, but consider this a warning. I am in no mood right now for your childish attitude."

"You seemed fine a moment ago, how is it that a little sunlight suddenly upset you? And last night you didn't seem to have a problem! Why is it that all of a sudden it's gotten you all riled up?"

"I have my reasons for being upset, and I don't think they are of any concern to you. All I have to say is that it's only a matter of time before the truth of the matter comes out," he spat, pelting a piercing glare in my direction, and quickly to my hand. Had he in fact seen the ring, or was it just my imagination?

"Oh, work issues, I suppose," I spat, in my best attempt to act innocent, "and of course, Caledon Hockley has to carry them home with him and take it out on everyone else, because that's the only mature way to deal with them and the best way he knows how! And you tell me that I am immature; speak for your goddamned self!"

"LILLY! I am sick and tired of you damn lip! I will not have you speak to me as though I am a child! I am an adult, and I am a man, and I expect you to honour that!" he said as he slammed his fists against the table and stood up to overpower me, but the anger was searing in me as well and I stood up just the same and raised my voice just as loud.

"Who the hell do you think you are coming in MY house and treating me like YOUR woman? I am not Rose and I am not one of your one night stands! I won't be spoken to like an imprudent child either, and if you believe that you can enter this house and treat me as though it is my duty to sit around and allow you to wipe your shoes on me like a filthy door mat, you are mighty wrong! I am not a damn tool!"

"How dare you suggest that I'd treat you like a tool? I have done nothing but ensure your happiness since the disaster! I have done nothing but look after you and your mother! All I expect in return is the respect I deserve for even considering your situation. But no, of course, Lilly turns around and stabs everyone who cares about her in the back, except for the one person who will eventually toss her aside when he finds something new to play with. You don't even realize he is playing with you. You're just as blind and stupid as every other girl I have ever known, and that includes your sister, and look where she wound up; lost in the middle of the North Atlantic!"

At his words I felt a bomb detonate within me. How dare he refer to my sister as blind and stupid, and blame her for her own supposed death, and I was sick of him always treating Kyle as though he was filth. Hot tears welled in my eyes as I pranced across to the other side of the table, panting, ready to rip him limb from limb, because he had taken it much too far.

"How dare you speak about Rose like that!" I screamed as I slapped him across his face with a loud and intense smack, which could possibly be heard from half way across the house. "You're the most insensitive jerk I've ever known! You're disgusting; every damn word that comes out of your mouth!" I screamed, punching him in the chest several times, even though they hardly affected him, in return he tried to hold me back. I could see in his eyes that he knew he had said the wrong thing; it was almost a look of fear, as he tried in vain to get to accept his apologies, but I only disregarded them, as I kept on fighting him, and he continued to hold me off, but at the same time hold me close in his arms.

One more time I attempted to slap him, but he caught one hand, and then the next as I swung at his cheek, and locked them behind my back. I tried to fight him off, but he only tightened his grip, hurting me more and more every time. I refused to show that I was in pain, I couldn't let him think he was victorious, but I knew he did. He was staring into my eyes with a fire, a lust that made me feel dirty and uncomfortable.

"Let me go!" I said forcefully, trying my best to pull away; I couldn't let him do this to me.

"No, I can't do that," he said, in a voice that seemed psychotic, and within seconds his lips were pressed against mine. In the shock of the moment, I released a muffled yelp, as I fought to break free, though my hands were still trapped behind my back. I couldn't do this, it was wrong, and I was engaged to someone who meant so much more; someone with sympathy, someone with a heart, and Cal was attempting to take that from me. He pulled me up, so that my feet were nearly off the ground and raised one hand to my face, pressing my lips more firmly against his, just as his tongue managed to slip between my lips. Tears were spilling down my cheek, as I fought to break free, but it felt in vain.

I eventually managed to get one arm free, which I shoved between his mouth and mine, and twisted myself out of his grasp, and backed away. I could feel the tears I'd shed stinging my cheeks, and I felt the puffiness of my lips, and felt like dirt. I could taste him in my mouth and felt the need to spit, which was exactly what I did. There was a look of shock on his face as though I had no right to feel disgust and as though his actions were completely innocent.

"I don't know who you think you are, but I am not a whore!"

"I never thought of you as a whore!"

"You act like I am actually going to believe that. You do it on purpose! It thrills you to argue with a woman and right after engage in filth. What do you think this is? Why are you trying to take away from me all the good things I still have left? I can't believe I ever even considered the possibility that I might have loved you!" I yelled at him, only to realize a second later that the truth about my feelings had slipped from my mouth, and I looked back at him shocked at my own words.

"You loved me?" he asked, bewilderment written in plain words across his face.

"I said a possibility! I never said it was official, or that the feelings are real, because clearly they aren't. If you think you can rip me away from Kyle, with your fabricated acts of charm, you are very wrong. I am one day going to marry Kyle and nothing and nobody can stop me; not Mother, not you, no matter what or how much you try."

"Lilly, I'm not—"

"Don't even try to convince me otherwise. I was wrapped up in your game, but I know what you're doing, and I wouldn't at all be surprised if Mother has some knowledge of it; she doesn't even care who I marry, as long as he has as much money as you. You disgust me, in every way; both of you. I should have died along side Rose! Maybe I would have been happier then. But, instead I have you and Ruth ruining my life! Just do me a favour and stay the hell away from me," I said and I stalked out the dining room, hearing a loud and angered sigh, followed by the sound of smashing china against the wall, and a yelp of Mrs Herbert, as Cal yelled at her to clean up the mess he'd left behind.

After locking my bedroom door behind me, I set up my Turkish bath to my liking, with steaming water with the scent off blossoms and lilies to cool my nerves. I allowed myself to soak for a record breaking two hours, thinking and rethinking everything, replaying everything that had just happened in my mind. How could I have been so stupid all this time, allowing Cal to play with my mind the same way he played with every other woman he'd used for his pleasure. I thought I had a chance of falling in love with him, even though I denied it, and now I could see I was right all along, and so was Kyle. I couldn't let Kyle know what had happened that morning; I just wanted to run, run away from the city, run somewhere far away with Kyle and forget everyone and everything. I no longer wanted the perfect wedding, nor to wait until marriage to give him everything I had to offer. Kyle appeared to me now even more beautiful that he'd been all along…but still somewhere deep in my bone, I was scared and unsure if I was making the right decisions, so, rising out of the bath and quickly dressing, I concluded that the next best set of advisors were my friends.

"Honestly girls, what do you think I should do?"

"I think you should follow your heart, Lilly"

"Well that is quite evident that I would under normal circumstances, but that is exactly the problem; my heart is in two different places. Cal kissed me again."

"When?" asked Hannah in shock.

"This morning; he continually insists on treating me like I am his possession. The minute I begin to think things are looking up for us friendship-wise, we fight. I'm beginning to believe that he likes to fight with me; I think he intentionally starts an argument because it appeals to him."

"I think he likes you!" commented Charlotte with a mischievous grin. "And to tell you the honest truth, I think you like him too, but can't admit to it."

"That's ridiculous! She is engaged to Kyle; how on earth can you claim that she has a heart for Cal?" asked Hannah, clearly oblivious to the fact that my second heart was for Cal, or was at one point.

"Hannah, where have you been for the past few months?" said Charlotte. "Lilly has been denying her true feelings for Cal ever since before she realized she had feelings for him. If her mind was set on Kyle, then she wouldn't be here right now asking us for advice, would she, and the only other man who has an effect on her life is Cal."

"I don't want him anymore, not after this morning's events. He offended me and advanced on me and refused to let me go. I felt violated!"

"You complain too much. I'd love a man to sweep me off my feet every time we argue, especially one like Hockley," said Charlotte, clearly taking this situation far too lightly.

"Charlotte this isn't a joke! I didn't come here to have you tell me that I should forget Kyle; I need to you convince me that I am making the right decision. Cal is bastard and I don't want any of you getting near him."

"Okay listen Lilly, you asked for my opinion on the matter and I gave it to you. Kyle is a wonderful man, but Cal has the goods, he has much more to offer you. He is already a man, and he is already providing for you, and he is obviously showing interest in you, so I think you should take him. If not then I will feel free to take action into my own hands and take him for myself.

"Cal is off limits!" I yelled. Charlotte was being plain stupid and blind, like most other women who were attracted to wealth and good looks; not to mention I didn't want her touching the man who I once considered mine, for the sake of friendship, I couldn't allow her to betray me like that.

"Do I sense a twinge of jealousy?"

"It's not jealousy; I simply don't want you to get hurt by him. If you do end up with him we will no longer be friends, I assure you."

"Over a man? You would end our friendship over a man?"

"Yes I would, because you're too good for him and I know what that sad excuse for a man is capable of! He doesn't care about the women he is with; everything is purely a show."

"Or perhaps the truth is that you don't want him but can't stand to see other girls get what you refused to take while it was in front of you! Lilly, you are as selfish as they come, you know that? That's fine, if you want to have a directionless future, poor, unhealthy family, then so be it! Marry Kyle! Run off with him. It's what you want is it not? Go on! Run away with him, but when you realize you've made the biggest mistake, don't come running back, because I can assure you that everyone else would have moved on, and won't care to take you under their wings," said Charlotte in a rage. It was clear to me that from now on she and I would be at odds. I suppose it was bound to happen eventually; we were too much alike, yet completely different people, and in my own rage I stormed out of her house, and never returned there.

I made my way over to the only house I felt secure in. It was clear to me that I should just run away and forget everyone, Kyle was the only one I could trust anymore. I couldn't even trust my own sister, as it seemed to me that she had forgotten everything about her past life, forgotten me, her only sibling and the one who was keeping her secret secure.

"Kyle!" I called as I rapped at his door several time before his maid finally answered. I didn't even greet her as I usually did before entering, but this time I invited myself in and immediately began making my way upstairs to his bedroom where he more than likely was.

"Lilly, what are you doing?" I heard from behind me, knowing immediately it was Kyle, confused as to why I'd just stormed into his house. "What's wrong?"

"Kyle, we have to go."

"What? What are you talking about?"

"We have to go! I can't take it anymore. My mother continuously aggravates me, Cal is an idiot, my friends are no help when I need it and, Charlotte and I are at odds. I don't know how long I can keep our engagement a secret and if my mother finds out, or Cal for that matter, it won't happen, I can assure you."

"Where do you expect us to go? We can't just disappear. And besides, I have a mother to take care of, and a business to run."

"We can't keep this a secret for five years! It is impossible when my mother is already trying to arrange a lineup of men for me. Not only that, but I think Cal knows."

"About the engagement?"

"Yes."

"How?"

"I think he may have caught a glimpse of it on my finger this morning. It was unintentional, he entered the room unexpectedly."

"You don't need to explain to me, Lilly, stop feeling guilty. It isn't your fault if he saw."

"He isn't going to let it happen, Kyle! Mother is going to find out sooner or later, if she doesn't already know. I can't let them break us apart, which is why we need to go. We need to leave everything, everyone behind," I pleaded, forcing myself onto him. I wanted him to take me, I wanted him to make love to me right there and then, for men in high society refused to wife any young girl who wasn't a virgin, but he pushed me off.

"Lilly, no, this isn't right and I am not doing it."

"Why not?"

"It's not right, Lilly, it's not Christian. I am not taking your honour without officially being your husband. My mother will be disappointed and it will only cause problems in the end between your family and mine. Word spreads quickly in this town and we both know that, and I can't have you walking with a bad name on your shoulder and I can't afford to allow a bad name on my part ruining the success my father's company is having so far. I love you Lilly, and I want everything between us to be perfect. I need it to be, and I need you to be strong. Hold on just a little bit longer." He said these words with such passion that I actually felt my knees buckle and I began to cry, falling into his arms. Why was the world being so cruel to me? Why couldn't things be easier? I wanted to live in a world where women were free, free to make their own decisions, free to marry whomever they chose. I wished the world wasn't run by men and high society. I hated it, all of it, and it was beginning to show.

I stayed at Kyle's house for the next few hours, until it was late, when Kyle walked me home. I wanted to stay with him for the night, but we both knew the consequences of that action. Arriving home late, when no one knew where I was to begin with, was already a case for war in my dwelling, and I encountered fire as I walked through the door.

"Where have you been all day?" my mother ordered.

"I was out."

"Well, that was obvious! Where were you?"

"Why does it matter so much to you?"

"Because I have been worried sick! Look at the hour you are walking through this door; 11:30 PM!"

"I was by Charlotte earlier, then I spent the rest of the day with Kyle if you must know!"

"You and that boy! Always with him! What kind of image do you suppose you are getting by being with him at hours like this, unguarded and unprotected?"

"Mother, to be honest, I really do not care anymore about what image I get. I think I have been through enough in my life as it is to care about an image. I have lost a father and a sister within a matter of months; the only family in this world I ever actually cared about, both to horrific deaths and you expect me to care about a goddamned image. For god's sake Mother, can I just live my life for once without you intervening and making a scene out of it?"

"When will you learn to respect your mother, Lilly? She is expressing her concern for your life and you turn your back to her?" Came Cal's voice from out of nowhere.

"When will you learn to keep your nose out of business which doesn't concern you?"

"I am just as much involved in this incident as she is. I have been sitting here for hours watching her pacing up and down concerned out of her mind, and finally when you decided to show up, you don't even care."

"You're right Cal, I don't care. But then again, how many people in this house do care about the other? The only reason she is concerned is because she doesn't want to lose the last chance she has a making a quick fortune. I have a suggestion for you mother, why don't you remarry, that way I wouldn't have to worry about you ruining my life, and that way there won't always be so much animosity between us. And here is a suggestion for you Cal: stay out of my family's lives. You already helped to kill my sister, I don't think I need anymore bad memories of you." I said, turning my back to walk away.

"What have I done wrong in raising you? Where have I gone wrong?" I hear my mother's voice cracking from behind me, but instead of replying I continued on. Cal tried to console her as she put on a fake cry behind me, and I hated him for it. He always took her side; he was so blind to see that she was completely fake…but then again, so was he.

I couldn't stay in that house any longer. I needed to leave, to go somewhere far, to get away from this mess I called a life. Kyle, I knew, wouldn't come with me and wouldn't let me go, but I had to. I needed a break, I needed time to relax my brain, think about life and what it was worth, why I was alive and had survived the death of Titanic.

I lay awake in bed that night, eyes burning, but unable to sleep, until randomly, I rose and began packing a light bag of clothes, easy clothing, dresses that didn't require a corset. Once I was dressed to sneak out, I crept as quietly as I could into Cal's bedroom. He was fast asleep, snoring to my displeasure, but also to my advantage, as he didn't hear me rummaging through his pants and jacket pockets, drawers and briefcase for money, and within ten minutes I was out through my window, climbing down the brick wall of my house onto the gravel driveway, with approximately $200 worth of $20 bills in my pocket.

At first I didn't know where I was going, so I went where me feet carried me; to the park my father used to take Rose and me when we were children. I sat beneath the tree where we would picnic until the sun began to rise, thinking about life, thinking about everything, and then finally I decided the best place to go, where they wouldn't find me would be New York, and by 8 AM I found myself on the first morning train to my destination. I had no idea what I was going to upon my arrival, but I figure everything would unfold as I went along.

**Author's Note: Hey Hey!! Finally another chapter is out ) I decided that this ending would be good, so that I have something clear in my mind for the next chapter. I am about to enter exams, so the next chapter won't be out until after april 21st for sure, but I assure you I will try to work on it little by little, so that it will be out by may 1st or so. Feel free to review, you guys encourage me to keep writing ) You guys help me to keep up this hobbie!! Until next time!!! Hope you enjoyed this chapter.**


	15. Chapter 15

Lilly's Memoir

Chapter 15 – Disaster in the making

The train ride to New York was lonely, and it was something I felt I needed to do, but I was beginning to regret having gone. Perhaps I was more like Rose than I thought I was; I needed to break free of my stifled life, but perhaps running away from my problems wasn't the best decision.

New York City was a much different environment from the one I was used to; there were many more people, less of a community feeling, much more confusion and traffic as everyone seemed to go about their lives, unaware that I was a runaway. I made my way down the busy street aimlessly, my case in hand weighing me down. It was unusual for a young lady of my stature to be wandering the streets without an escort, or a group of people, especially caring my own suitcase, and I could feel the eyes of several passersby watching. I managed to pay my way into a hotel room for a couple of nights, but I knew that there was suspicion in the hotel employee's eyes, and once I was settled into my room, which was quite disappointingly low standard, I crashed onto my bed in frustration.

This wasn't something I was used to; the cheapest hotel room, a hard mattress, a flat pillow…being alone in an unknown place…what had I done? Though, after some thought, I realized that so many other working class people had to live with these poor standards everyday of their lives, and they never complained, so why should I? Comfort was a luxury the upper class took for granted, and I thought I might as well get used to living in slums, as Mother and I would soon enough be just like the rest of the working class civilization; after all, Cal was bound to some day find himself someone new to wife and completely forget our existence.

I wondered how Rose must have been holding up, and if she was still in New York. She must have still been in New York somewhere, considering she didn't really have money, even though White Star Line would have compensated her for her losses on Titanic, or was it possible that she had changed location already…I couldn't have possibly known at that point, as I was still awaiting the letter she had promised, and looking for her was impossible in a city this crowded.

For the next couple of hours, I unpacked my possessions while pondering what I should do next. Walking was the best way to clear my conscience and possibly window shopping, although that usually forced me to enter a store and buy something…but I hardly had enough money to last me the two days I was staying, and I needed to keep some of it for my return. Still in thought, I stumbled upon a diamond necklace in my jewelry box, which Cal had given me over the past Christmas. What use did I have for it? Cal had become my mortal enemy, he and I were no longer close as I had thought we were, and I certainly did not love him…so why keep it when it only caused me to harbour angry emotions, and I could make a fine bit of money by selling it.

Later that afternoon, I took to the city shops, scoping out which jewelry stores seemed the most pricy and the most willing to trade the necklace for money; it was made of real diamonds after all, and I certainly wasn't accepting pocket change for something that beautiful. I eventually found a shop, inhabited by a large middle aged man, who wore a top hat and whose mustache was in need of immediate assistance, and I immediately knew he must be quite wealthy, so I entered.

"Good evening Miss!" came his voice booming from across the room, as he began to make his way over. "How may I assist you today?"

"Good evening. Um, I was just wondering if your policies allow you to trade jewelry for cash. I know this isn't a pawn shop, but I thought that coming to a real jeweler, I might attain the proper value."

"Generally our policy does not allow such a thing, but I make the rules, so I am sure I can pull some stings for such a lovely young lady as yourself," he said, winking at me. I smiled purely out of politeness, but quite frankly, I was disturbed by his forwardness, especially seeing as he had a wedding ring flashing quite boldly from him left hand.

I hesitated no longer to produce the necklace, for I wasn't quite feeling comfortable alone in this man's store. With one glance I could tell the man was amazed that I'd even dream of selling such an item. It glistened in the afternoon sun that was shining through the display windows. The man picked up the necklace, examining its weight in his hand, examining each diamond, one by one with a magnifying glass, and with a 15 minute inspection, he placed it back on the counter and put down his magnifying glass, and sighed as he straightened up.

"Well Miss, it is undoubtedly real, and I can assure you this is worth approximately $350. But my question to you is: why would you want to sell such a fine piece of work?"

"Oh, don't you mind that."

"Now then, there must be a valid reason for you not wanting this necklace. No woman would deny such a magnificent piece! It matches absolutely any garment, I can tell it is a most recent design, platinum and diamonds, quite a fascinating mix if you ask me, and not to mention it goes quite perfectly with your delicate complexion."

"Sir, if you please, I will not ask you again to keep your nose out of business which does not concern you. I have my reasons for relieving myself of this possession, and unless you are not willing to trade it, I would highly appreciate it if you would take it and return to me its full value, sir," I said in irritation. I did not appreciate having a man I did not know, or care to know, trying to pry my story out of me. I refused to look him dead in the eye, and a few moments later he finally gave in and counted out $350 and handed it to me.

"If at any point you wish to reconsider the trade Miss, feel free to return. If you please I must ask your name to have it in my records that such a trade took place."

"Lilly DeWitt Bukator. Thank you for doing this; it is much appreciated." I said, as I exited. I didn't care whether or not he picked up my full name, because I wasn't returning. This was my way of striking back at Cal, of erasing him from my life little by little, and so far, I felt no guilt. I knew it would anger him if he knew that I had sold it, which is exactly what I wanted. I already knew he'd be upset that I had stolen $200 from him, and I wondered if he'd already noticed, or if they'd even noticed I'd disappeared.

I put aside some of the money for the train ride home and decided to use the rest for leisure. I eventually came across a souvenir shop, which sold a variety of magnificent ornaments, globes, pens, hats, and postcards, and I found myself wandering inside. A particular hat caught my attention; it was deep purple with black beaded decorations all around it, and somehow, for a reason I couldn't quite place my finger on, it reminded me of life how it used to be, before Father's death, before the ill fated voyage of Titanic, before…and then I saw it. There on the postcard stand, I caught glimpse of a postcard with a picture of a sinking Titanic.

I stared at it for a hard minute, disbelieving my eyes. How on earth could anyone dream of making a post card out of such a disaster, especially as it was still fresh in the minds of every survivors, still talk of the town, rumours were still flying, hearings were still taking place, and this is what I see. I could feel anger building and my muscles tensing, and I quickly placed the hat back on the stand, and slowly made my way over to the postcard. I continued staring at it with disgust, unable to pick it up, as though it was diseased.

"Yes, that postcard is rather popular around here. Many tourists see it and take it just to tell their families they were in the city where all the survivors docked, ha-ha. Gives us quite the name, and quite a bit of publicity wouldn't you say," came the voice of the store clerk, a woman with long blonde curls, and a money hungry face. I turned to look at her with disbelief and disgust.

"What is wrong with you people?"

"Excuse me?"

"Have you no respect for what happened, have you no understanding of what those people experienced that night? And this is how you repay them? This is how you honour the 1500 that lost their lives because White Star Line couldn't design their ship with sufficient life boats, because the crew couldn't take heed to ice warnings. This is how you repay us! Do you think that it was just some publicity stunt? What the hell is wrong with you!" my voice was raising with every word, and other people in the store were turning to watch the commotion. I pulled one of the postcards from the stand and began waving it in the woman's face, while I continued to vent. It was clear to her by now that she had encountered a survivor in the flesh, from the tears that seemed to be burning through my cheeks, by the tone and height of my voice. "You have no idea what it was like being there, no idea what it was like fighting to get onto the lifeboats, no idea how cold the water was, no idea what it was like hearing the screams of those who had no way out, or the people dropping into the water like flies, the endless gunshots that went off, or what it felt like to watch an officer shoot and kill a passenger just trying to save his own life! You have no idea what it is like to lose friends and family to that sort of disaster!" and in my rage I pulled all of the Titanic post cards from the stand and began throwing them, and releasing my anger on them, ripping some of them to pieces, and with one last look at one that had fallen to the floor, I stated heavily, "and that is NOT how it happened! That is not what it looked like! You should be ashamed of yourself!"

Enraged, I grabbed a pack of cigarettes and matches and dropped some change on the counter, not caring if I had paid sufficiently or if I had paid too much, and stormed out of the store. Passersby stared at me as I hurried down the street, around corners, just walking aimlessly in frustration, my eyes bloodshot and my face flushed. The memories I had been trying to forget were all coming back to me, tormenting my mind. I was having flashes in my mind of everything I had seen, everything I had heard on the night of April 14th, my own fear of the event was coming back to me and I was beginning to go mad.

I eventually stopped walking, feeling drained and weak, and crashed onto a nearby bench. I buried my face in my hands and broke down, I couldn't hold it back any longer, and I didn't care anymore what the people passing were thinking of me. It was all too much to cope with, and the only way I knew how to deal with it was to relieve myself of the sadness I'd held back for so long. The memory of it is what made it all but a dream to me; I knew it had happened; I knew I was there to witness and experience it first hand, but it wasn't until the event in the souvenir store that it really became a reality to me; it wasn't until now that it truly sank in.

When I had finally gotten the pain of the reality out of my system and was able to look up, I realized that I had walked right into familiar territory, as soon realized I was sitting on a bench near the very dock where all the survivors had disembarked the Carpathia. I rose front my seat and edged closer, just watching it, with the memories still floating through my mind, and leant against a ledge by the entrance. Reminiscing and imagining what it must have looked like to the hundreds of spectators that came to witness the arrival of the survivors, I pulled out a cigarette and lit it.

I'd never smoked before, and I immediately began coughing, but I soon got the hang of it. The smell wasn't quite appealing, and the taste wasn't what I considered the best necessarily, but I found it to calm my nerve, and helped me to relax. The back of my throat burned, and it made me want to spit, but that would be unladylike. As much as I was trying to fight the system, I knew it was so much a part of me by now that I did in fact somewhat care about the image I portrayed in public.

I eventually returned the hotel with my mind still in the clouds, and lay on my bed thinking about how different things would have been had Titanic not sank. Would I have been as disgruntled as I was now, would I be so confused about what I truly wanted? Would Cal have ever opened up to me at all, or would he have been the same as he was before. Would he and Rose be married by now, or would She have still run off with Jack? Would I be a changed person at all? Everything seemed to be quite unclear to me, and nothing seemed to make much sense, but the time away from home was doing me some good, or so I thought. Maybe upon my return home I'd be a different person, maybe I'd be stronger, and be able to face the next five years of secrecy without a doubt in my mind of what I was doing. The more I thought about it, the more I could see myself with Kyle, and the more I understood the complexity of the commitment, and I knew it was the best thing for me.

I spent the following day walking for leisure, taking in the air and the fresh summer breeze as it blew through my hair. I felt lighter, like I had gotten something big off my chest, which I had with my collision with reality the previous day. Along the way, I bought a card for my mother surprisingly, in which I had planned to write that I was sorry for running away, and explaining why I had, knowing that there was likely to be another war in my house once I returned. As much as I figured she didn't care about me as much as she had Rose, I knew that she must have been worried about me now. Perhaps it was a lesson for her to appreciate me, although I felt guilty for doing it in this manner. But I learned of the much bigger consequences of running away the following morning, when I was packing my luggage to make my way home.

On the front page of the morning paper, was a picture of me, and the headline read: **_DAUGHTER OF AN UPPER CLASS PHILADELPHIAN WIDOW MISSING_**,

and the story read about our recent loss to Titanic, that I had been having much trouble coping and was found missing two days ago, and that there were suspicions or possible kidnapping or that perhaps I had run. It had also mentioned my Mother's belief in Kyle's involvement, which clearly wasn't the case.

I had caused chaos at home; Mother was going crazy, Kyle was being blamed, police were out searching for me, and the word of my disappearance had spread all the way to the neighbouring state. I needed to get home immediately, although I didn't want to face the consequences of my action, my biggest fear being that Kyle would possibly leave me for this. As I rushed downstairs to quickly check out and make my way to the train station, to my misfortune the hotel had already informed the police that I was there, and they had already arrived at the hotel to search for me. I spend the rest of the morning in the police station while word was sent home that I had been found, I was questioned, and finally escorted by train back home.

As the police vehicle drove up my driveway that afternoon, my heart began to race. I wanted to turn and run with every second I grew closer to my front door. My mother came running out, looking frazzled and flushed with worry followed by Mrs Hockley, while Cal stood in the doorway, with a cigarette in one hand and a glass of brandy in the next, and immediate I knew his mood. I wanted to curl into a ball and disappear, as now I not only had Mother and Cal to deal with but the Hockleys who were always involved in any situation Mother seemed to have.

The vehicle soon came to a stop and my possessions were removed from the back and placed at the door, but I remained stuck to my seat, looking at the floor of the car. The officer who had driven me finally opened the door and stuck out his hand to help me out, but I remained firmly in my seat.

"Miss?" he said, prompting me to exit the vehicle, and so I did. I didn't rush to hug my mother, but rather she came to me, hugging me and kissing me all over my cheeks, crying, happy to see that I was in one piece, but I still said nothing; I had nothing to say. In my blankness to the rest of the world I saw Cal in the doorway with the cigarette in his mouth, paying off the young police officer who had chauffeured my home, as though my safe return was a reward, but he never took his eyes off me just as I refused to take mine off him. My blood was going cold and I could feel a frustration that I had tried so desperately to get rid of flood back into me, and once I was within the walls of my home, the yelling match began.

"What the hell were you thinking!" came Cal's voice as the door shut. "What do you think this is, some kind of a game? You had us here worrying that you'd been kidnapped, only for me to discover that I had money missing and your window was wide open. New York, Lilly! New York!"

"Now Cal, calm down please, I think that Lilly, should discuss this with her mother. This is not an argument we should concern ourselves with," said Mrs Hockley, but I could see the frustration in her own face, as well as Mr Hockley, who was standing in the far corner, not even saying a word.

"This is just as much my business as it is Ruth's, Mother. Please do not lecture me about what is and is not my business. She stole money from me, so that she could depart on her little vacation without word! And I am not about to stand about acting as though it doesn't concern me. She had all of us worried, and falsely accusing people of being involved. I hope you intend to apologize to your beloved Kyle Carpenter, because even he had no idea of where you'd gone!"

"You blamed Kyle for this didn't you?"

"He was the only logical suspect."

"Of course! Typical, isn't it? Blame him because he is of lower class and because of my attachment to him. You didn't for a second think that perhaps this was all my decision. He had nothing to do with my departure! It was something I decided on the spur of the moment, something I did without prompting from him. If I can vouch for him, I'd say that if anything, he discouraged me, but I went anyway. That is why I was out so late that night."

"Why would you run away from home to go all the way to New York? How were we supposed to find you, how were we supposed to know that you were safe? What if something bad had happened?" began my mother, her voice beginning to rise. "Do you know what it was like for me, to have that fear that something bad had happen! And, New York, of all the places you could go!"

"I had to!"

"For what, Lilly? To prove a point? I can assure you, you have only made yourself look more stupid!" yelled Cal.

"That is why! You are a pretty damn good reason why I had to leave. You make my life, which is already miserable, even more miserable! You make everything seem as though your opinion counts! It doesn't! You are not my family, and you will never be! I left for the sake of my own sanity! I needed to clear my mind!"

"And I suppose stealing my money, going to the next state, and vandalizing a woman's store was the best decision!" He caught me by surprise, with the last comment, which made it clear to me that the woman had reported that I had been the culprit. "Oh yes, Lilly, I know and you should be quite happy that I am already taking care of that. I hope you're proud of yourself; you'll make the morning paper with that one!"

"I think I already know what it is like making the morning papers, having seen my face in it this morning!"

"Ah, well then, seems like you're a veteran! You just love the attention, love to make yourself look like a bad egg and love to give your mother and everyone associated with you a bad name! That's quite typical of you to make a scene, isn't it; anywhere you go!"

"Do you think I am proud of myself for putting this on my mother's shoulders? Because I can assure you that that is the only thing I regret! It's done one thing for me, and that is to reassure me that my mother at least has some emotional attachment to me. You on the other hand, I don't care about the effect it has had on you; I don't own you a thing, and I feel no remorse in taking the money, and even less for selling the gift you gave my for Christmas!"

"What gift?" he spat.

"The diamond encrusted necklace! I had better use for it in the cash anyway," I said, with a spiteful grin on my face as I pulled out the stack of $20s from my purse. Cal seemed to have buckled at the knees as he let out a disbelieving gasp. It had struck him hard, which was exactly the effect I had intended. But he wasn't the only one it seemed to have struck home with.

"You really are something, Lilly. I do hope you can apologize to my Mother for that, because she picked it out for you," said Cal, and I turned to Mrs Hockley, who had a disbelieving frown, and her eyebrows narrowed. "You feel guilty now don't you, I can see it all over your face. You really are quite something, ha-ha," and with that Cal left the entrance hall, into the sitting room for another brandy, followed by his Mother, who seemed close to tears. Mr Hockley remained in his position a couple seconds longer before he tossed his cigarette bud into a nearby ashtray, and began making his way to the sitting room.

"You've really done it for yourself this time around, Lilly. I do hope you intend to repay my son for his troubles, and for his consideration of you, that you seem to take for granted. He could just as easily walk away from your situation but he has made it his duty to look after you and your mother, and this is how you repay him…and the entire Hockley family for that matter for staying by your sides this long…it's a shame, and there is no one here to blame except yourself," he said, leaving me behind to join his wife.

My mother and I were now left alone in the entrance hall. She said nothing and I said nothing, but it wasn't long before she came and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I didn't know why she'd done it; it seemed so inappropriate, since everyone else seemed to be against me. Against her expectations I wrapped my arms around her in acknowledgement of her gesture, and I could tell she was taken by surprise; I hadn't shown affection in years and it had almost become a part of my character.

"I'm sorry, Mother. It was something I felt I needed to do, to come to terms with everything that has happened over the past few months. I've been so confused," I said beginning to cry.

"I know, we've all been through so much Lilly, and I know it is hard to come to terms with everything and still manage to uphold the correct morals. I understand, but this is not the way. What possessed you to rip apart that woman's store?"

"I didn't 'rip apart' her store. She had postcards with a picture of the sinking Titanic on the front, and then she had the nerve to come up to me and treat the entire event as though it was a publicity stunt to attract tourists to city and that set me off. Everything I have been trying to put in the back of my mind came back to me and I began reliving it, and only then did it seem to become a reality to me, and I just threw them at her and ripped some of the others in my anger."

"Lilly that is unacceptable. Vandalism is unacceptable! I am not going to tolerate it in the least. I understand it is frustrating to see people play on it but that is how society is, and it is something we must accept without causing a scene. You've embarrassed all of us, and don't think that I can't punish you for it still. You have some fences to mend Lilly, and I expect you to get to it."

"What about Kyle, Mother? I think you have to apologize to him for false accusation, and don't act as though you have, because I know you haven't." Mother refused to answer me as though she didn't owe Kyle anything, but I knew that she knew she was in the wrong where he was concerned. "I will be going there tonight to deliver the message then, since it seems like a task for anyone else to admit to their wrong doings," I said as I made my way to the staircase to my bedroom.

For now I needed to be alone, to reflect. Everything seemed to be going wrong. All my ingenious plots against my enemies seemed to backfire, and hurt the most important people in the process. At least I had managed to get Cal off my back; or at least once I 'repaid him for his troubles', as Mr Hockley put it. Thank goodness Jeremy hadn't been there to make matters worse, but no matter what, upon my next encounter with him, I knew I wouldn't hear the end of it from him.

My main worry, though, was Kyle. What was I going to say to him? How could I repay him for the fear and paranoia he probably went through over the past couple of days, due to my unexpected disappearance. I knew I had disappointed him, even though I was yet to see him, and his mother must have been frantic, worrying about her beloved future daughter-in-law.

I eventually did go to see them and as expected, Kyle was quite beyond disappointed; he was angry that I had disobeyed him and he didn't hesitate to yell at me for it, though he never raised a hand to me. Seeing him vent the way he had made me cry and I definitely learnt my lesson, to never run off again, but just as soon as he brought me to tears, he wiped them away and kissed my forehead. After several hours spent with Kyle, he made sure I was home safely, and was on his way, once I finally forced Mother to apologize for falsely accusing him.

Later that night, after the Hockleys had left (except Cal, of course, who seemed to think he owned anywhere he lay his hat), after Mother had gone to bed, and after spending most of my time feeling guilty, depressed and restless, I decided to head into the sitting room, to my comfort spot; my father's favourite chair which sat directly facing the fireplace. When I was small, and couldn't sleep, or had had a nightmare, I used to curl up in his lap at night and fall asleep to the sound of his heart beating against his chest, and now it had become the only real place I felt at peace in my entire house.

As I opened the door to the sitting room, to my displeasure, there, standing against the fireplace was Cal, with a brandy in his hand. I sighed in displeasure, and began to close the door again to go back to my room, but Cal called me in.

"What do you want, Cal? Haven't you had enough of me for one day?"

"Yes actually, I really have had quite enough of you, and you'd think that I'd be used to your nonsense by now, but I suppose not."

"Well then, if it is you've had enough of me, why do you stick around? Why don't you go back to your own home that you seem to have abandoned? Why don't you just forget us, and take your selfish habits with you?"

"I really do not know."

"You make no sense."

"And I suppose you do?"

"You know what; I do feel guilty for what I have done. I do feel bad for taking your money, for selling the necklace. I did it mainly to spite you, because I am sick of you trying to control me. I am sick of being confused by you, of dealing with you when you suddenly lose your temper."

"Well done, then, because you hurt my mother in the process."

"That was not intended, because we both know that I love your mother. This was strictly aimed to strike you," I said, not for a moment taking my eyes off him. I knew he was angry; it shone like gold in his eyes, in his posture, and of course in his tone. He continued to glare at me without saying a word for a few moments, before he could finally break the silence.

"Why would you do it?"

"I've already told you."

"There is another reason why you sold that necklace Lilly, and I want to hear it from you!"

"If there was another reason why I did it, then I would have said it wouldn't I!"

"I'm not stupid Lilly! I know all about it, about the bright, shiny 'mirror' that boy gave you. I figured it all out."

"So you did see it then," I said as calmly as possible, although my heart was beginning to pick up pace. "I'm surprised you haven't told Mother."

"I was wondering when you would tell her your little secret."

"I'm not going to tell her."

"Oh, is that right?"

"Yes it is right, and I would highly appreciate it if you wouldn't open your mouth!"

"Ha-ha-ha-ha, I don't believe my ears. Really Lilly, after you steal my money, sell a gift I gave you, after I ensured your survival during the sinking, after I stick around to ensure the survival of you name, after doing so much for you, just to get a all thrown back at me, you expect me to keep your secret? You must be joking!"

"No I am not joking!"

"Oh, I don't care what you want Lilly. I am not keeping my mouth shut at all. Trust me, Ruth will know by morning of your little secret engagement, that no one approves of. I am certainly not going to sit here and watch you marry scum after all the trouble I have gone through."

"You're an ass," I said, with such venom in my voice.

"Yes, I suppose I am, just as much as you are a bitch and spiteful liar."

"And you aren't? Your entire life is a lie, your entire existence. And I am the spiteful liar? How about you tell Mother that you tried to kill her daughter with a gun? How about you tell my mother that you were around the block with every prostitute, even during your engagement to Rose? How about you tell her that you never loved her?"

"I did love her!"

"Oh I'm sure!"

"Don't you tell me what I felt for her! I don't need to explain myself to you or anyone else."

"Yes you do! Yes you do need to explain yourself to me!"

"No I don't! You mean nothing to me now, just like you meant nothing then."

His words hit me rather harder than I would have expected, and I wanted to stalk over to him and throw a solid cuff at him for it, but my legs was frozen to the floor.

"So basically all the times you kissed me meant nothing? All the times you took the liberty to put your hands on me meant nothing!"

"What; you actually thought I wanted something out of it? You hit the bull's eye the other day in the dining hall. I was strictly trying to draw you away from that pathetic excuse of a man you have as a fiancé. Thank goodness that won't last much longer," he said with a holier-than-thou attitude, and stood to his full height as if trying to remind me of his power. "It looks as though I have succeeded then…like I always do. Even though you were a tough one to crack and you fought it quite hard, I still managed to win your heart and completely destroy your relationship, all for the sake of your mother, who, for the record, knew nothing of my intentions. I suppose we are all full of secrets, aren't we."

"Leave," I ordered, pointing to the door while taking my gaze from his, for fear that he might see the tears forming.

"Oh believe me, I am leaving in the morning, with everything I own."

"You better. You've not only disrespected me personally by taking advantage of me, but you've disrespected my Mother without her knowing."

"Yes, I suppose I have, but she won't believe you if you told her, not only because I am God-sent in her eyes, but because she will be too distracted by the fact that you got engaged to filth without her knowledge or consent."

"Get out!" I yelled, but instead he walk up to me. I was looking at the floor in anger while I tried to stifle my tears unsuccessfully. He gripped my chin between his thumb and forefinger, and brought his face close to mine, but only close enough for me to feel his hot breath against my lips, as I pulled away, repeating myself for him to leave.

"It's a shame you're such a disaster…you were good while it lasted," he said before turning and leaving. As he such the door behind him, I crumbled, just as I had at the docks in New York. I felt sick, and I curled into a ball on the floor, grabbing hold of my night gown as though it could make the situation better, but it was no consolation. The floor was cold, only reminding me more of how much of a mess my life had become. The man of my dreams, by morning, would be ripped from my grasp, the ring would be taken away, and from there on, I would be destined to marry someone I didn't want, someone I didn't love. Cal had begun to destroy my life little by little and I knew not why.

I uncurled and lay with my back against the floor, staring up at the ceiling, wondering where my life was headed, and how I could be so stupid to fall for Cal's mind games. That's all it ever was, that was all he ever did, play games to get him way, just to feel satisfied after conquering the enemy. 'You were good while it lasted' kept playing over and over again in my mind. He made me out to be just like one of his many whores, but I knew I wasn't; I knew I had fought against it every time.

I wasn't going to give up; no, I wasn't going to allow him to win this time. Rose had managed to beat him at his own game, and so was I, no matter how much sweat I'd have to shed, or how long it took.

**Author's Note: OMG!! I have literally been trying for the past 4 days to get this out!! I am in the middle of exams and still somehow my brain has been buzzing with ideas. I was thinking that this would be out by may 1st but i guess i have given all you faithful readers (much thanks ;) a treat. I liked this chapter after rereading it, so i hope you did too. Reviews are always appreciated. ONE MORE EXAM TO GO!!! Then chapter 16 will be written and posted for your reading pleasure (I need sleep so badly, I haven't gotten much sleep in the past 4 days and have drank way to much coffee and so i am in a mess right now, but no worries )**


	16. Chapter 16

**Lilly's Memoirs**

**Chapter 16 – Sweet Revenge**

Early the following morning I was awoken by the loud slam of my bedroom door against the wall, as Mother came storming in enraged followed by Cal. I rolled over with my eyes barely parted almost confused to see her rummaging through my jewellery box, my almost unpacked suitcase, and through my drawers while Cal searched the bathroom, describing to my mother what the ring looked like. I knew neither of the two would find it, so I simply rolled back over as though none-the-wiser to go back to sleep, but Mother took the liberty to pull me back over the shake me vigorously.

"Lilly, wake up this instant!"

"What?" I said sleepily. "Why?"

"Where is it?"

"Where is what?"

"Don't play stupid! Mr Hockley told me everything, you deceitful child!"

"I honestly have no clue of what you speak, Mother. Why do people like to wake me at such ungodly hours for nonsense?" I said, rolling back over.

"Your act of incompetence every time you know you're in trouble is really getting old Lilly! It was hanging on a chain around her neck last time I saw it," said Cal, pushing passed my mother and grabbing onto Father's chain, from which I did usually have it dangling, but to his surprise, it was not there this time. "Argh! What did you do with it! Where is it?"

"What on earth has gotten into you!" I yelled pulling back from him, angered by is unnecessary aggression while yanking the chain.

"Well, aren't you the slick one. Where is the bloody ring?"

"What ring? Good gracious Caledon, I have had enough of this nonsense! I can't believe I was woken up because of some dream this idiot had last night! Hiding a ring…Hiding a ring where? Why would I be hiding a ring in the first place?"

"You know damn well why, or have you forgotten our little conversation last night?" said Cal, as he pulled the covers off of me and began searching the pockets of my night gown, to which I shouted out in disgust, hitting him across the face with my pillow.

"Mr Hockley that is quite enough!" yelled Mother as she pulled him off of me. "I will not have you putting your hands on Lilly like that."

"You haven't seen the end of this Lilly, she will find it, and by God's will, that engagement will be put to an end!" he spat, glaring at me. I glared back, still putting on quite a performance, although I knew he could see the malicious grin I was hold back.

"An engagement? This is ridiculous! Honestly, if that is all, may I please go back to sleep, because clearly that man is delusional! An engagement; for Pete's sake...unbelievable!"

"Unbelievable? Ha-ha, I think it is quite believable, and of course, you being the brat that you always were, have hidden it knowing your mother would eventually find out. It's only a matter of time, I can assure you, before all this ends, before your _dream_ life comes to a miserable end!" he said, and he stormed out the room enraged that I had won this round, for he couldn't prove my guilt.

"I better not find out that you are engaged to that disgusting boy, do you hear me? I am not joking Lilly, it simply will not be tolerated. If I, God forbid, find that ring he is talking about, I promise you, you will never see that boy again, and you will not see the light of day Lilly. I will strip you of all luxuries and send you to your Aunt's in Oxford."

"Mother, Cal has been plotting against me since God knows when. There is no ring, and there is no engagement. I think if I was engaged to Kyle, I'd be proudly flashing my ring."

"I'm warning you; you had better be telling the truth."

"Do you not ever trust me? Because sometimes I think you trust that fool more than your own child. You always seem to pick his side over mine, like you love him more."

"I have heard too many lies from your mouth to be completely certain of the truth, Lilly, but I do trust that you know and understand the consequences of your actions, so if it is that you are lying to me, I suggest you come clean immediately."

"See? No trust at all. This is pathetic, really! Go Mother, go after your beloved Caledon Hockley, since he clearly does no wrong. I don't know why you didn't just marry him since you love him so much, for heavens sake! I have much better things to do. I am going back to sleep," and with that I rolled over and hid myself beneath my covers until I heard the door close behind my mother.

Cal hadn't lied when he said he'd tell Mother, and now the battle was on between us. Mother, though, was absolutely unbelievable. I don't think she knew who to believe, but she acted as though she believed Cal. Technically she would be correct, but to me, she truly was a bitch. Never put faith in me; everything was about Cal. Cal was an angel in her eyes, and he honestly could do no wrong, and he knowingly took advantage of it. This was only the beginning; I knew Mother would be in and out of my room, looking for the ring when she thought I wasn't looking. But I knew better. I knew all the cracks in the wall, all the loose floor boards. Cal had been close, very close to discovering its hiding place, although he still would have never known. I knew the only ones who knew my bedroom accessories as well as I did were the chambermaids, so little did anyone important know, I had hidden the ring within a hole in my mattress, a hole disguised by numerous layers of sheets.

When I woke later that morning I discovered that Cal had indeed left with all his belongings, which made me feel victorious, though I knew he'd be back to cause more trouble sooner or later, but as long as Mother had no proof of my engagement, I was completely safe.

A week, two weeks passed and Mother still could find no evidence to support any story of my engagement, even after she had the maids help her rummage through my belongings countless times. She always waited until I was out of the house, but I had caught her several times; each time an argument broke out between us, and each time I left her looking stupid, and soon enough, I suppose, she began to settle to believe Cal had gone mad.

Cal hadn't come around since his departure, which gave the DeWitt Bukator residence an air of tension free silence. I could tell Mother had been somewhat lonely since then, as I was in and out of the house between choir rehearsals, picnics and tea parties with my girl friends, and time well spent with Kyle. Life, thus far seemed to be looking up for me, I supposed, and I was taking sweet advantage of it.

Rumours had been flying around town that Hockley had found a new bachelorette, or "victim", as I liked to call her, but I didn't care to inquire into the matter, even though it angered me that he'd move on so quickly, or was he doing it to make me envious? It clearly affected Mother for the same reasons, and for once she didn't hold back her feelings about it.

"So I've heard Mr Hockley has begun courting again. I suppose I should be happy for him; I just didn't think it would happen so soon, and so close to Rose's 18th birthday." said Mother to me at breakfast, three weeks after Cal's departure. Rose's 18th birthday was only a few days away, and a memorial celebration had been planned, where friends and family would bring gifts, or more specifically, flowers for her memorial stone.

"Sounds quite typical of him, if you ask me: from one woman to the next. He disgusts me. He is like every other man."

"Cal is a gentleman, Lilly."

"Why do you continually convince yourself of that Mother? He's a liar! He lied to you, he lied to me, he lied to Rose, and just as easily as he walked into our lives he's walked out. It isn't my fault he left; it was bound to happen."

"Lilly, I don't think he would have stuck around for so long if he didn't care, and you know as well as I do that he loved your sister."

"Yes Mother, but how much did he really love her if he's moved on this quickly? She couldn't have meant that much if he could replace her so soon."

There was a brief moment of silence before Mother replied.

"I suppose you're right."

"Well, at least we're agreeable on something," I said, relieved to finally have that conversation in the past. Mother, however, was in a silent daze for several moments, looking around her at all our prized possessions, everything that defined our family history, and tears came to her eyes as she spoke again.

"Everything…all of this is going to disappear. Our entire lifestyle, our culture, history, memories…will be gone…and there is nothing we can do about it. God, why did you put this on our shoulders? What did I do to deserve this?"

"Don't blame God for our misfortune, Mother, it isn't just. He never meant this for us. All we can do is take life as it comes from hence forth, and be grateful for what we still have. Of course it will be hard to cope with the sudden changes, but honestly Mother, this is all material; we don't need it…any of it."

"What are you talking about 'We don't need it'? We don't have enough time before everything is lost, before we are reduced to nothing. And all of this thanks to your father; may God bless his ever so gracious soul! And your sister who…"

"Good gracious Mother, I'm not having this argument again!" I said whipping my mouth and tossing the cloth back on the table. "We're all to blame for this, because we are all just a greedy as the next. We don't work for what we have, and therefore we don't deserve it…any of it. Blaming Father isn't going to solve anything, and blaming Rose certainly won't either. If you are going to stress yourself out over something as futile as your reputation, instead of treating our situation like an adult and dealing with it, then I want no part. Now can we please drop this? I'm beginning to get a headache."

Mother looked at me a little shocked at my outburst but resumed eating in silence a few moments later. I, on the other hand, quickly realized that the whole conversation had caused me to lose my appetite. Cal…moving on…it was ridiculous! One part of me wanted to ignore him, simply not care, but another part of me wanted to know who. Whoever she was must know of his recent loss; it was well known in Philadelphia that he and Rose were to be wed. I had a strong desire to either bring harm to her and spread disease about her, not only for being so bold, but because for some reason I felt like she had taken something from me.

Before I could allow my thoughts to get the best of me I shook them off and excused myself to dress for a day of shopping with Mother to purchase decorations for the Rose's birthday celebrations.

As is the usual case after Mother and I have argued, Mother and I hardly spoke as we browsed the store. As I browsed an isle devoted to different coloured candles, and accidentally bumped into another woman.

"Oh! Excuse me," I said apologetically, but as she turned around to face me I realized who it was I had walked into, and my face instantly turned to stone.

"Well, if it isn't the 'Run-Away Vandal'!" said Eleanor Hutchins, followed by a couple a haughty giggles which, to my unpleasant surprise, came from Charlotte, my ex-friend.

"Eleanor, Charlotte…it is a 'pleasure' to see you too," I said coolly.

"Might I suggest looking ahead of you when you walk?"

"I suppose I will remember that next time."

"Well, I sure hope so! We wouldn't like you to keep up your reputation for causing damage everywhere you go. You've earned quite the name with that stunt you pulled a few weeks ago. I do say; Caledon was very upset."

"Since when does Cal confide in you?" I said as my face suddenly turned to an even harder stone; now she was trying to anger me.

"You will refer to him as Mr Hockley! I don't think he'll be happy that you refer to him with such familiarity."

"I will refer to _Cal_ however I so desire!"

"Oh my, your attitude certainly isn't your strength, and correct me if I am wrong, Charlotte, but am I sensing jealousy in her tone?" said Eleanor, Charlotte giggling at her side.

"Jealousy? Why would I possibly be jealous of you?" I chuckled sarcastically.

"My relationship with Caledon, of course!" she replied, probably expecting me to get angry, but instead received an expression of utter bewilderment. "Why, didn't you know that Cal and I have been courting, or have you been too tied up in your fantasy love affair with Mr Carpenter? My god, it has been the talk of the town! I sometimes wonder if it will ever end, so that he and I can at least get some privacy."

"You…you are Cal's new 'bachelorette'?" I ridiculed. "Cal doesn't even like you enough to share the same air as you, far less kiss you."

"Oh Lilly, you're so foolish. You are simply too jealous to accept it, aren't you?"

"For the last time, I am _not_jealous."

"Don't lie, Lilly. Charlotte has told me of all the times you came to her complaining about being confused about your affair with him. You just want him for yourself, don't you? Quite frankly, I don't know what about you could have possibly drawn his attention, but I am glad he has come to his senses. And perhaps you should be careful, Lilly; juggling two men at once can land you in a sticky spot, not to mention we wouldn't like to think that you'd break poor Kyle's heart, after he's bent over backward for you. That would be a shame."

"Ah Charlotte, it is nice to see where your allegiance lies. I suppose she deliberately forgot to mention the reason we are no longer friends; that it concerns her only becoming friends with individuals in order to get closer to their men," I replied, giving Charlotte an expression which said 'I see what you're doing, but can do it better,' to which I earned a deathly glare from Charlotte.

"If I remember correctly, I was the one who told you that you'd be better off with Mr Hockley, but you couldn't disagree more. When I _playfully_ threatened to take him for myself, you got angry, claiming him for yourself," replied Charlotte.

"I told you that you were too good for him, because I know what he is like. That is when you turned and acted as though I wanted him for myself. Now look at you, tailing _her_ for a man you'll never get, even when he's done with her."

"I'd be careful if I were you, Lilly," replied Eleanor coolly in Charlotte's defence.

"No Eleanor, I think you're the one who needs to be careful, because if there is one thing I know about Cal, it's that he isn't afraid to break an innocent heart if it is for his own gain, and I can assure you, you will end up hurt."

"You know nothing of our relationship! How dare you!"

"Yes, in fact, I do. You are the one who doesn't know about your own relationship. However, if you knew anything about the relationship I have with him, then you'd know that I am one of the very few Cal EVER confided in, and I can be certain that you will never know that man the way I do."

"He does confide in me."

"Oh yeah? And I suppose he's told you his fears, his weaknesses. I suppose you know what will and will not try his patience. I suppose you know his deepest secrets."

"I know enough to know never to disturb him when he is working and that he likes to drink brandy quietly before he retires to bed."

"Oh my, well I suppose you do know quite a lot about him," I said sarcastically. "That certainly explains quite a bit to me. As far as I know, Cal only drinks before sleeping when he is depressed or angry. His drinking problem seemed have been resolved before our dispute, but I guess present circumstances can't be too comforting to him; I mean, he is lying to so many people, and if his plan backfires, well, it can hurt more than just his reputation."

Eleanor glared and opened her mouth to respond harshly but was cut off as Cal appeared behind her.

"Ah Lilly!" said Cal, kissing my check gently, and squeezed my shoulder tightly as he pulled back. "It's been a while. Nice to see that you are well and still up and about." I could tell by his tone that his pleasured greeting was a fib; the only way I could possibly still have such freedom was if Mother hadn't yet found the ring.

"Indeed! It's nice to hear the same for you," I replied, acknowledging his silent displeasure. There was a moment of silence during which he and I shared a gaze of underlying hate. He looked down quickly at Eleanor who looked rather displeased with our interaction and proceeded to officially introduce me to our new battle.

"I see you've met the new lady in my life, to whom I believe you were already previously acquainted."

"Yes indeed. Out to break another girl's heart with your _deceptive_ charm, eh Cal" I teased; it had worked on me, and even he admitted I was hard to crack, so it would definitely work on Eleanor. "She must be a jewel for you to be smitten by her so quickly and so easily. Not even Rose had such an effect!" I joked, smiling broadly, and I could see Eleanor glaring from the corner of my eye, while Cal shifted uncomfortably not wanting the truth to come out, and not realizing that Eleanor and I already had our confrontation regarding the matter.

"She is. I suppose one has to force himself to move on from a grieving period at some point. Luckily for me that came in the form of a beautiful girl," he replied, placing his arm around Eleanor's shoulder and kissing her on the cheek. She sent me a triumphant smile which I returned with undisguised disgust.

"Oh Cal, you're a darling. Why must you overwhelm me with such compliments," Eleanor said blushing. I couldn't believe she was falling for his nonsense, and I could tell from Charlotte's expressions that she too was thinking the same.

"Well, it's the least I can do to prove my affections for you."

"It certainly is the least," I remarked; this alone was proof that he didn't care for her at all. Cal was known for showering the women he loved with expensive gifts, and knowing her, if he had given her gifts, she'd be flashing it for the world to see, but she looked rather ordinary. Inside I could feel my anger rising; he wanted revenge and this was our battle to fight, but instead he was including people who needn't be included. As much as I didn't like Eleanor, I didn't think it was fair that she be taken for a ride like this, especially seeing as she was the daughter of a family friend. "Well Eleanor, good for you. I do say, hold on to him; take it from me, he is a hard one to tie down!"

"I don't think that will be much of a problem. I'm quite sure I have accomplished that already."

"Oh dear, you mustn't say so. With this man, you haven't tied him down until you have his ring on your finger! And even then you can't be too sure. Isn't that right Cal!"

I was beginning to get nasty although I maintained an unscathed smile, and I could see both Cal and Eleanor getting irritated, obviously for different reasons. I felt good exposing Cal as the fake, deceptive fraud that he was, but I felt sick thinking that he'd lie through his teeth and then seal it with a kiss. Cal made no comment regarding that matter, and instead quickly changed the topic.

"Oh yes, that actually reminds me that I have a surprise for you Eleanor!" From his jacket pocket, Cal pulled out two pieces of paper, which looked strangely familiar. "I, my dear, got us tickets on the SS France this August. I am taking you to Paris."

My face fell instantly. This was definitely an unexpected blow. He had gone as far as taking her on a luxury liner to go to Paris, all to make his story believable. I watched in disgust as Eleanor jumped in excitement, hugging him and showering his with kisses. He gave me a smug grin as he pushed her off, disapproving of the public display of affection. So far he seemed to have the upper hand, though I was fighting hard, and I couldn't deny to myself anymore that I was, in fact, getting jealous. That was something he'd normally do for me, not for her; but was anything he ever did for me before sincere, or was he playing me just as he is playing Eleanor? The memory of him saying 'you were good while it lasted' played again for the first time in weeks and I felt myself suddenly with the desire to tear her hair out. I realized that perhaps Eleanor was right in saying that I did want him for myself, or maybe Charlotte had been right in saying that even if I didn't want him, I still didn't want him with anyone else; after all, he trusted my opinions, and he should first get my consent before running after some girl.

"So soon? Are you sure you are ready to go back on another ship, Cal? I mean, doesn't it still bother you?" I asked.

"It does, but like I said before, and unlike someone I know, one must get over his grievances, challenge his fears and do what is right for those around him and himself." He was attempting to attack my flight to New York as though he was handling his disappointment in me in a more civilized manner, but I wasn't buying it and refused to take offence.

"Well, good luck with that, sir, and to you Eleanor. I wish you both the best. It is good to see that you are coping with your trials so maturely; attacking them head on, instead allowing them to get out of hand."

My sarcasm was evident and Cal knew by my tone that I was telling him he was taking it much too far, instead of just dealing with me directly. I wanted to hit him! Over a stupid engagement ring and a sold Christmas present, he was acting like a fool. I hadn't yet paid him back the 200 I had stolen, and now felt as though paying him back would make me appear weak. This battle was a constant game of tug-of-war; one commits a crime against the other and the other repays the next with another crime. The question was: why did I care so much? Why did he care so much? Why was it a constant battle? Why couldn't I just walk away and discontinue it? But somehow, for some reason, both of us seemed to need to prove to the next that we didn't need the other; that we didn't care…but the fact that we were constantly at each other's throat trying to prove ourselves must have meant that we did actually care.

"Lilly?" came my mother's voice from the next isle.

"I need to be getting back to what I was doing, excuse me," I said turning away, not wanting to look at Cal, but that very moment, Mother rounded the corner.

"Lilly? Oh there you are. I've been looking for you. I need your opinion on…Mr Hockley!"

"Ruth, how are you?"

"Fine thank you. It's so delightful to see you! I take it you are well?"

"Indeed. I do believe you have met Miss Eleanor Hutchins? And I'm sure you must know Charlotte."

"Yes I do. It is a pleasure to see you both," said my mother, receiving a relatively pleasant smile from the two girls. Mother looked from the girls to Cal, as if to ask which one was the bachelorette everyone was speaking of, but said nothing knowing it was an inappropriate question, but Cal didn't hesitate to inform her.

"Eleanor and I have been quite friendly as of recent, as you may have heard."

"Ah yes. Well, I am happy to see that you are happy, both of you," she said, though I could sense an underlying disapproval. Mother looked at Eleanor with almost the same disgust she had with Jack when Rose has introduced him. I felt a little warmer knowing that Mother and I were sharing a similar impression of her; she had stolen him from us, which could never be a good thing to my mother.

"I don't suppose you have forgotten about Rose's birthday celebrations; it is only four days from today. Lilly and I are currently shopping for decorations. I trust you will make it?"

"Yes of course; I wouldn't miss it," said Cal, appearing surprisingly sincere.

"Cal, Father's luncheon is on that day. You know Father wouldn't be too happy if you missed it," said Eleanor, groping Cal's arm. He flinched slightly, and I could see in his eyes that he wished she wouldn't cling to him, and I grinned.

"Hmm, yes, well I suppose I must schedule my day so I can attend both. Surely you don't expect me to miss my late fiancée's birthday celebrations, Eleanor." Eleanor opened her mouth to argue her case, but Cal cut her off. "I'm quite positive your father will understand." His voice had a clear tone of finality in it, which Eleanor clearly didn't take too lightly as she was pouting in disbelief.

"Cal, I wouldn't like to think that we are causing you to question your priorities. It is quite understandable if you are expected at a luncheon that day, you do not have to come if it is too much trouble," I said, knowing that it was annoying him that Eleanor's presence was now affecting anything that he did and anywhere he wanted to go. His plan was having straining effects on his personal space, and it was entertaining for me to watch him act as though he really wanted her around. He wasn't a man to have anyone decide for him what he should or shouldn't do, he was a grown man, after all, and Eleanor was clearly one to cross that boundary.

"I have my priorities straight Lilly. It is important to me that I come for Rose, even if only for an hour. Believe me; I will be sure to make it."

Mother and I both looked satisfied that he at least wasn't allowing that conniving girl to get the best of him. Not appearing to Rose's birthday would have horrible effects on his image, whether or not he was with someone else. It also satisfied me that Eleanor didn't seem to know that the SS France, while it was a fast, French luxury liner, it was a small ship, and already had a reputation for being a "bumpy ride" after only a few crossings since it launch in April; Cal would never take her on a ship as luxurious as the Titanic. My only concern now was how long he would actually be able to hold up his lie, before Eleanor finally causes Cal to lose his patience.

After an intense staring match between Cal and me, Eleanor got uncomfortable with the awkward silence and cleared her throat to get Cal's attention. We bid our farewells, and returned to our respective responsibilities. Mother and I, of course, gossiped about how much the pair of us disapproved of Eleanor, and what Cal's parents must have been thinking. It appeared as though she and I were finally getting along, continuing right up until Rose's birthday celebrations.

Our yard was filled with neighbours, friends and family, all socializing and drinking champagne. Not many seemed to really pay much attention to Rose's memorial, as though they had only come for an excuse to socialize in a fancy gathering. Of course, I spent much of my time with my friends, away from the everyday chatter of high society, pondering on my sister's whereabouts, but most of all, secretly wondering if Caledon Hockley was going to show up. It was evening and he hadn't yet made his appearance, and I kept thinking to myself that not even his brother was that much of a bastard; his entire family was there, and he seemed to be cooped up with his new girlfriend at some pointless, pathetic luncheon at the Hutchins residence.

It wasn't until about 7 o'clock that he finally decided to grace us with his presence. Most guests had already left, including my guests, so his entrance was quite obvious, but at this point I figured that he might as well have not shown up at all. I didn't bother to greet him, as a polite host would normally do; instead I exited to the piano room to be alone.

I had never been a good piano player like Rose had been, but that never prevented me from trying to put together the few songs I had at one point learnt. The sound of the chords was soothing to my ears, just as a voice was, and I closed my eyes to take in every note as though it would heal my scars or make my conflicts disappear for just a moment of peace. It was here that Father would encourage his daughters to take advantage of their musical abilities. Rose soon found that she enjoyed ballet, although she grew out of it, and began playing classical pieces on the piano, and I grew a passion for singing. Mother used to watch through the door, proud that we were turning out to be proper girls, despite the fact we loved to run and scream in the mud and dirt outside. But we were young, and the problems between my parents hadn't escalated yet; they could still smile at each other, laugh with each other or dance in each others arms. Those days were happy, but it wasn't long after that everything seemed to change.

"You're awful," Cal said candidly, leaning against the open doorway behind me. I hadn't even noticed him open the door.

"You startled me," I replied with little expression at all, and without turning to look at him.

"My apologies."

"I almost thought you wouldn't come," I remarked as I continued playing with a little less concentration.

"Mr Hutchins kept me; he is quite the talker," he said with a chuckle, but stopped when I didn't share his enthusiasm, and stopped playing, my frustration visible from behind. "You're angry."

"Good of you to notice."

"At least I came. I had all intention to come. I wouldn't miss it just for Eleanor."

"Of course you wouldn't Cal, because you don't love her," I said, keeping my voice calm, and finally turning to look Cal in the face. "You can quit acting civilized toward me; there is no one around to hide your animosity from."

"I'm not looking for a fight."

"Oh, well that's a first."

"I don't think I need to explain my intentions with my woman to you, and I'd suggest that you mind your business."

"That is strange, seeing as you're only trying to push my buttons. I'm not stupid Cal, I know you better than most women, and I know your revenge tactics. One thing I can assure you is that I will not succumb to it; I'm better than that. If anything, you're only proving my point, that you are a jerk. I don't know why you'd expect me to feel guilty for anything I've done when you stoop to the same level. What are you trying to prove Cal?"

"I'm not trying to prove anything to you Lilly, I don't think I need to. I abandoned you, which I think is enough revenge. It's ridiculous that you'd think that I'd use Miss Hutchins to fight my battles, especially one as ridiculous as you. I wouldn't go through all that trouble over a girl I don't even love."

"Of course not; you'd just seduce them instead for your own sick pleasure. I mean, it almost successfully worked on me; it will certainly work on her, who drools over you like a sick puppy. From what I hear, you've been trying to humiliate me by feeding her stories, convincing her that you actually confide all you feelings in her. Good god, Cal, you don't even like her! This is just your stupid attempt to make me jealous."

"Well, if that really was the case, then I'd say that it was working. A woman who doesn't care would never get as worked up as you are right now. But, unfortunately for you, I do like Miss Hutchins."

"Well you had quite a quick change of heart; only a few weeks prior to any rumours, you expressed to me your passionate distaste for her. I find it odd that your mind changed only after we had our disagreement."

"Believe as you wish Lilly. What is interesting to me, however, is how you've managed to hide your engagement for so long," he said, taking a few steps closer to me but still keeping a healthy distance.

"What interests me is how much you concern yourself in business that clearly does not concern you. A man who doesn't care about a woman wouldn't spend so much of his time trying to strip her of her reputation."

"Or rather, try to preserve her reputation; I do believe that is, in actuality, the motive of my concern."

"Yes, I suppose so, while you tell your lover that I am 'run-away vandal'."

"No, I'm sorry to tell you that you brought that upon yourself, without me telling her anything. If that is what she told you then she isn't entirely inaccurate. It was all over the papers," he said matter-of-factly, as he took another sip of his brandy. "You know Lilly…this can be settled easily if you just come clean about the whole thing. That way, no one gets hurt."

"No one gets hurt? No one gets hurt? I suppose Mother stripping me of any privilege I currently have and sending me away to my Aunt's in Oxford, who I hate, by the way, is not going to hurt me."

"Well you should have thought out that when you still had the opportunity to keep those privileges. You can only be blamed for that. Either way, I will find a way to get you for it."

"God Cal, you act like such a child sometimes, yet complain about me. Get over it already," I said, making my way out of the room, but as I passed him, he deliberately pumped into my right shoulder.

"Where are you going?" he asked, turning to me and pushing his free hand in his pocket.

"I'm tired; you exhaust me," was my reply without turning back to him, and with that I retired to my bedroom balcony for a bit of summer night relaxation, until about an hour later, when one of our ladies summoned me back down on my mother command.

Mother had summoned me since all the remaining folk were leaving and it was clearly impolite for me not to bid them farewell, although it seemed rather pointless saying goodbye to the Hockleys, as they were still not speaking to me. Mrs Hockey, who was normally the most gracious out of the lot, kissed my mother's cheek, and passed me straight without acknowledging that I had even spoken, as though I wasn't even there. They walked through door and waited for Cal to join them, as Mother and I stood in the door way, but looking back at him, it appeared that he was transfixed to something glistening on the floor.

"My goodness…what do we have here?" he asked quite sarcastically as he bend down to pick up what I quickly recognized to be my engagement ring; it had been in my right pocket…he knew, and that is why he pumped into me.

"What is it?" asked my mother, taking a step closer.

"It looks a lot like an engagement ring!" he said with this disgusting grin of defeat glued to his face, and Mother looked at me with a mix of horror and anger.

"You're a bastard…" was all I could bring myself to say. The only emotion I could bring forth was loath, though inside I felt as though my entire world was shattering and there was nothing I could do about it. Mother took the ring from Cal, examined it for a couple of seconds before speaking.

"You…you deceitful child. I was beginning to think that perhaps, for once, you weren't lying to me, but I suppose, once again, I am justified in believing Mr Hockley. How long did you think you could keep this from me? And what is worse, is that that boy enters into my house, greeting me as if I were a queen, yet lying to my face!"

"Can you honestly do nothing without making a fool of yourself, Lilly?" asked Jeremy, somewhat amused by the whole situation. I said nothing, acting as though he wasn't there; the only people who existed to me at the moment were Cal, Mother and myself.

"Can I have my ring back now…"

"Don't be stupid Lily," my mother growled.

"Well then, I expect you will do the humane thing, and give it back to Kyle when you officially spoil our future."

"Don't give me lip."

"I'm not! It really isn't necessary for me to argue, because it's no use. I'm sick of all this, all the fights; I'm exhausted. I just expect that you will give him back the ring he bought for me, the way it should be done, without going through the unnecessary."

"I will deal with this matter the way I see fit. You are under my roof, and therefore follow my rule. What you wish no longer concerns me, and being polite about this whole situation is not an approach I can take anymore."

"Seems to me that you never did really care for my wishes, nor did you care about what Rose wanted…then called us selfish." My comment earned me a hard strike across my cheek and a finger pointed at my face in warning, but I didn't react to it at all, as though I hadn't felt it. Instead, I turned to Cal, who seemed quite satisfied by his achievement, and said, "Congratulations…I hope you're proud of yourself; you beat me. Excuse me."

I had nothing to say, nothing that I could feel. I felt numb, extremely angered, though outwardly I could not express it, and nothing seemed worth living for. I shut myself in my bedroom and stood in one spot in the middle of the room, just staring blankly and the wall ahead of me, glowing slightly from the reflected moonlight, while inside me everything seemed to be raging; my heart was pumping heavier than normal, my mind was racing at an alarming rate, a felt as though my stomach would come through my throat, and the silence seemed loud.

Eventually, as if I was being drawn by a string, I felt myself walking into my bathroom, turning on the light and staring at my plain, white face in the mirror. I let down my hair, and the dark, lengthy, flaming curls seem enticing, and I grabbed a pair of scissors from near by. At first I held the scissors to my chest, then to my throat…I wasn't sure which would be the better way out, but instead I grabbed a little oh my hair in my hand and started cutting vigorously at it. For some reason, there was much more of a thrill in seeing my auburn locks drop to the floor than the idea of suicide, but it wasn't long before a chambermaid burst in, in absolute horror.

"Miss Lilly! What are you doing!" She cried, intervening in attempt to separate me from the pair of silver blades, but I pulled away and rounded on her.

"Don't you dare touch me! Stay away from me," I said, sounding almost demonic, with the scissors pointed to her throat, edging closer with every step she took back.

"Miss, calm down. Put the scissors down. Violence is not the answer."

"Don't lecture me on how to live my life; I get enough of it from my mother!"

"Miss, please, think rationally about what you are doing!" she whimpered, and I led her backwards to my bedroom door.

"Get out!" I screamed at her, pushing her through the door and slamming it in her face. I didn't know what had gotten into me; the rage seemed to be getting the best of me, and screaming again in my anger, I stabbed the scissors into the door, where they remained stuck and headed back to the bathroom slamming the door behind me.

I picked up the locks of hair from the floor slightly panicked, only now becoming aware of what I had done, and stared myself, horrified, in the mirror. It was quite obvious where I had cut; quite a large chunk was missing on one side. Allowing the locks to fall from my hand into the sink, it became official: I needed to find an escape, something I should have done when I had the chance, as Rose had done. My emotions could no longer be contained and I began pacing, back and forth again and again, tears streaming down my face.

Calming myself finally, I struggled out of my gown, stripping to my undergarments, and ran the cold water until my tub was filled. Dipping my toes in, I felt an instant chill up my spine, and hesitated to step my entire foot in, but after some thought, I figured that I should have died on the Titanic, as my sister nearly had and as so many other innocent souls had; it would be a suicide in honour of all those who deserved to have lived.

Finally I stepped in and took what I hoped to be my final breath, and then engulfed my body in the water. Submerged, I had a flashback to the moment during the sinking when the detached funnel created a wave that threw out of the live boat. I remembered the look I gave Cal, and I remember what it felt like beneath the boat, unable to find my way to the ocean surface. I remembered the piercing iciness of the water, even though the water I was currently submerged in wasn't remotely comparable. However, this time, I imagined what it would have been like had I been pulled further beneath the surface, unable to open my eyes, unable to think straight, the desire to take a breath but knowing my lungs would filled with water if I did. Was this what Rose had experienced? I knew that many others had, and it was horrible; I still heard the screams in my dreams.

My lungs were beginning to ache, and bubbles of carbon dioxide were escaping from my blueing lips as I struggled to hold my breath a little longer. Only my hands weren't submerged, pressed against the walls of the tub holding myself beneath the water, but as I struggled, my fingers were becoming weak and cold, and I began scraping my nails into the tub walls. My eyes shut even tighter, my head flung to the side, and my toes curled. Why was I forcing myself to hold on to that last breath if I wanted it to be the end? Why was I fighting so hard against death if that was what I wanted? Shouldn't I give up, breathe in, and just allow myself to drown myself as water filled my lungs?

Suddenly, I heard a muffled sound of people bursting into the bathroom and yelling my name in horror, and shock-stricken, my eyes shot open and I accidentally inhaled some water. Instantly I flung myself out of the water, hanging over the side of the tub trying to breathe, coughing uncontrollably until I could finally heave in a gulp of air. I heard many voices in the room, but my vision was blurred, and I felt strong hands pull me out of the tub, and set me on the floor to sit while someone else threw a towel around me.

"What on earth were you thinking!" came my mother's shrill voice. I slowly raised my head in the direction her voice had come, and I saw her look from me to the sink, picking up the cut locks horrified.

"What does it look like?" I replied quietly and coarsely, not caring who else was in the room.

"Is this your idea of a joke?"

"Yes, of course Mother, I wanted to surprise you!"

"Oh, and I suppose this is the way you handle your problems? I could have lost you! How am I expected to endure losing my only living child, losing my entire family within one year? Have you lost your mind? Why would you do this?"

"Why do you even ask those questions? You know the answers. I'd rather be dead that live to please you! You speak of how you feel like they are the only emotions that matter. Have you stopped to think about how I feel, how I've been feeling, or how I have felt since Father died, and even before that? Have you even considered how I have been affected by everything that has occurred over the past year? I have nightmares, I'm confused, and it's only being made worse by everyone else around me. The only thing I have that is my own is being taken from me, and I am getting nothing worth having in return! The least you can do is allow me to be happy! But that is too much for you, isn't it! I'm sick of it! What is the sense in living if I am going to live miserably?"

"I am trying to protect you! You are just a girl. You've experienced nothing; you're naïve! That is my job as a mother, and it is my desire as a mother to see that my daughter get only the absolute best! Why is that so hard for you to understand? I am try to make ends meet, and I will do what I have to do to ensure our success, even if it means taking from you what satisfies your girlish desires. I am doing this for your own good!"

"I don't want your protection!" I said coldly, pushing passed everyone and out of the bathroom. My mother followed me out to continue the argument.

"I don't care what you want! You are going to do exactly as I tell you, and that is final."

"Get out!"

"One day you will thank me."

"I highly doubt that! Now leave me alone."

"I am not a servant! Do not speak to me like that! Your Father would have never tolerated it!"

"Well he isn't here to correct me is he?"

"Don't you disrespect me!"

In my fierceness, I strode over to my mother as though on a mission, and struck her face with all the pent up energy I could no longer contain. There was a loud smack, and all the servants, men included, gasped, as I towered over my mother as high as I could, glaring directly into her eyes. She help her face, stepping away from me. She informed everyone except two chambermaids to leave, instructing the remaining to remain in my room to keep watch of my every move, giving them permission to take any action necessary to keep me under their control. All she said to me before exiting was that I was finished. She officially had me under house arrest, under constant surveillance, and I could no longer order anyone to do anything; the game had switched on me now.

Once the door was shut my chambermaids attempted to assist me out of my wet undergarments, but I brushed them off, changed into my night gown, braided my hair, and tucked myself into bed…though I felt I'd never get to sleep with two people watching me.

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: Hey guys! I am sorry it's been so long, I almost gave up on it, but I couldn't leave the story unfinished. School has been stressing me out, and I have pretty much not had a break for 2 years straight. This summer is the first real holiday I've have in a long time, I almost don't know what to do with it. For the past year I have been unable to come up with decent enough ideas for this chapter, and I was getting frustrated, then finally decided to erase half of the chapter and rewrite. Hopefully this chapter is good, and hopefully you didn't forget everything that happened in the last few chapters (I know I did; I had to read back to get a feel for where I was going with this chapter). I don't expect that the next chapter will take quite as long. Read and Review! **


	17. Chapter 17

Lilly's Memoirs

Chapter 17 – A Chapter Ends and a New One Begins

The first three days of my incarceration I spend cooped up in my bedroom, refusing to come out, to see anyone, or even to eat. I was hungry, but I lack an appetite and refused to accept anyone's pity. I especially didn't want to see Mother's face, nor had she even made the effort to come to check on me.

I spent my time out on my balcony, a notebook open before me on the tea table, twirling a pen between my fingers. My mind was racing with words that I could write, but they all moved much too fast for me to write them before another thought was in my head. I wanted to write a note to my friends, to Kyle, to let them know the situation, considering I had missed out on three days worth of events without warning and without reason. They had no idea what was going on. But what was the use? Mother would never pass on the message.

Meanwhile, I was sure Cal was strutting, proud of his achievement; parading around a girl he didn't love; like a priceless wooden trophy, only to anger me; and, to make it worse, it was working. I couldn't bear to think of him with her, kissing her, her hands all over him as though he was a golden statue, while I was here locked away from the world, unable to see the one I loved. I hated her, and I hated him more for doing this to me. Why had he done it in the first place? Why was my engagement so important to him that he had to make it his duty to take it all away from me; for what purpose? It couldn't possibly be that he wanted me for himself…we weren't even speaking anymore. That man confused me, and I was stupid enough to fall for it…me, of all people, who was never gullible.

I heard a knock on my door, and looked back to see Mrs Herbert coming in with a tray of breakfast. She came out to me, closed and moved my notebook and lay the tray down. I could smell the eggs tempting my taste buds, but I refused to indulge.

"I suppose everyone else has lost hope in getting me to eat."

"Lilly, you must put something in that stomach of yours. You haven't eaten for three days!"

"I'm not hungry."

"Nonsense!"

"I'm not going to eat it!"

"Yes, you are."

After a moment of her watching me sternly with her hands on her hips, I finally picked up a cracker and ate it, but didn't eat anything more.

"Are you happy?"

"No I am not. I didn't prepare this for you to have you waste it, and I am not leaving this spot until I see that plate whipped clean, do you understand me?" I didn't want to, but I couldn't bear having her stand there pestering me to eat, and my stomach was beginning to get impatient with me, so I began to eat. Mrs Herbert sat down in another seat and sighed, "You know, this was bound to happen Lilly. You know how your mother is and I warned you. Now don't start pointing fingers," she said quickly noticing my defensive look, "I do not agree with your mother; I think he is a wonderful young man. But, she did tell you the consequences if you lied, and you did, she found out and now you've landed yourself in the spot you're in."

"Is she really going to send me to Oxford? Honestly, where is she going to get the money to send me, unless Aunty Phyllis pays for it?"

"Well, I doubt she will send you off. She isn't quite prepared to be lonely yet."

"I'm not sure she'll notice the difference with me not here."

"Don't say that! Your mother loves you very much, whether you believe it or not. It breaks her heart to see you like this. I see her distress when you aren't looking, and she bottles it up so tightly; that is where the two of your really differ."

"The only things she and I have in common are our similar looks and our last name. Otherwise, she and I are two very different individuals."

"My dear, you'd be surprised. There are many things you don't know about your mother. She is trying to ensure you take the proper route," she said, laying a hand gently upon my shoulder. The statement took me by surprise that my mother could possibly have had a secret past, but I chose not to push the matter; what mattered most was who she had become.

I eventually finished eating and Mrs Herbert left me to return to twirling the pen between my fingers. Later on in the day I heard some commotion at the front gate and went to the edge of my balcony to see what it was. My face lit up when I saw that it was Kyle, arguing with a steward about why he wasn't permitted on the premises, until he finally pushed passed him and strode up the driveway. I yelled down to him in excitement and he returned a smile and a salute.

I ran out of my room for the first time in days to greet him at the door but Mother had reached there first.

"Good day Mrs DeWitt Bukator," he said pleasantly, but my mother didn't reply the same.

"I do believe the steward informed you that you were not permitted on the premises Mr Carpenter. There must be a reason for that, which must also be the reason I am not returning the false greeting you just gave me."

"I'm sorry? My greeting was not false Ma'am, and I am not sure what I have done to offend you. I came because I have not seen or heard from your daughter in days; I was worried about her," Kyle, in utter confusion, glanced at me standing a few metres behind Mother.

"I'm sure you have. Perhaps this will clue you in to the reason you haven't seen her or heard from her, and will shed some light on my reason for disallowing you at this house," Mother replied, pushing the ring in his face. He kept silent, looking at me with hidden anguish, but kept his composure well.

"I see."

"Yes, you do don't you. You, like her, have deliberately kept this unlawful engagement quiet, knowing that I would disapprove. Then you have the audacity to come into my house and disrespect me by laying your filthy hands on my daughter. At least Mr Hockley was honest enough to bring the truth forward."

"Caledon Hockley?"

"Yes, Caledon Hockley; an honest, respectful man; someone you could never be."

"Of course not, Mother, he's already a better man." I said from behind her. She gave me a devilish warning glare, which clearly advised me that it was in my best interest not to speak.

"Mrs DeWitt Bukator, I am sorry to have lied, but I would not have done it had not been Lilly's wish. I'd do anything for her. She has been there for me when others weren't. I love her very much, and believe me, I would do nothing to harm her or disrespect her."

"Don't attempt now to shower me with apologies; you don't regret it at all. You know nothing of love! Neither of you do! Nor are you even worthy enough to be with her. She began to turn rotten the moment you stepped into her life! Influencing her, giving her a bad reputation, degrading her, dishonouring her and her family!"

"Not once have I ever done anything to dishonour her, nor will I ever influence her into any such thing! I have been brought up a man of God, and I'd do nothing but treat her as a gift!"

"A man of God!" Mother repeated, dying with a sarcastic laugh, ridiculing Kyle's claim to his Christianity. "Your kind mock God with such false claims; why must you good for nothing folk always try to bite off more than you can chew? What makes you think that you can give to my daughter what she needs when you can hardly take care of yourself, with your half rated home, clothing, and upbringing."

"Pardon me, Madam, but how dare you insinuate that my upbringing is half rated! I may not be the wealthiest man in the world, but insinuating that my upbringing is any less worthy than yours, would be stooping to the same level you have just judged me for. My mother has devoted her life to ensuring that her only child had the best moral and religious upbringing she could, so that I could be the best man I could be in the future."

"I do not care what future your mother intended for you. Clearly she has failed, and you certainly have no future with my daughter! I have put up with this nonsense for much too long and all I have gotten in return is disrespect, and an unrespectable daughter influenced by an unrespectable boy."

"My goodness, Lilly, is she always like this?" I didn't reply, but he knew what my answer would be. Mother couldn't believe her ears and she turned to look at me and back at him. This was the most disrespectful Kyle had ever been to anybody that I could remember, which could only possibly occur if he had been truly offended.

"Take your ring and leave these premises immediately! You are unwelcome here, and if I find you roaming around here again, or even so much as making eye contact with my daughter ever again, I will have you arrested, mark my words!" said Mother in fury.

"You can't do that!" I yelled at her, shoving her shoulder.

"I can and I will! And if I find out you are in any contact with him at all, expect your punishment to be worsened. You are under my control now. I have been much to lenient with you, and now you and this foolish boy will have to face the consequences."

"This isn't fair!"

"Of course it isn't fair! You can't expect to be treated fairly if you continuously defy me and betray my trust!"

"Fine! If that is what you want, if this is the way it is going to be, then I am leaving. If you can't accept me now, then I suppose you never will," said Kyle, fed up of the nonsense, and unable to control his anger much longer, he turned and began walking toward the gate.

"No, Kyle!" I exclaimed, running behind him. "You can't just leave without putting up a fight. You can't just leave me!"

"Your mother doesn't want me here."

"Who cares what my mother wants! What about fighting for what is right? For love?"

"She has just insulted both me and my mother, Lilly. If I am to deal with that for the rest of our existence then I want no part," he proclaimed, pulling his arm from my grip and continuing toward the gate. I was left there, feeling as though he'd just abandoned me, left me to the wolves.

"So that's it! You're just leaving, forgetting everything we've stood for!"

"Yes!" he shouted back in anger. I felt the colour drain from my face, as my heart crumbled under the feeling of betrayal. I lunged after him just as he arrived at the gate, drew him around to face me.

"You're putting aside ten years of friendship, ten years of loyalty, over a stupid woman?"

"Yes!" he stressed, not attempting to fight me off.

"I thought you loved me! Where has all that gone, hmm? Or has everyone been right about you, that you've just been a fake?" He didn't reply to me, avoiding eye contact; he didn't even appear remotely remorseful for hurting me this way. In utter disbelief and rage, I struck him for the first time, something I thought I'd never do. "Is that it? Then go!" I yelled, striking him again, beginning to get increasingly violent, until he began to retaliate.

"Don't hit me!" He exclaimed, gripping my arm tightly, but never raising a hand to me.

"Don't tell me what to do, you coward! You're the one running at the first test of our strength! What else am I supposed to think of you, when you deny you ever loved me!"

"I'm the coward? You are the one who insisted we keep this a secret from the world! I did all of this for you, because you feared what everyone would think, and you're angry with me? Honestly, if there is anyone who should be angry, it is me! All the while, while I was nothing but completely loyal to you, you were off wondering whether your loyalty lay with me or with that bastard Hockley!"

"How dare you! I never once questioned my loyalty to you!"

"Don't try denying it Lilly; I could see it for myself. Of course, you'd hide it when you're falling for the one man who has done nothing but try to tear us apart, and look; now he has! I know that you have kissed him several times, yet somehow, I never bothered to confront you about it, because I chose to trust you to make the right choice. You're the one who hides so much behind this head strong image so as not to appear vulnerable, that you forget who you really are, and place the blame on everyone without for a second looking at yourself. But yet, you have the nerve to call me a coward!"

"Is that what you think of me then? Is that honestly what you think of me?"

"Yes, it is, Lilly."

"Then you're a jerk like the rest of them!" I said, pushing him through the gate, shutting him out and walking back toward my house.

"That is exactly what I'm talking about! You haven't even apologized to me about Hockley; instead you accuse me of not loving you and call me a jerk."

I replied to him by giving him a rude hand gesture, and he shook his head in disbelief and walked away, kicking at the gravel on the roadside. Mother had remained at the door as we disputed, and stepped aside to let me re-enter.

"I told you, as everyone else did too, that that boy was rotten," she said unsympathetically as I passed her.

"I hope you're satisfied!" I replied without a glance, continuing my stride to my bedroom.

"This was bound to happen, Lilly, and you should be thankful that I decided to end it before it could get too far."

"Will you shut up for once in your life! You got what you wanted! You can go celebrate your triumph with Hockley, mock my stupidity, I don't care! Now, for God's sake, leave me alone!"

My pleading was sincere, obvious from the tears that were streaming down my cheeks and my breathlessness. I felt as though my heart had sunk into my stomach, and the air was suffocating me, and my feet were dragging as I tried to keep upright as I made my way with increasing difficulty to the sanctuary of my bedroom. Mother left me as I asked, but did so reluctantly; she felt no remorse at all…but I suppose she shouldn't when this was exactly what she wanted. Once I was alone I cried myself to sleep and didn't wake until the following morning; I'd never slept so long and dreamlessly.

The next few weeks I spent in solitude, without a single visitor, avoiding any contact with Mother, and writing letters to Rose that would never leave my room. I had no address to send the letters to, so instead I'd spend time each afternoon that it didn't rain in the garden at Rose's memorial, speaking to the marble as though it was her. Sometimes I thought I was going crazy speaking to stone, but I found consolation of some sort from the idea that my big sister was hearing and feeling my pain. I wished everyday she was still around, being my best friend that she'd always been until recently, and now I had lost Kyle, my next closest confident.

A couple of days after Kyle and I stopped talking, Mrs Hockley came to have tea with Mother, during which they discussed Kyle's recent knack for destruction. Apparently, after our ordeal, he took a trip to the Hockley Manor where he and Caledon got into a brawl over what happened. Mrs Hockley, in disgust, described that Caledon had to get stitches and that some of his belonging had be smashed. Eleanor had received a mouthful from him as well when she confronted him. Kyle had to be escorted by police off the property and had been charged, and it was possible he'd have a short sentence to serve.

Meanwhile, Mother had begun her scavenge for young, rich, intelligent and well brought up men who could possibly be interested in courting me. I really had very little choice in the matter at all; it was either I give her options a chance or I'd be sent to Oxford for my aunt, who was much more insistent than Mother, to find me a suitable husband. I honestly didn't know if I could fall in love again, and I was stubborn when it came to losing a battle.

August and September rolled by with very little communication with the outside world at all, and Mother had taken me out of the choir so that I wouldn't see Kyle at all. My friends would come over to see me every so often. They noted over time that I had lost quite a bit of weight, I was looking more and more drained and depressed and the circles beneath my eyes seemed to be getting darker week by week. They'd bring treats for me that would brighten my day and we'd indulge ourselves in the latest gossip. They kept me up to date with Cal and Eleanor's affair; though I claimed that I didn't care to know, it was obvious that I got agitated they were lasting so long. They spoke of Kyle, though they knew he was a touchy subject. It appeared that he missed me and was having a hard time coping with not seeing me and regretted not fighting harder for me.

My 17th birthday, October 6th, finally arrived without a party as I had hoped for, but it fortunately did come more than one pleasant surprise. I was greeted that morning at breakfast with a letter, which Mother handed me, addressed to me from my fifth grade teacher, who had moved to New York some years back after marrying. It came as quite a surprise that she'd write to me as she had never done so before, but when I opened it I realized that it wasn't my teacher at all, but Rose! I decided not to read it until I was alone in my room, away from my mother's prying eyes.

_My Dearest Lilly,_

_I know it has been such a long time since we last spoke, and I am sure you must have been worried stiff. This was the first letter I could comfortably send, and I am hoping greatly that it arrives in time for your birthday, which I regret missing incredibly, but hope it turns out wonderful. _

_I'll have you reassured that I have begun getting back on my feet, and live in Manhattan, as you may have guessed, with Mrs Carrey, who has been ever so kind to give me a roof to live under until I can afford my own home. I currently have two jobs, working as a waitress at a local upper class restaurant, and getting small acting roles in moving picture shows, which has proven very exciting, though quite exhausting. I don't get paid as much as I'd like, but I suppose you must start somewhere. Thankfully, White Star Line compensated me for lost possessions; money which I have stored in the bank as savings that I intend to spend buying a house out west._

_Life without Cal breathing down back and watching my every move is much more relaxing, and I hope that you are holding up well and taking care of Mother; she must be very distressed, which is something I regret, though it had to be done. I heard about your trip to New York some months back. I admit that it probably wasn't smart, and I don't know why you did it, but I wish I had seen you. It would have been nice to have seen you again, just the two of us, the way it used to be, but I suppose letters will have to do. I hope that we will meet again in the near future; I miss you so much! _

_How are the Carpenters, especially Kyle? You are my favourite couple; a young love I admire, and hope to see blossom in the years to come, unless of course Mother intervenes, if she hasn't already. I hope Mrs Carpenter is coping well with her husband's death; at least she still has her son. _

_I almost feel dirty for asking this, but how are the Hockleys? I have heard rumours of Cal being in another relationship already…how typical. I do hope you and Jeremy aren't feuding any longer, though knowing both of you, there will never be peace between the two of you. I am quite sure that the family knows the story of Jack and me; it is very surprising to me that they have stuck around for so long in the DeWitt Bukator household, so I am guessing Mother has been making ends meet. _

_I do hope that you can forgive me for not writing until now, and I promise that I will write much more often from now on. I want to remind you that if you ever need anything at all, or need someone to confide in, I am always here! I may not be in the next bedroom anymore, but I am still here as your loving sister and best friend. I love you and miss you dearly Lilly; never forget it._

_Love,_

_Rose._

When I was finished reading the letter I felt as though a weight had been lifted off my shoulders, and left much more rejuvenated. There was a warmth running like electricity through my body as I held the letter to my bosom. I immediately wrote a reply, which I intended to send with all the other letters I had written before, updating her on everything that had occurred in her absence, the good, the bad and especially the most recent ugly. I knew that she would be shocked at all that she had either caused or missed.

That afternoon, my girlfriends stopped by to have tea and cake with me and, of course, present me with their gifts. It wasn't a party, but at least I knew that there were some people in the world who still cared about me. I informed them of the letter I had received from Rose, and they informed me on all the juicy gossip around town, excluding Cal so as not to disturb my good mood.

"Lilly, there is another gift I have been asked to deliver to you, but I was waiting until your mother wasn't anywhere close," said Clarisse, looking around to make sure Mother was nowhere in sight.

"Who from?"

"Kyle," was her whispered reply, taking out of her handbag a small parcel attached to a letter. Part of me was thrilled that he hadn't forgotten or was still eager to buy me gifts, but the stubborn side of me was reluctant to take it. I opened the parcel hesitantly only to discover the very root of all my problems…my engagement ring. I gasped, shutting the box and turning back to Clarisse with a look of disbelief.

"Is this some sort of joke? Did you know about this?"

"Yes, but you must read the letter before you get angry."

"Honestly, does he expect me to suddenly forgive him, or is he trying to mock me? And why on earth would you allow him to give this to me?"

"Lilly, just read the letter…"

Sighing, I reluctantly opened the letter and read Kyle's writing. I wasn't sure I really wanted to know what he had to say, but then again, the mere idea that he still loved me and that, perhaps one day, we might be together was thrilling. He wrote about how regretful he was over what had happened and that he had been angry. Our flaws were the other's strength and our personalities were in perfect balance, and he hoped that I could forgive him for being so harsh. He relayed that his intention was not that I wear the ring, but to keep it as a reminder of our love, in hopes that one day, hopefully in the near future we could be together. Under normal circumstance, had it been anyone else, I wouldn't have given in so easily to such cliché words, but something about Kyle had an automatic power over my soul, and I wanted him to own me.

I put the ring on my finger once more and admired it one last time. I had a smile on and my heart felt like it was flying again, but moments later I came to my senses and my smile faded. Taking the ring off once more and placing it in its box, I put it aside and sat back in my chair, in a state of utter disappointment.

"It will never work; there is no point in pretending or hoping it will."

"I know dear, but it is better to remember the good times, and appreciate them rather than mope about how horrible things can get. And perhaps what is happening now isn't as horrible as it seems. Things will only get worse before they get better. Maybe Kyle isn't the man you are supposed to end up with; perhaps this needed to happen in order for you to find the right one," said Clarisse with her hands in mine.

"God has a plan for everyone, and everything happens for a reason. Just trust, and don't lose faith. Things will get better," said Hannah; she always was the most God fearing of the lot of us, and always had something spiritually uplifting to say.

"You aren't the first to point this out."

"That is because it's the truth," said Clarisse.

"I know, I know...but it's so hard. I don't think I can imagine myself with anyone else. Honestly, who else can I possibly be with?"

"I am sure there are plenty options. Don't go looking for love, and certainly don't avoid the idea of falling in love again, or you'll never find that special person."

"I suppose you're right...it just angers me to see Eleanor running around with Cal! I will never understand why he had to sabotage my relationship."

"Have you ever considered, perhaps, that he is jealous that he lost Rose, and here you are in your perfect relationship while he suffers? You know how selfish he is," suggested Clarisse.

"Clarisse! You shouldn't be encouraging her! Lilly, you need to stop allowing yourself to get worked up over him. He's an idiot and isn't worth your time. What you need to do is show him that you are better than he is, and can move on. He will eventually get tired of playing his game and come running back, then what you need to do is show up arm in arm with another man. That would show him!"

"Am I speaking to Hannah?" I asked, in shock; Hannah was the peacemaker and normally wouldn't encourage vengeful behaviour, but this was imressive.

"Yes indeed. I am tired of seeing you stressed over his shit! Oh dear, did I just say that out loud?" said Hannah, covering her mouth and blushing, looking around hoping my mother had not heard her. Clarisse and I nodded at her and began to laugh; we were finally seeing a more rebellious side of her, and it was quite refreshing. "I'm sorry, it just slipped out."

The rest of the afternoon proved to be quite entertaining, and for once I felt like myself again, even if only for a day, and I went to bed that night with a newfound optimism. My new goal would be to strive for someone better than Cal, and someone Mother didn't pick out of a crowd. It would be hard, but it was something I had to do, even if it took months.

**Author's Note:**** It's been so long, I am so sorry! I have had writer's block, as well as school stress....or rather, lack of school stress (my university has been on strike for the past 3 months). However, chapter 17 is finally done, and I am surprisingly half way through chapter 18 so I am hoping you'll have it to read by the weekend. ENJOY!!**


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